Speak to Me

Today, I had an unsuspected visitor. Those are the best, aren't they? It was a volunteer from a Jehovah's Witness church, spreading the message of God. And I spoke with her, took her magazine, and asked her to come back next week so we can talk more. This is something I've never done before. Normally, I say "No thanks" in a not-very-polite voice and close the door on them. Granted, the last time a Jehovah's witness came to my door, I was a teenager.

Things I've learned today:

Answering the door even though you're busy watching Dexter and playing Sims 2 and not expecting anyone is always a good idea.
Jehovah's witnesses don't believe in the trinity, hell, the immortal soul, that not all good people go to heaven (only a select few, the rest live forever on earth), that Mary is the mother of God, or that there should be images of God (though no Christian does, so I don't know how this fits: must ask!).
That even under the label of "Christian," there are many ways of viewing and worshipping god (which I knew, for the most part.)

I'm not going to say it was a timely visit, exactly, because it's not as though I'm hovering on the edge of doubt waiting to be saved. I'm a Pagan, and there's no changing that. But that doesn't mean I can't be civil or join in discussions of religion. Honest discussions, as I hope to have next week with this woman, benefit both sides. I don't honestly expect to convert her to paganism or even away from... Jehovah's Witness-ism, just as I don't expect to be converted, but I do hope to maybe alter her perception of pagans and paganism into a more positive light. And maybe she'll be able to answer some questions for me.

This visit also made me wonder what I'll be taking away from my foray into Christianity. Other than the knowledge that it's really not for me, I mean. The use of prayer, maybe. I know some Pagans pray, seeing it as a less obtrusive way for "magicking" up some help for someone. But it is also a less ritualized way of talking to god, to either offer up thanks or even ask for help. This is something that will take a bit more thought, me thinks.

Ink'd

Last December I turned 21. Now, I don't drink, so I had no illusions of going out and getting falling-down-drunk. So, I bought myself something that will last much longer than fuzzy memories of drinking: a tattoo! Also, it didn't hurt that I made quite a bit of money from selling text books back at the end of that semester!!!







I really wanted to add to it this year, but unfortunately I ran low on funds. :( I want to get a dragon of similar style either perched on top of the pentacle or hanging around on the swirly-gigs. Or maybe get crescent moons on either side of it to form the triple moon symbol... So many options!!

I did quite a bit of searching for just the right tattoo. In the end, I found two pictures of pentacles that I liked, brought it into the tattoo artist and he combined them together into a tattoo that I love.

And, wow, this post went nowhere! Haha! I was looking at pictures of other people's tattoos and decided I wanted to show off mine.

my attempt

It's ironic that my being a Christian was a phase, when my parents were convinced that I would turn away from Paganism years ago. It's been a surprisingly short phase, too, since I only started considering myself a Christian in March or April. When I told my boyfriend (and later my mother) that it just wasn't working out, both asked me why and "what about it isn't working out?" And I couldn't come up with an answer. It's like trying to tell why you prefer one food or colour or hairstyle over another.

But this is my attempt:

As a Christian, I missed god. The Christian god is supposed to be personal, but I always felt disconnected from Him. Maybe because of the traditions and connotations that come along with Christianity. You talk to God in church. You worship God in church. You praise God in church. You talk about and learn about God... in church. Christianity, to me, feels like what I want to call a "building religion." Yes, congregations will still gather together if their church building is destroyed in a disaster, but that seems like the only time anyone ever espouses the notion that a church is the congregation and not the building.

As a Pagan, I see god in everything. I worship god at every step of the day, because the simple act of living is a way to praise the gods and give thanks. "All acts of love and pleasure are my ritual" as says the Charge of the Goddess. Observing nature becomes a way of observing god. As I watch the changing of the seasons, I see the life, death, and rebirth of the gods. When I see a new plant thrusting forth from the earth, I see the promise and gift of new life. God is not contained in a book. God is not contained in a building. The gods reveal themselves in all that is around us.

It seems I truly am a witch at heart. I tried very hard to be a Christian, and I very much wanted to be one. Even knowing there were other Christopagans wasn't enough to keep me bouyed in my journey. I still lack the words to explain why I chose Paganism over Christianity and even Christiopaganism. It's just... Paganism is what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with, it's what I believe. I don't have to compromise.
I know my mother is really disappointed in me, that I've "regressed" into my witchy self. Maybe she's geniunely upset by it. I don't know how my boyfriend feels... He hasn't said anything about it since I told him. I haven't told anyone else. Like I said in an earlier post, it's slightly embarrassing, because now I have to retract all those statements of "Hey, I'm a Christian now!" It's entirely possible that I could have continued on as a "Christian." But, I prefer honesty. I have to be true to myself. And I have to be true to the world.

Blessed Yule!

Many happy wishes on this darkest day of the year! This is a day that speaks to me on many levels. Eleven years ago today my father returned home after three years in prison (vehicular manslaughter) and brought back the light to my family. This is the day of the Horned God's rebirth, bringing back the light to the world (in the form of the sun, at least until the Summer solstice). This day also serves as a reminder that no matter how dark things get, there is always a time when the darkness lifts and the light returns to our lives.

A remarkably short post for a remarkably short day. I'm at my parents' this week for holiday celebrations and have very little time for posting. But next week I'll be back at home and should have lots of time for religious musings and posting. See you then!

Wishcasting Wednesday- What do you wish to give?

This week, Jamie asks:

What do you wish to give?

I wish to give my son full love, support, and comfort. I wish to give him everything he needs in life to grow up to be a respectful, honest, and loving man.

I also wish to give myself time away from technological pursuits. (My friend got me hooked on Happy Aquarium on Facebook. lol) This wish would be much easier if it were summer, when parks and cemeteries (it's big, with lots of grass and flowers and history: i.e. I'm not creepy!) and just being outside is much more appealing.



You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

Sisters

My favorite books are a fantasy series by Robert Jordan (and Brandon Sanderson for the last three) called the Wheel of Time. And like all epic fantasy series, these novels are filled with the fight between good and evil and, of course, magic. The majority of magic users in these novels are Aes Sedai, a group of women with great political power formed to serve the people (in their own way, of course!) In fact, Aes Sedai means "Servant of All."

About seven years ago, I joined a community based around Jordan's Wheel of Time series. Unlike many communities based around fantasy novels, this site I joined was not (and is not!) a role playing community, but a community of people brought together by their love of WoT to be Servants of All. In becoming a part of the TarValon.Net community, I found a huge extended family and network of friends that spans the entire globe. Among this family and friends, I have 54 (or so) of the most amazing Sisters, all very individual, strong, and independent women.

This morning I mailed off a Christmas package of cookies (The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Had and Snickerdoodles) to one of my Sisters. In it I also included a poem called "Start the Day with a Smile."

Start the day with a smile.
Make everything worthwhile.
Live this day the best you can;
For it will never come again.

Say a little prayer now and then
and now be good to all men.
Today banish all sorrows
and make good to all tomorrows.

Let your works shine before men
And so you can say "Amen."
Toil in all kinds of weather.
Be kind to sister and brother.

May your joys be so plenty
That they glory you immensely.
You shall know them by their fruits,
Be they animals or brutes.

Your sufferings are not in vain
Even though they cause you some pain.
Live by the sweat of your brow.
Live happily then and now.

It seemed a fitting poem, wishing happiness and joy in a way that is a little less cliche than asking for "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."

----

And in other news, I suppose it's time to set up my winter altar, though I'm fairly certain I'm lacking any sort of winter-y paraphernalia aside from our (small and fake) Yule tree.

Embarrassment

The other day a friend and I were running errands around town, and he commented on my choice of radio station. I've been listening to Spirit FM (contemporary Christian) since May/June, because I like the DJs and the music. But anyway, he said that he never imagined that I'd be listening to a Christian station, or even that I was a Christian. Now, this friend is really quite new. I only started talking to him this semester, and that day was the first time we'd talked longer than 10 minutes. So I'm not entirely sure where he was getting non-Christian vibes from.

