pantheist? non-theist? atheist?

"But as I continue developing my spiritual practice, the feelings it evokes reminds me that I am engaging in this ritual, in this reverence, for the very reason that I am not entirely an atheist. For me, I feel the Cosmos to be divine. I feel a divinity in its mystery, its vastness, its connectedness, in the very fact of its being. But I have yet to define for myself what this concept of the divine really means for me – and if the reverence and connectedness I feel can be called theism of any kind." Áine W., The Spinning of the Wheel

For such a long time I've identified with the term pantheism.  If you don't know, pantheism is the idea that the Divine is in everything, everything is Divine.  God or Deity or Whomever can be found in rocks, trees, stars, plastics, buildings, shoes.  Everything.  So I always said I was a pantheist.  Or I thought it, at the very least.  God, for me, was never personal, which is a large part of why I didn't continue with Christopaganism, or whatever I may have been calling it at the start of this blog.  The Christian god is supposed to be personal. And even in Paganism, with polytheism abound, choosing pantheons or choosing fitting gods from one culture or another always seemed like a large part of celebrating the Divine.  Gods have personalities; it makes them personable.  

But I never felt that.  Praying to Gaia felt no different than praying to Cernunnos. So when I stumbled across this term, pantheism, I ran with it.  It was awesome.  I felt... comfortable with the Divine, although I think the word comfortable is wrong here.  It felt sensible to me, at any rate.

As the years went by and I stepped away from the Pagan path (not to any other particular path except maybe secularism), I began losing pantheism.  It became muddied in my mind.  I would laughingly joke that I was an atheist pagan because god, for me, was all and nothing at the same time.  Could I really claim to be a pagan if my view of god was so broad that I lost any sense of the divine?  

I always hated trying to define my beliefs, because it always came down to, "Well, I'm a Pagan... kinda.  Maybe I'm an atheist... but not really.  It's complicated."  And it is complicated. Like Áine, in the quote above, I am still hammering out my definition of what god is and means to me.  It's something I'll probably still be hammering away at when I am on my deathbed, if I am still lucid.  But I like what Áine says, that the divinity of existence is in its vastness and (inter)connectedness.  

So. Pantheist? Non-theist? Atheist?

I'm a Pagan, and I view god through pantheist eyes.  God is the energy that moves the universe and moves through the universe.  God is impersonal, despite the fact that I sometimes give it a face and a name for my own comfort.  I feel the Divine whether I am lighting incense and saying a prayer, cleaning a stream, or hugging a tree, because the Divine is in all there is.  The Wiccan Goddess saying "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals" describes my view of god, because the energy moving through the universe is love and acts of love bring us closer to experiencing the Divine.

to be a witch

To be a witch is to...

love and be loved

know everything and nothing at all

move among the stars while staying on earth

follow the moon

change the world around you and yourself

live with the earth, not just on it

dance and sing and hold hands with the universe

share and give, while receiving all the while

BE magic, not just perform it

be honourable or nothing at all

accept others

harm none

know what you feel is right and good

see beyond the barriers

honour the gods and yourself

be one with the gods

study and learn

be the teacher and the student

acknowledge the truth

be truly free

Found an image with this listing on it, except the listing was in a super random order (and it likely still is even after my tweaking) and had some grammatical errors... so I fixed it up. Every time it comes up (with a new person) that I'm a witch, they tend to ask me what that entails/what I believe... I'm thinking I should print this stuff out on business cards to hand out to the nosycurious people who should really just mind their own business.

living with purpose

First off, happy Solstice! As usual, I've (obviously) failed to manage a holiday post. Luckily, I can keep trying. Camden and I didn't do much to "celebrate," but we did enjoy the summer, although it was fairly cool. He and I talked about the Oak and Holly Kings fighting, and the Holly King winning to lead our march toward Yule (where they'll fight again, with the Oak King as victor). We went to a local nature center to stare at some honey bees (a small inside hive (with a pipe leading outside) made of plexiglass so you can see the bees doing bee things. We also ogled a bull snake that was apparently not hungry, since it wasn't munching on the (live) mouse in its tank. Then we came home and grilled chicken for dinner. All in all, a fun day.