Anyway (again), when he said that, I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I can't really crunch my spiritual beliefs and reasons for them into a tiny nutshell. It's not enough for me to say "Jesus was the son of God, came to Earth to die for our sins," because that doesn't fully encompass what I believe. It is part of it, but not all of it. I doubt I could crunch my spiritual beliefs into a single blog post--hence the blog devoted to this.

I ended up saying something like, "oh, yeah, well, I converted earlier this year, though I don't think most Christians would consider me a Christian." To be honest, I barely consider myself a Christian. I did, fully. I said I was fully Christian and fully Pagan. But as time goes on, I'm feeling less and less comfortable with the Christian label and ideals. I thought I could do it. It was easy to believe, when I was reading up on Christianity every day. Now, though, it just seem awkward for me. I think because I'm trying to bend my belief systems to make them work with each other, instead of either picking one and being happy, or just letting it happen naturally. However, if I were to let it happen naturally, I'm fairly certain I would go back to being "Pagan," but with a lot of Christian influences, instead of the "fully Pagan, fully Christian" I am now.

Does this mean I'm going to give up on being Christopagan? Honestly, I don't know. And I find that very disappointing. Do I have a right for being disappointed in myself that these beliefs I chose aren't working out? For being disappointed in myself for converting in the first place? It's amusing, really, that I started this blog to help cement my beliefs. So I'd have a place to cipher through things and find a firmer footing on what I believe in. But, the majority of blogs I follow belong to fellow Witches. Why? Well, because most of the Christian bloggers I've come across follow the very exclusive teachings that I find so distasteful.

I've always hated being proven wrong. And I've seen it posted in numerous places that one can't be Christian *and* Pagan. And, while I'm still convinced that it can work out for some, maybe it's just not for me. We'll see.

Recipes

First and foremost, my recipe for "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Had."

Unfortunately, I couldn't find my actual recipe. :( And I couldn't find the original recipe. But I found one that's pretty close.


Cookie Recipe Link!!!

The only difference I have in mine is that they contain oatmeal. So if I were making these, I'd probably replace 1/2 cup of the flour with some quick oats. And use whole-wheat flour. ^_^

Today (Sunday, since I don't know how this editing works with the timestamp) I found the original recipe of "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Had!!!" Recipe Link The only change I make is using creamy peanut butter instead of crunchy, though they're delicious either way.

Second was my (somewhat, but not very much so) Healing Apple Bread I made on Wednesday. So far, it's gotten rid of everything but a hacking cough. lol


Healing Apple Bread Link!!!!

My changes to the recipe: not peeling the apples, grating the apples, whole wheat flour. If I make it again in the future, I will probably double the spice amounts, since the bread was a little bland to my tastes.

I hope you enjoy!

Wishcasting Wednesday -- What is your spirit wishing for?

This week, Jamie Ridler asks us:

What is your spirit wishing for?

And today, my spirit is wishing for health! I'm just getting over a pretty nasty cold that hit me Sunday night. And this morning, Camden woke up with pink-eye in both eyes! I think I may have gotten it, too, though I'm not entirely sure. So, yeah, health is in pretty short supply around here, and my spirit is wishing for it back!

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I think I'm going to make some apple bread, and work some healing into it. I'm just glad I'm feeling well enough to do something other than huddle under blankets watching episodes of The Office.

Rilke

I have long been a fan of Rainer Maria Rilke, a German poet. I first heard his poetry when I watched the movie "Awakenings" with Robin Williams. He reads "The Panther," using it as a metaphor for the catatonic patients. And while I love all of Rilke's work, my favourite is "Schwarze Katze" or "Black Cat."


Ein Gespenst ist noch wie eine Stelle,
dran dein Blick mit einem Klange stößt;
aber da, an diesem schwarzen Felle
wird dein stärkstes Schauen aufgelöst:


wie ein Tobender, wenn er in vollster
Raserei ins Schwarze stampft,
jählings am benehmenden Gepolster
einer Zelle aufhört und verdampft.


Alle Blicke, die sie jemals trafen,
scheint sie also an sich zu verhehlen,
um darüber drohend und verdrossen
zuzuschauern und damit zu schlafen.
Doch auf einmal kehrt sie, wie geweckt,
ihr Gesicht und mitten in das deine:
und da triffst du deinen Blick im geelen
Amber ihrer runden Augensteine
unerwartet wieder: eingeschlossen
wie ein ausgestorbenes Insekt

The translation that seems most popular on the interwebs is:


A ghost, though invisible, still is like a place
your sight can knock on, echoing; but here
within this thick black pelt, your strongest gaze
will be absorbed and utterly disappear:

just as a raving madman, when nothing else
can ease him, charges into his dark night
howling, pounds on the padded wall, and feels
the rage being taken in and pacified.

She seems to hide all looks that have ever fallen
into her, so that, like an audience,
she can look them over, menacing and sullen,
and curl to sleep with them. But all at once

as if awakened, she turns her face to yours;
and with a shock, you see yourself, tiny,
inside the golden amber of her eyeballs
suspended, like a prehistoric fly.

The one I prefer, though is insurmountably different. I feel it captures the essence of the original much more truly than the translation above.


A phantom, even, still presents a spot
On which your glance impinges with a stir;
But your most strenuous gazing comes to naught,
Dissolved against this coat of sable fur:

As one frenzied, at the height of madding
Rage stampeding into black,
Will abruptly at the bulky padding
Of the cell lose steam and stagger back.

All the glances ever aimed at her
She appears to hide about her fur,
Quivering over them, baneful and glum,
Even in her sleep a part of her.
Of a sudden, though, her eyes will come
Straight for yours, as if she'd just been woken:
In the amber of her eyestones then
You encounter your own gaze again,
Startlingly encapsuled like the token
Of a fly in prehistoric gum

It gives me shivers. Truly. This poem speaks to the depths of my soul, and I don't know why. A black cat--a panther, in my mind's eye--trapped forever in a cage, pacing for there is nothing else to do, always loathing those outside for their freedom, capturing them with a glance when "she" can; and, suddenly, you're there with her, in her cage, looking out past the bars, at yourself caught up in her cage.

I find it odd that the translations assume the cat is a she. "Sie" is the pronoun used in the original, which does mean "she," but, also, it means "it." Katze is feminine, and therefore takes sie as a pronoun. (I know, stupid languages with stupid genders, right?) But it makes me wonder if the translators know anything about the language, or if they're just looking up the words in a worterbuch/dictionary?

Traditions

I saw an article the other day (http://www.bib-arch.org/e-features/christmas.asp if you're curious) about why December 25 was chosen for the Christmas celebration. Interestingly enough, it didn't support the idea that the 25th was chosen to aid in the conversion of pagans. It says that Judaism belief that great things are expected to occur on the same day year after year. The great things in Christianity? Obviously, the crucifixion of Christ and salvation of humanity. What led to the resurrection? The birth of Yeshua. These two things supposedly happened on the same day: the 25 of March. Coincidentally, nine months after March 25 is December 25, ergo, the birth of Christ. (Other dates support April 6 as the Passion date, and therefore, January 6 as the birth date. Some cultures still put emphasis on January 6 as an important holiday)

It was quite an interesting read, if I may say so, but it made me start thinking of Winter traditions. I don't have any of my own, aside from going to my parents' to celebrate with presents and Christmas dinner. This year Camden talked me into buying a little tree from a thrift store, and we've decorated it. But that's about the extent of our winter-y decorating, although I would like to do more, if only for his sake.

My parents like to push the Santa issue, even though I don't want to go through that with Cam. I don't remember ever suffering the trauma of finding out Santa isn't real, but I know many people have. Do I want that possibility for Camden? Do I want him to expect expensive presents from a magical being, even though I may not be able to afford those presents for him? A few people I've talked to about it have said I'm denying him the full experience of Christmas... Or something like that. But I say I'm protecting him from the possible let down of finding out there's no Santa (in a literal sense), and I'm also protecting myself from the pressure of buying him what he asked Santa for, even though it's out of my budget, just to keep up the charade. And hopefully, without expecting tons and tons of presents from Santa, it will be easy to avoid much of the commercialism of the Christmas season. And he'll be able to show gratitude to the people who actually bought the presents for him.

Is it odd that I believe in magic, magical beings, and magical beasts, but not Santa?

Things to be thankful for...

I only missed Thanksgiving by two days. Not bad, considering that on Thanksgiving day I felt I had little to be thankful for. Monday, I had two teeth taken out. Both were the upper back molars on either side of my mouth (not wisdom teeth, though they might as well have been.) I'm still recovering from that, and on Thursday, my not-teeth still hurt! And that hurt was compounded by a cold that developed Wednesday night. A bruised chipmunk mouth + runny nose + sore throat + cough does not = a happy Thanksgiving! Let me tell you!

So I'm making up for my general bah-humbug attitude on Thanksgiving by writing up a list of things in my life I'm thankful for:

1. A healthy, happy, beautiful son
2. A generally healthy, generally happy, and always beautiful me! (Also known as I'm thankful for my well-being... because I'm not vain. Not at all. Just amazing)
3. A family who supports me in my endeavors
4. Friends who are willing to go out of their way for lunch on very short notice
5. Natural abilities and talent that enable me to pursue a career that I will enjoy (if I don't decide to join up with the Peace Corps instead!)
6. Amazing books by amazing authors, most notably the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan (and now Brandon Sanderson) which I have been following since I was 12 or 13
7. My understanding that god reveals Him/Herself slowly, in unexpected ways, always showing a new side or revelation
8. "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Tasted" recipe (and the ability to bake them *drool*)

I could probably go on for ages, but I think this list covers the basics, including family, friends, health, and food. I am always thankful for these things in my life, though maybe not always as consciously as on Thanksgiving (or two days after, in this case). Happy belated Thanksgiving!

My gods

I've never liked the Roman (and Greek, for they were taught to me as the same gods, just different names) pantheon. I'd never been drawn to them in the slightest in my search for gods to call upon. I preferred Celtic and Norse gods mainly, with the occasional Egyptian and Hindu god thrown into the mix. In January or February the Goddess revealed her name to me as Gaia. Oh, the irony. But, perhaps even more ironic, a short time later I decided to convert to Christianity. More irony that after my conversion I decided to continue on as both a Christian *and* a Pagan.

My gods have again given me their names via my studies. They are Christian gods, from the Bible, Gnostic texts, and other non-canonical scriptures. God is Eloah, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit; Goddess is Sophia, Mary (Magdalene), and the Holy Soul.

Though I'm often unsure of exactly where I stand in my religion, I know the names my gods wish to be called. I say mine, because god is personal. "My" god is not the same as "your" god, even if we were to call him/her/it by the same name. My uncertainty of beliefs is not a weakness. It simply means that I will keep searching, continue my explorations, and not grow bored or jaded. How awful and lonely it must be for those who have it all figured out and have given up exploring deeper, for those who continue day after day or week after week doing what they have always done, because it is the "right" way, for those who stop feeling god during their worship.

On death and dying and the afterlife

I meant to write this post a couple of weeks ago, when it was closer to Samhain, but something always came up. I've started this post several times, but every time I either got distracted, or it just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. Oddly, though, it didn't go away. It's just been floating around in my head.

My favourite story about my infancy took place when I was was first introduced to my extended family when I was only a few days old. My Papa, who as a rule, did not like babies until they could walk and talk, told my Mom, "Give me my baby!" And he took me and held me. And from that day, much to the shock of the entire family, I was his baby. He died, I believe, a few months later. Mom always said he took to me because he knew he wouldn't have a chance later, that he knew something was going to happen to him. Even though I never knew him, I still cry thinking about him. Hell, I'm crying as I write this. I can feel his love.

As a child, when I was just an assumed Christian, because I knew nothing else existed, when I prayed to God, I would also pray to Papa. Sometimes I wouldn't even talk to God, I would just talk to Papa. I knew, with the knowledge only a child has, that Papa was in Heaven, with nothing better to do than to sit on a cloud watching his favourite grandchild and listening to her prayers.

I never dreamed that my views on the afterlife would change so drastically. I no longer believe in Heaven in the way I remember knowing it to be as a child. Heaven isn't where we go for an eternity after we die. Can you imagine how boring that would be?! Walking around on the clouds, with nothing to do?! Ew.

In the show Dead Like Me, the afterlife is personal, although you don't see what actually takes place once a person enters their afterlife: you only catch a glimpse of it. The one I remember most clearly was that of an Irishman. His afterlife was on the cliffs of (Ireland somewhere, I'm assuming) overlooking the ocean. I also remember a young girl's afterlife was an amusement park. It's an interesting concept. One can also see that concept at work in the movie (and book!) What Dreams May Come. The dead go to their own private world, while God is... out there... somewhere. They can choose to remain in their world for however long they wish, then they can return to earth and be reborn.

I find it amusing that my theology of the afterlife is based off of this show and this movie/book. But those views fit in with what I believe, what I've believed for a long time. In one of my books about Wicca/Paganism, the author states that as Witches, we are not reborn in order to learn lessons and "progress," but, rather, because we enjoy living. We enjoy life. This sentiment really speaks to me. Would eternity of no worries or stress really be that awesome? Wouldn't happily ever after become redundant?

After I die, I don't know what great adventures I will have. I don't know that I'll get to have any. But I can only hope that they offer challenges that will sustain my drive to overcome. Perhaps I will get the chance to be reborn. Perhaps the life after this will be in its own place and time, another stepping stone to where ever my soul is headed. But I sincerely hope that whatever it is, it isn't boring!

Wishcasting Wednesday -- Daring

Jamie Ridler over at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us this wonderful Wednesday:

What do you wish to dare?

I wish to dare to meet new people.

Somehow, as a child, I never developed the necessary social skills needed to make friends easily. Probably because as a youngster (and now!!) I dared to be different, and we all know how children can be to those who choose not to fit in. So now that I'm in my 20's and I'm supposed to be meeting people who will be my friends for the rest of my life... I'm staying at home or just being asocial when I'm out in public.

So I wish to dare to meet new people, which may possibly be one of the most frightening things I can think of. ^_^

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

this makes me giggle

I thought I would share this site with my lovely readers, who I hope will get a good chuckle out of it, because I sure did!!

mr.deity Click on "episodes" and enjoy!!

Now comes the question: should I find this as amusing as I do? Eh, who knows... But, hey, if you can't laugh at religion, what can you laugh at?

Church on Sunday

It is Sunday morning and I'm debating whether I should go to church or not. As much as I enjoy the church I go to (it's a Methodist church), I don't really know anyone there. I started going to this church back in April with my boyfriend, and I've made a few friends. But I still don't know them very well, and I feel that they're my boyfriend's friends more than mine... Rather like even though they like me, they are just putting up with me.

Plus the church is in another town, half an hour away. If it was in my town, I would probably be there in a heart beat... But spending an hour in the car for an hour-long service and some hellos is not my idea of fun.

Plus, I don't see the need of a church service to worship/learn about God. Church, for me, is more about the community than God. But what good is a community if it is thirty minutes away? I just wish my boyfriend didn't sound so offended when I talk about finding a church here in town.

Today is a going to be another gorgeous day, I think. (It's gotten up to 74/75 the last two days!!! In NOVEMBER!) I think that perhaps Camden and I will go out to the lake this morning and worship the way we're used to: appreciating and connecting with Nature. At least I won't have to sit there for an hour, worried every second of it that Cam is going to start making noise or running around or whatever he does to be disruptive. lol

time to get comprehensive

This semester I'm taking a public speaking class, and for it I have to give a variety of speeches. The first was a demonstration speech (knitting), the second an analysis speech (genetically modified crops and their possible effects on world hunger), and the third speech is supposed to be persuasive. There are many things I feel strongly about, that I would love to give a speech on, but many of these things I don't feel I could argue rationally. Such as religious tolerance (what's the big deal? if it's not hurting anyone, let them do what they want! worry about your own soul! etc with a few f-bombs, prolly). Another is equality in marriage laws--aka gay marriage. This nearly makes me quiver with rage, just thinking about it! Especially when the terms those homophobic and (usually) religiously zealous bigots give themselves: pro-family, protectors of the institution of marriage. ... But perhaps that rant is for another post, another time.

The topic I've decided on is comprehensive sex-ed, via whatever source available. Abstinence only sex-ed claims to teach you "how to have the BEST SEX of your LIFE," but for the person who decides to not wait (or chooses mediocre sex) they are grossly under-informed, or worse misinformed, and ill-prepared for sex in what may or may not be a committed long-term relationship. In seventh grade, the abstinence teacher stood in front of my class room and told my class that a condom had to be as thick as a balloon in order to prevent the HIV virus from permeating through it. That when you open a condom, you're supposed to unroll it and look for holes before using it, and since no one does that, that's why they don't work, because there are often holes. That having sex before marriage (aka, I'm assuming, a commitment before God and family since the abstinence teacher was a pastor) would devastate the relationship and all future relationships.

I realise abstinence is the ONLY way to COMPLETELY prevent babies and (most) STD's (depending on what a person's definition of abstinence is). But in today's society, it is unrealistic to expect everyone to wait until marriage, since many people are choosing to pursue careers before settling down to create a family. (Unless of course, you're gay and not living in one of the few states that grants you the freedom to legally express your love for another person with a marriage license, because, then you have to be abstinent forever. /sarcasm) I want to say that places with comprehensive sex-ed have lower teen pregnancy rates/STD rates, but I'm not entirely sure that's true, because I haven't researched it.

Morally, I don't see anything wrong with not waiting until marriage. In Western society, there is no longer that taboo on non-virgin women. Well, maybe so from the religious right, but not from society as a whole. I'm not going to be stoned to death because I had a child out of wedlock, nor am I going to be sent to some unwed mothers' group home. Even though I managed to educate myself about safe sex via the internet, sometimes I wonder if the information would have had more of an impact coming from an authority figure, rather than some teen networking site. I knew I was taking chances, but I don't think I realised how big the chances I was taking were. But I worry about the people who choose not to educate themselves. The ones who say, "well, the sex-ed teacher told us condoms fail all the time, so why should we bother?"

Wishcasting Wednesday

What do you wish to experience?

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I wish to experience a point in time where I think to myself: I can do this! In general, I have faith in myself, but that faith is tempered by doubts about the future, my overall abilities, and worries about how others will perceive me. Just one time, I would love to experience an all-consuming confidence in myself and in my life, with nothing dampening it.

I wish to continue experiencing the joy in knowing that in a few years I will be doing what I love most. The joy in knowing I am making a career in music and will be gainfully employed. (haha)

Willow Moon Rune contest

Mother Moon over at Mother Moon's Message has made a lovely set of runes from willow.

Head on over and check out her contest.

Happy Samhain!

I haven't been this excited for Samhain/Halloween in a long time. Before I went to college, I lived at my parents' house, so rituals were pretty much a no-go. And after I came to college, I just didn't have the time/place. I probably still won't do much for it this year--send up a prayer and do a short meditation, probably-- because I'll be taking Camden trick-or-treating and at 8 I have to go to a recital.



I think I mentioned in a previous post that Camden will be trick-or-treating as a fireman. And I finally took a picture of him dressed up! I'm glad he's old enough to appreciate the fun of trick-or-treating and also that he can say trick-or-treat!




The pumpkin was given to us by a thrift store just down the street. The people who run it think Camden is the greatest thing since sliced bread (which he is) so they gave it to us. I planned to make a jack-o-lantern with it, but it was quite tough, so I couldn't cut it properly! Instead, I decided to use it for pumpkin puree. It made around 14.5 cups, and that was only using 2/3 of it! The worst part is that I still have two smaller "pie pumpkins" that I was planning on cooking up for puree! I guess they'll get to survive for a little bit longer in my harvest/Samhain display.

Have a wonderful Samhain!!

in the spirit

As Halloween/Samhain creeps closer and closer, I've been getting more and more excited. Mainly at the idea of taking my son trick-or-treating. This year he's going to be a firefighter--his idea, not mine. I wanted him to be a dragon. I got a dragon costume for free last year at a yard sale, so that's what he was last year, and since he still fit, I had hopes of him being one again. He had other ideas. So I found him a fire-fighter hat at a thrift store, and bought him a red rain coat (which is much too big, but I figure he'll grow into it, so it's a good buy!). Now he's throwing fits about not having "fire-fighter boots." I've tried telling him that tennis shoes or his bright blue rain boots will work just as well, but he's not falling for it. lol

Today, I decided to get more into the spirit. On a run to the grocery store for eggs and milk this morning, I couldn't help but stop at the Halloween candy display. Camden picked out a metal bucket with packages of hard-candy pumpkins in it, and I picked out a few bags of candy corn mix. The bucket, which has pictures of pumpkins and ghouls(maybe?) on it, and a glass jar filled with the candy corn went onto our fall harvest display in the kitchen. I ought to get a picture of it...

Along with the festive candy, I decided to try cooking with the little pumpkins we bought a while ago. So now I have eight mini-loaves and twelve cupcakes of chocolate chip spiced pumpkin bread to eat/give to friends, as well as toasted pumpkin seeds! I love pumpkins!

Now I just have to figure out what I'll be for trick-or-treating. So many options!

Balance

I am still trying to find my balance between Paganity (because I saw it written like that, and find it hilarious!) and Christianity. Sometimes I feel as though I identify as more of a Pagan, and other times, as more of a Christian. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find my balance, or if I'll be going from one end to the other. I identify fully as a Christopagan, I just tend to lean more one way than the other from time to time.

Last week I was inexplicably leaning towards the Christian side. This week I'm feeling the Pagan vibrations.

I blame the weather! The last two days have been beautiful fall weather. Cold, but not too cold, and raining! These following a gorgeous Indian Summer, which followed horrid wintery weather. I'm feeling very attuned to the earth and changing seasons, which just feels Witchy.

Mother Moon's views on god are: "sometimes my God is a she; a mother who holds me in her arms and gently sings me to sleep. Sometimes my God is a man; who helps me to see the folly of my ways and lends wisdom to help be once again walk the right path." This speaks very deeply to me. Mother the Comforter; Father the Protector. Is that what I'm feeling? Not necessarily one religion over the other, but the notion of god? Last week I needed a protector to guide me, this week I'm needing a comforter to hold me? I can see that.

So maybe it's not that I'm feeling like more of a Pagan than a Christian at the moment, but that my view of god, at the moment, is based more in my Pagan roots. Which brings up the question, I suppose, of isn't that still feeling more like a Pagan than a Christian. Many people view religion as "If you're this, then you're not that, and if you're that, then you're not this." Perhaps my mind is still in that format, if I'm trying to justify my Witchy tendencies. I have decided that I will label myself Christopagan, but perhaps I haven't decided whether that means a blending of the two, or both of them simultaneously.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Jamie Ridler over at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us this Wednesday:

What do you wish to say yes to?

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I wish to say yes to life's simple pleasures. My tendency is to stress out about every little thing, without relishing the moments that aren't so stressful. So yes to the first sip of an ice cold mountain dew. Yes to playing in the leaves with my son. Yes to feeling the sun on my face and the wind on my hair. And, most importantly (not really), yes to pumpkin cheesecake ice cream!

Childhood

As a child, I had to shoulder burdens no child ought to. The day before my eighth birthday, my father was sentenced to prison for vehicular manslaughter. Even though I've now moved beyond it, I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out, the pain and the anger towards God. (For at that time, I was a "Christian" and had prayed to God to not let my dad go to prison.) This moment in time, I believe, was the beginning of the end. The beginning of my loss of faith in Christianity, the beginning of the end of a normal childhood, if my childhood could ever be said to have been normal.

Oddly, what caused me to lose my faith in Christianity caused my dad to find his. He was never a bad father, but he preferred to be not at home. I guess he had his own growing up to do. I have the deepest respect for and admiration of him, that he could find strength during such a horrible time, when all seemed, to me, hopeless.

This time began my path towards Wicca, and from Wicca to Paganism. Not to say that I began looking for new religions the year I turned eight, because I didn't know they were out there, but it opened my mind to the fact that religion wasn't just one thing. (I very much doubt my eight-year-old self had these thoughts. I am, most likely, projecting my musings onto my younger self. But, I can say with all certainty that this was when I started questioning the existence and concept of God.)

I hope beyond hope that I can spare my son the level of trauma I faced as a child. It's bad enough that he doesn't have a father, although that's an issue for another post, another time! Suffice it to say that the person who helped me create my son is not worthy of being a father for many, many reasons. I dream the American dream for my son, that he'll have a better and easier life than I did. Fortunately, though, I realise that the American dream does not necessarily need to be fulfilled through stuff. I prefer that his American dream is a life that is happy, healthy, and trusting, as opposed to owning a little pink house.

When I am with my friends, who are your typical college students, I feel absolutely ancient, though I am only a year or so older or, in some cases, younger than they. Even with my boyfriend, who is seven years older than I am, I am generally left feeling like the older person. Its very odd, because I still feel like a child at time. I don't see this as a bad thing. I think its amazing that at 22, I can still feel elation at going to a zoo, or jumping in puddles after it rains, or trying to catch lightning bugs on a summer night. (Although, I find it somewhat of a relief that I have my son and can use him as an excuse to do these things which no respectable 22 year-old would do!)

My childhood was robbed of happiness. But I am making up for that by living my life with child-like abandon. I find it both amazing and ridiculous how excited I get by some things, like going to a zoo, because I'm "adult" who is more excited than most children. I advise it to you.

Live like a child, taking utter joy from life's simple pleasures. See the wonder in a line of ants passing by with their food, without worrying that they're contaminating your kitchen. Dance in the rain. Colour with crayons. Open yourself to these experiences and you will see the magic that resides in them.

Apple Breakfast Bread... sort of

INGREDIENTS

* 1/2 cup butter
* 1 cup sugar
* 2 eggs
* 2 cups all-purpose flour
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
* 2 apples - peeled, cored and chopped

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease an 8x4 inch loaf pan.
2. In a bowl, mix the butter and sugar until smooth and creamy. Beat in the eggs.
3. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and cloves. Mix into the butter mixture until moistened. Fold in the apples. Transfer to the prepared loaf pan.
4. Bake 1 hour in the preheated oven, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 15 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

This is the basic recipe I started with. I decided on apple bread because I bought Cam a granny smith apple that he decided not to eat, probably because it was soo sour!! Anyway, as you can see, the recipe calls for two apples, and I only had one. :( But! I had half a zucchini left over from dinner earlier! Apple and zucchini. Life just does not get any better than that! I also left out the cloves because I didn't have any. And I grated the the apple and zucchini. But those are the only changes! Scouts honor!

And let me say, this was delicious! Even better than banana bread. The best part was that Cam helped me mix everything. Even though he tends to make about ten times the mess I do, I love having him help me cook, and I think he enjoys doing it. Except that he doesn't like eating what we cook! I really can't figure it out. He was all sorts of excited about the bread until it came out of the oven and cooled enough that we could eat it. Then I barely got him to try one bite! Oh, the fickleness of children! It's almost as bad as the fickleness of adults.

And now I have to go, because he's trying to make a grilled cheese. lol

Car-ma

In the last few days, I've had the worst luck with my car! Nothing serious, but I have spent/will be spending a few hundred dollars more on it this year than I expected.

Thursday night Cam and I were leaving to go to ensemble rehearsal, and as I'm throwing our bag of necessities into the backseat, I become aware of a hissing noise. Behold, a nail in my tire! At the time, I was just glad I found it before my tire went completely flat! But sadly, a $10 job turned into buying two new tires. Seems the alignment is off on my car, and the tires I had just bought in February were almost completely bald on the inside. Once again, I was just happy I found out then and not when one of my tires exploded on the highway. Though, needless to say, I wasn't happy about shelling out the two hundred bucks!

Today, as I'm driving home from church (I go to one 30min away), my check engine light comes on. No problem, I'll just check my oil levels. Both oil and transmission fluid are normal. I ended up taking it to AutoZone to get a diagnostic ran (they do it for free!) where they told me either my thermostat is faulty, or the coolant gauge-thing in my engine is faulty.

So tomorrow I'll be calling mechanics to fix my car on Tuesday, since I have a 3 1/2 hour drive to my parents' Wednesday night.

This always seems to happen. Whenever I'm excited (or not) that I'll have an extra couple hundred dollars left over at the end of the semester, something always goes catastrophically wrong that needs fixing, and just happens to cost the same as the couple hundred dollars I'd have left over. This summer I was planning on having some money left from my job, but my financial aid got screwed up, so that money went to paying rent/buying food. Last year I had to fix my computer.

Okay, spirits of Finance, I would love to know what the H I'm doing wrong, that you're taking all my potential savings! Gimme a break! (Break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar!)

Knitting

Two years ago I knitted the alien illusion scarf found in Stitch'n'Bitch. It's been ridiculously cold the last week or so, so I've been wearing my alien scarf. A friend saw it and asked me to knit him one, too! But he doesn't want aliens. So instead, I'm going to knit him one with a treble clef on one end and an eighth note on the other. Normally these are done in two-row stripes, but I think after each design, I'm going to make the stripes wider an wider, so I don't have to continue switching colors after every two rows. Lazy, I know.

While I was shopping for yarn for his scarf, I found some gorgeous blue. (Ocean Mist by Simply Soft Eco) Now I want a scarf!! I've started twice on a scarf from ScarfStyle, but failed miserably both times... lol It's been a VERY long time since I've knitted anything from a pattern--or even knitted anything. I'm unsure right now what sort of scarf I want to knit. I guess it will be a surprise!! I also need to finish up Cam's llama hat, not that he'll wear it, but at least he'll have it.

Originally, my only plans for this blog was as a place to talk about religion, specifically my path of Christopaganism. But I think that would get boring, and besides that, my (probably non-existent) readers wouldn't know who I am, which seems very important as validating my views. I'm actually getting return readers! I'm sure half the hits I'm seeing are just me checking out my blog, but that still means that some people are coming back. And that's pretty exciting to me. No followers, yet, though. In time!

Clarification ([last] post recovery)

I'm putting my recovered post first, this time. My comments and amendments will be below it.

19-08-2009
So, in no uncertain terms, this is what I believe:

God the Father, Yeshua the Son, the Holy Spirit(possibly as the feminine side of God?)

Yeshua is God's Son, His Flesh on Earth, sent to teach us, guide us, Save us (from what, I don't know. Bad harvest?)

The Bible is most definitely NOT infallible. It was written by MEN in a different time, a different place. It serves as a good guide book, as good as, but no better or worse, than the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, etc. It has been CHANGED since originally written 1500-2000 years ago.

Hell does not exist, at least not in the form mostly thought of. No fire, no brimstone, no devil. I don't know what it might be. I don't know what Heaven might be either.

"God," what we call god is both male and female, singular and plural. Which is how we get the Trinity, three in one, one in three. [Completely random side note, A Memory of Light is like its own holy trinity, three books in one, one book in three. Haha!] God also has many names, including Allah, YHWH, Eloah, Jupiter, Zues, Brigit, Thor, etc.

----

So, basically, I'm a pagan worshipping the Christian pantheon. Which technically makes me a Christian. Take that! Really, I don't see it as any big difference; no bigger than the difference between Protestant and Catholic Christianities, anyway. Is this another great schism coming along? Probably not. I doubt Christopaganism will ever become mainstream: too many people on both sides claiming it to be impossible. Perhaps another way of seeing it is that my religion is Christianity while my spirituality is paganism. It's not the "what" I'm questioning, it's the "how." I'm not changing "what" I believe, just the "how" I believe it. You can't stick a Protestant into a Catholic church and expect them to be comfortable with how things go down, even though God, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit are all there. Why should I be any different?

I'd be interested to know what you, my readers (are you there?!), think. Am I just blowing smoke? Should I pick one or the other and stick with it? Or are my points valid (as I think they are!)? Am I any less a Christian than the person who never goes to church? For me, the "what" isn't enough. Or maybe I'm just crazy

How do I say this... I don't know EXACTLY what it is I believe in, religious-wise or any other sort of -wise. I probably never will. I'll always have a general idea, but I feel beliefs are very fluid things with the potential to change. Take my mother: When she learned I was Wiccan oh so many years ago, she was crushed because she had no idea what it meant, but she BELIEVED it was horribly, horribly wrong! With time, she realised I was still a good person, I still worshipped god (in my own way), and it became okay with her. People BELIEVED the Earth was flat. Amusing, no? My point is this: beliefs change, they evolve as more information becomes available or as public morals change (i.e. Women's suffrage).

"It's not the "what" I'm questioning, it's the "how." I'm not changing "what" I believe, just the "how" I believe it."

I tend to use Pagan in a very general form. (I also use Witch and Pagan interchangeably, though I know that for many they aren't. I've always described myself as a Witch or a Pagan, so, for me, they are one in the same. For me. Not necessarily for you.) Earth-worshipper, I suppose. I know I can't speak for all Pagans, but I see it as a way of life that sees god in everything there is and everything we do. In Christianity, it's taught that God is not of this world; though we live in this world, we should not be of it. I don't think that's a good teaching. Of course God is of this world, he made it. Whenever you make something, part of yourself goes into it! And God made everything, therefore God is part of everything. This is probably a big part of why I call myself a Christopagan. I see God as a Force, as an Entity, not necessarily as a sentient Being watching over us. God doesn't "answer" our prayers, we send our wanting energies out into the universe, and that supreme force (aka God!) oftentimes sends those energies back in a way that encapsulates our desires.

All religions have their contradictions. Why should mine be any different? I'm still fond of my description that spirituality-wise I'm a Pagan, but religion-wise I'm a Christian. I know many people would say I must be one or the other. That if I want to convert, I should just do it. But it seems to me that it's entirely possible to worship two seemingly opposing religions side by side or adopt attributes from one religion into another. That, my friends, is how religions are formed! Just look at everything Christianity stole from Judaism. Religions evolve, they grow, they prosper, they die out, they change. That's how we have so many denominations of Christianity, why there are so many Neo-pagan paths. How many Pagans out there are following a century old tradition? How many are basically making it up as they go along (those who use gods/goddesses from different pantheons/cultures, who celebrate the turning of the Wheel differently than others, usw)?

It shouldn't matter to Pagans, I would think, what religion someone else is, because they should know its the same god. Isn't that correct? That all the names we attribute to those we call gods are really just naming the one supreme force of everything? What should it matter to Christians, who need to get the plank out of their eye before they even bother with my measly little splinter. What makes you think I hold my beliefs any less close to my heart than you hold yours? Are Christians who are discovering writings on Sophia/Wisdom and deciding to worship Her alongside God/YHWH any less Christian? Are Pagans who decide to only worship a "singe" god any less Pagan?

I believe God/dess(supreme ultimate being, if you will) leads us all down the paths we take. Or, barring that, leaves little signposts and hints and clues pointing to the paths we should be on. And, well, I'm where God/dess wants me for now. Or I'm just making things up.

Random notes

Since I am lacking a flash drive (*gasp* I know! The horror), the easiest way to get files from my computer to other computers is to email them to myself. It seems I've been doing this on a regular basis since the semester started in August. Every email I send to myself, I always write a little uplifting tidbit that I know will make me smile. Yes, I know it's cheesy! And, yes, I know that I already know what I said. But it's still nice. I tell myself that I'm beautiful, or wonderful, or I remind myself that I'm going to kick ass at whatever I want to do. It really brightens my day. I just think it's a fun way to incorporate some self-love into my life.

When I was a teenager, I hated myself. I hated my body and my mind. I thought I was fat and ugly. After I had Camden, though, I made a pact with myself to be a better person. I decided to A) love myself, however I was B) find the beauty in others and C) always be honest. Maybe something else, but that was almost three years ago! Of those I've succeeded most at loving myself and finding the beauty in others. I'm still struggling with the being honest. I'm not saying I'm a compulsory liar or anything like that, but it's hard for me to be honest about my feelings to myself and to others. I knowingly shortchange myself.

My "Rules for Life" were based off of my views of Paganism at the time. But they also fit in with my (now) Christian views, too. Love thy neighbor and all that. It really does make life easier, if you actively search for the good/beauty in yourself and in others. It enables you to see past small faults to the person within.

I tell my friends they're beautiful. Sometimes I tell people I don't know very well at all that they're beautiful. Always, they laugh or brush it off as me being odd. But, honestly, they are beautiful, and it saddens me that some people don't see it.

What do you wish to complete?

Jamie Ridler over at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us today:

What do you wish to complete?

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I wish to complete the cleaning of my apartment! This place is such a disaster area!

I wish to complete No Screws Required, a marimba piece I began a month ago. Hope to have this one ready to go somewhatly by Thanksgiving and completely by January/February.

I wish to complete college without changing my major too many more times. Deadline for this one is hopefully May 2011, though if I switch to Music-Ed, I may be going a bit longer.

I think those are all my wishes for now. ^_^

Dream (post recovery)

I have to say, I love this dream that I had. The surreal feeling and, probably more so, the meaning I have attached to it.

I'm glad that I realised my well-being in religious terms is more important than making Dan (my boyfriend) happy. Just after I wrote this post was when I really started looking into Christopaganism (Christopaganity? lol), or looking for others who felt the same way I did. Those who felt like Christians and Witches/Pagans. I even found some. A blog or two, some websites, some groups on Yahoo! but most of these were talking about those coming from Christian backgrounds. I guess Christians want to be Witches more than Witches want to be Christians?

I still try to fit God into the Christian boundaries. Heavenly Father, God, He. Not Mother, Goddess, She, which are terms I used as an exclusive Pagan. On this blog I've been writing God/dess and S/He, which I will probably continue to use, but thinking about God, it is He, God. I worry sometimes about losing the Goddess, because if I don't think about god in terms of Goddess, it seems that nurturing quality is gone. The femininity is displaced. Christians live in such a small box, only once have I heard a Christian refer to God as Father and Mother, but for most others it is only God as Father. God couldn't possibly be Mother, too. For me, something is just innately wrong with that picture.

17-08-2009

When I was about thirteen, I had a dream where I was walking in the rain through the woods near my home towards a pond. As I neared the pond, I noticed a rather nondescript man in an overcoat, staring out over the water. I approached him, and he turned to me. He gave no greeting but stated, "it's raining."

"Yeah, I know" I told him.

"I'm going to go," he says, and begins to leave down a road. He's off the bank when he turns and asks, "Aren't you coming?"

"No," I say, "I'll just go back the way I came."

And the dream changes to a completely different plot-line. I actually had this dream a few times. I never knew what it meant, if it meant anything. Even now, I can only guess.

At that time, I was converting to Wicca. I either already had, or would soon after. I can't exactly remember. Looking back, I see the man in my dream as Jesus. I turned from Him, and chose to go my own way. And He was okay with it.

I bring this up, because it's raining today. And I was out walking in the rain, and it reminded me of this dream. The rain, a surreal feeling, it was very similar to how the dream felt those eight or nine years ago. And I couldn't help but wonder where and who I would be if I chose to follow that man all those years ago.

Christianity as most churches teach it is not a perfect fit for me. It's barely even a fit. I cannot believe in a God who is love eternal, who damns all to Hell for not accepting Him. I cannot believe that the people of Islam or Hinduism or Paganism are anymore likely to be spending eternity in Hell than their Christian brothers and sisters.

I feel so disconnected from god. There are so many stereotypes and such in this religion that I feel lost. I did this for Dan. No, I did this for myself, so that I could experience the happiness and love I knew I would have with Dan. And I have that, but at what cost? I've abandoned the gods and myths and stories and magics that I loved for a god I can't relate to. For a god who makes me feel as though I have to prove my worth. For a god who I cannot see in nature.

But... It's not the god I have a problem with, for I knew God as a witch and loved him. Though I called Him Goddess, and saw Her in all that I did and all that I saw. It's not the God, it's the religion. I can't talk to anyone about my religion, without being named a doubter, a sinner, a witch. I would like to talk about it with Dan, but he still believes so differently than do I.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a liar, wearing a Christian facade over my Witchy interior. If I reject Christianity, then I lose the man I love. But if I reject my nature as a Witch, then I lose myself. I believe I could combine them, be a witch and still accept Jesus... But I fear that path would also lead to me losing the man I love. And if I do it and don't tell him, then I am lying to him.

Jumbly thoughts (Post recovery)

This is quite the interesting post! It really is just a jumble of my thoughts on the subject, when I'm still fairly green to the idea of Christianity. I can see my feet starting to turn down the conjoined path of a Christopagan. "I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible."

I also raise some (pretty good, in my opinion!) questions about the nature of Heaven and afterlife. Before I believed that we just kind of hang out in Summerland (or wherever) until we choose to be reborn. That we choose to be reborn, not to correct past indiscretions or even to learn (reaching Nirvana), but because of our love of life, our love of living. Christian heaven is where we spend eternity with God. But doing what? Are we just zombies on that plane, because, really, what is there to do?! At the moment (for a long while, really), my view of the afterlife is based on the book and movie What Dreams May Come. More on this later!

I also go into pantheism. Not all pagans are pantheist; many probably don't even know what it means. But I was/am. God/dess exists fully in everything, and yet S/He is still separate and apart from everything. One of those contradictions all religions are so fond of. I see science and reason as the revealing of God/dess. A scavenger hunt, I called it in this post. Every thing we discover about our natural world takes us one step closer to discovering God/dess, and that makes seeking intelligence holy.

16-04-2009
I am unsure where I am in my life and where I am headed. I don't know what I believe. I know what I want to believe, but I'm not sure that I can without changing it into something else. Something more like me. I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible. Life is messy and messy is supposedly fun. And my contradictions are most definitely messy and most definitely not fun. I feel God, the Ultimate Supreme Being, when I'm in church. No, when I'm in Dan's church. I didn't feel Him at Dad's. I still hold a pantheistic world view. As a Christian. Hah! But God isn't some, no, God CAN'T be some separate person. God is within us all. Within everything. The Holy Spirit, if you will. I have a chunk of God within me, yet it's more than that. God is infinite, and in His infinity, He is within me. I don't have just a chunk of God, but ALL of God. All of God is in you, and the next person and the next. Even non-believers. Even Eric, who chooses science/reason as victors in this battle between two ideals that go hand in hand. Science and reason simply reveal to us God's plans. For thousands of years, people didn't know enough about how things worked to understand evolution. Now we do. We discover God in everything we do. It's like a scavenger hunt! How much can we discover about this world of His, of ours, before we leave it? Does he send us back to learn more? Do I have to stay in Heaven for eternity? What is there to do? It has been my suffering which has made me the person I am, the person I love. There is no suffering in heaven, no trials, no sadness, no pain. So... What's the point? It is these things that create the fulfillment of life. Shouldn't my afterlife be just as fulfilling? Moreso even?

I know this is rambly and not well-thought-out at all. Didn't really have a plan coming into it. So it's just my thoughts, I suppose... So many thoughts just tumbling around. It's no wonder I'm confused. ^.^

All dogs go to heaven... or do they?

This isn't real, but it's hilarious, nonetheless!

Progressive

In my search for a "brand" of Christianity that I could fit into, I found instead a movement that spoke to me: progressive Christianity. It is a very accepting movement, one with people who realise that the path of Yeshua is not necessarily for everyone. That Christ's supper should be shared with all, not simply believers (or, like some churches, only members of that church/denomination). I love this movement, because I know that these progressive Christians would accept me as a Witch or as a Christian. I don't know that they'll accept me as a Christopagan, but I've come to the point where I realize my religious choices are ultimately between myself and God(dess). Being a Witch/Pagan allows me to feel closer to God than being a Christian alone. I have so many ideas and assumptions associated with what it means to be a Christian; embracing a Pagan world-view allows me to look beyond those assumptions and embrace the Divine. It allows me to look beyond the judgment and hostility I've felt from the Christian community and into the eyes of God to see the future S/He's set before me.

I embraced the progressive Christian movement, because it was the most liberal idea of Christianity I could find. It allowed me to embrace that witchy side of myself (subconsciously.) Now that I am identifying as a Christopagan, and fully embracing both the "Christian" and "Pagan" parts of myself, I still fully agree with the Eight Points of the progressive movement (especially the 6th!) I am now, obviously, a Christian out loud as well as in my heart.


31-3-09

"I am a Christian who has found an approach to God through the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.

I am a Christian who recognizes the faithfulness of other people who have other names for the way to God's realm, and acknowledge that their ways are true for them, as my way is true for me.

I am a Christian who understands the sharing of bread and wine in Jesus' name to be a representation of an ancient vision of God's feast for all peoples.

I am a Christian who invites all people to participate in my community and worship life without insisting that they become like me in order to be acceptable

I am a Christian who knows that the way I behave toward other people is the fullest expression of what I believe.

I am a Christian who who finds more grace in the search for meaning than in absolute certainty, in the questions than in the answers.

I am a Christian who believes in communities dedicated to equipping one another for the work we feel called to do: striving for peace and justice among all people, protecting and restoring the integrity of all God's creation, and bringing hope to those Jesus called the least of his sisters and brothers.

I am a Christian who recognizes that being a follower of Jesus is costly, and entails selfless love, conscientious resistance to evil, and renunciation of privilege."

I am a Christian, in my heart if not out loud.

How far I've come (post recovery)

It's so interesting for me to read through these posts from earlier in the year, and just see the evolution of my beliefs. I don't have this from when I first converted to Wicca, and I think it would be a fantastic read if I did. Except for the fact that I was thirteen. ^_^ Anyway, about this entry:

I said I was firmly rooted in the Christian faith, but I just didn't see the world in the usual Christian way. Maybe because I was looking through the eyes of a Witch? I didn't realise at that point that I can be both a Christian and a Pagan and fully embrace both. I think my biggest mistake in all of this was thinking that my values had to change, just because I adopted a few beliefs.

28-03-2009

I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself as well as finding a part of myself. It's an odd feeling. I'm losing my connection to nature, to the world. Someone said (don't know who, don't know where... Maybe the tower?) that it doesn't matter how you find God, be it in a church, in your home, or in a field, what matters is that you find Him. But, honestly, I still feel as though I'd already found God. I found the One who breathed life in to the nothingness, and I followed the One with love in my heart, love for Him/Her, love for me, love for my fellow journeymen, and love for my journey and the path I was taking.

I guess the real dilemma is that I'm trying to just adopt Jesus Christ into this relationship. And I WANT to. But I'm afraid everything I've known to be true will be said to be false. Is it blasphemous that I believe God is everyone's God? That He sets on the course we are to follow? And if that path doesn't meet up with Jesus Christ, then it's okay, He still loves his children.

As a Christian, I accept that Jesus Christ was sent to Earth by God to sacrifice himself for our sins, so that we may be forgiven and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But from what I know, this isn't the only way to get into Heaven. What about those who perished before Jesus came? Are they in Hell now? Those before the Jewish people? The first homo sapiens who had not yet developed religion? Which brings up another question for me: Can I truly believe in a religion, any religion, knowing that it's something humans created? (Maybe inspired to create? Hrm...)

Dan wants to hook me up with his pastor, so I can talk to him. And on one hand, I love the idea! But on the other hand, I know that I have so many ideas that aren't exactly agreeable with the Christian doctrine. Such as my journey as a Witch being in God's plans for me. :p

They say it's Grace that saves a person. Not believing in Jesus, not asking for forgiveness, not going to church every Sunday and Wednesday and holiday. It's by the Grace of God that we're saved. He loves us so much, that it doesn't matter we're flawed, or maybe it's because of our flaws He loves us. Does it really matter to Him that some of His children call him by a different name and worship Him through different rituals, as long as they're doing the best they can?

I don't see myself going back to being Pagan. I feel firmly rooted in the Christian faith. But the way I see the world is not the usual Christian way. Where I stand on many issues is not where most Christians stand. ...Does that mean I can't be a Christian? Does that mean I'm not a true Christian?

I choose to love God in my own way. If that's not the way this church or that church says it's how I should love him, does it really make me wrong?

Excitement (post recovery)

I feel somewhat bad that I'm not really posting new (to me) stuff, but I think it is important that you, my reader, know where I'm coming from. It's taken me six months to come to a comfortable combination of Christianity and Paganism, but I still find it amazing how quickly I was able to convert to Christianity, if not the "Christian" world-view. Yes, I think I was converting to help develop my relationship with Dan, but now I don't think that matters because I truly believe in Christianity--in my own way. I'm not sure if it's Christianity with a dash of Paganism or Paganism with a dash of Christianity, but either way, it is what it is.

24-03-2009

I am as excited about Christianity today as I was about Wicca nine years ago. I've defined myself and my thinking as Pagan for so long now, that it is odd to find myself a Christian. I'm amazed I can accept Jesus into my heart, after denying Him and His teachings. But, his teachings are the same as what the Goddess taught me. I don't know that I can truly call myself a Christian, because I still believe the Christian God (my God!) is the same as the Goddess I've been following. He just knew he had to show me a different side of Himself, knowing I would come back. (Or maybe I'm just making things up... But that is how I feel)

Exploring Christianity (post recovery)

Wow, I can't believe I only started this journey of mine in March. I feels like both a much longer and a much shorter time than that. My post below is pretty self explanatory. God/dess(Great Universal Power Thingy) put Paganism in my path for a reason, and if the Christian God really is part of the Great Universal Power Thingy, which if he's a god, then he is! then I was meant to be a pagan, so why convert to Christianity? The labels I listed at the end, I still find them good labels, and are probably less controversial than Christopagan, but I feel that Christopagan really encompasses what it is I believe better than saying "I'm a Free Christian." :D

21-03-2009

I've invested so much time and effort into being a Pagan. I was happy as a Pagan. Maybe not the whole time, but it helped me find happiness. So many of my experiences and memories are tied up in being a Pagan.

I'm still unsure what I want to do. I don't oppose the important parts of Christianity, at least, I could come to believe in them. God as my Lord, Jesus as the Son of God and my Savior, and the Holy Ghost. It's other things. I guess they're important, too. Can a loving God really damn everyone who finds a better way for them to Hell? Is every other path that inspires goodness and love in a person's heart wrong? These things, I don't believe. No one deserves Hell for eternity, no sin can be that great.

This is hard, because I know it is a life-changing decision. This is... so difficult, I can't even describe it. Coming into Wicca/Paganism was easy. I was searching, then. I was searching and found what I was looking for. ...If I was meant for Christianity, wouldn't God have put it in my path then? But... Can you imagine if I'd been a Christian all that time? I would not have had Cammie, I know this for a fact. I don't know that I would have learned to love myself. I... wouldn't be the person I am today. I LOVE who I am. I love being me. And it was Paganism that helped me to this point. Maybe God knew that I couldn't have made this connection with Him as a Christian. That I could never see Him as loving me, personally. I see it now. Sometimes, when the moment is right and I'm paying attention, I can feel it. It's such an overpowering love that it almost scares me.

But... If I believe God set me on the path of a Pagan... Can I really believe it's wrong in His eyes? Perhaps He knew it was the only way for me to truly find Jesus. Maybe I'm just full of shit, too ^.^ But, honestly, this isn't to make anyone happy but myself.

Three months ago if someone had told me that by summer I'd be a Christian, I would have laughed in their face. And probably slapped them for good measure. Now, though... I can see that's where I'm headed. I have the overall picture, but I'm still trying to hammer out the details. It makes me feel better to know that Dan is still hammering out his details, too. To know that probably everyone is.

Inclusive Christianity. Free Christianity. Universal Unitarian. These are labels that please me. Sie gefaellen mir. These label what I believe in better than the term Christianity alone.

First post!

While this blog is just starting out, I'm not new to the blogging world. Well, that's not really true, I guess! I've had an online journal for about three years and though I'd like to call it a blog, its not. Just a diary, really. But I'm going through some spiritual transformations that I'd like to share apart from my regular journal.

So a little back history on me:

I lost the little faith I had in Jesus Christ and the Christian God when I was eight. My dad had been in a car accident and was charged with vehicular manslaughter. I asked God to keep him out of prison. No answer. Four or five years later I began researching different religions and found Wicca. I identified as a Wiccan for many years before deciding to label myself as a Pagan.

At twenty I was very strong in my Pagan faith. I began sleeping with a friend of mine, not planning anything to come of it, but, alas, feelings developed. Only one problem: he was a Christian and told me he couldn't date a non-Christian. Have amazing sex with a non-Christian, yes, but be involved in a serious relationship, no. So in April, I decided to give Christianity a shot. And found, to my surprise, that I rather liked it. I love being able to worship with other people, singing praises to God, and the feeling of community a church offered. (I had never found a coven or even a fellow Pagan in my area.)

So I converted! It took about a month as a Christian to realise it wasn't quite working out the way I'd hoped. I missed the feminine aspect of God (Goddess). I missed the holidays I'd fallen in love with and come to know in the past nine years as a Pagan. I wanted those back. But... I also fully enjoyed church and walking with Jesus.

So my search for my true path was on! I found out that other people were having these same issues, though usually they were Christians coming to Paganism and not the other way around!! The term Christopagan took form in my head and hasn't really left since that moment.

So in essence, Witch in Church is about my journey as a Christopagan. My finding Yeshua as a Pagan, but doing more than just accepting Him into my pantheon.

Over the next few days, I'll move posts over from my journal/blog that are about my finding my path.