And on to the topic of the hour:

I've known about Transcendentalism since high school or junior high. But I only knew about it in the general sort of way. Last fall, in my AmeriLit class, I actually read the Transcendentalist authors; Whitman, Thoreau, Emerson. And I fell in love. Then, earlier this year, I was introduced to the term simple living, in reference to modern life, as opposed to "back in the day" simplicity. I think that if every one would strive to live simply, the world would be a better place. Less waste, more community. Less stress, more time. Less hate, more love. As a world-wide community (Western/modernized world, anyway), we have a consumerist and materialistic ethic. We want what we want (or what they want us to want), and we want it now. And to help us get this stuff we have to work long hours at jobs we may or may not enjoy. We want our children to want stuff too, so we help them "get ahead" by over-scheduling them.

That's not something I want from my life. I don't want the hectic schedule of work, soccer practice, music lessons, dinner at McDonald's, TV, bed, rinse and repeat. I want my life to be my own. I want my life to belong to me and my family, not to the world at large. A book that I am reading suggested making a purpose statement for one's family. Because part of living simply is living with purpose. And it's hard to live with a purpose that hasn't been defined. My purpose statement? (Rather: my family's purpose statement.)

Enjoy Life; Love Others.

That is the shortened version. Both are basic yet vital to my spiritual and religious beliefs. The (only slightly) lengthier version is:

Enjoy life by
-making our home a place of creativity, love and laughter
-living within our means
-being environmentally conscious
Love others by
-loving (family) unconditionally
-participating in community service
-having faith in god, nature, others, and one's self

I am sure that at some point this will change. Not greatly, maybe just a tweak here or there. But for now, it is enough.

acceptance

A week or so ago, I mentioned my "secret garden" in passing to a friend, and when he asked about it, we both thought it would be easier to simply link him to the blog post I made. Either the address of my blog, or the name, led him to ask me if I was a witch. When I said yes... He said the oddest thing. He said good. Good that I was a witch!

And and a few days ago, I was at the doctor, and he saw my tattoo. And suddenly he started gushing about how beautiful it was (and at that point, I noticed how dry and ashy my legs were and was mortified that I forgot to put lotion on) and asked if it had any meaning. So, I told him it was a pentacle and he pipes up, "Like in Wicca, right?" And I hesitated... Because I'm not a Wiccan, but he took it as me being worried about the usual persecution we non-book religions suffer and said "Oh, it's cool! I've studied Wicca a bit and it's a really neat religion. ... You classify it as a religion, right?" LOL So I said that I was Pagan, and yes, it is a religion. I'm assuming he thought it might be classified as a spirituality?

Anyway, don't mind me. I'm just basking in the warm glow of acceptance. I hope that, someday, it is something we all can experience. Actually, no. I hope that someday this is the normal way of things, and there will be no warm glow because it will just be how things are.

Simple Living

For the last several years, I've been interested in the "Green Revolution," the idea of homesteading (and more recently, urban homesteading), and leading a simple life. I always assumed that the "simple life" required living the way my grandparents did: hard work, little money, and few possessions.

To an extent, I suppose, I was right, but living simply isn't necessarily reverting back to the stone age (haha). I picked up a book at the library last week called The Simple Living Guide by Janet Luhrs. This book told me very little that I didn't already know, but it was good because it put many of my thoughts and philosophies into words. Living simply is less about going back to the good ol' days and more about living deliberately and fully. The movement... well, I don't know that it is a movement, per se. The idea behind simple living stems from Transcendentalist thought. And I am a huge fan of the Transcendentalists (Whitman, Thoreau, Emerson, usw).

It's about living life one day at a time, one moment at a time. It's about being fully present and focused (ie, limited multitasking). It's about knowing the consequences of actions (if I buy this car, I'm going to have to work X number of years to be able to pay it off and spend that much less time with my family, etc). And while it's not about living an austere lifestyle (unless that's your thing, of course) it is about paring down to mostly just essentials. It's peaceful living, realised both within and outside of oneself.

Anyway, if a "simple life" is something that is attractive to you, I definitely suggest this book. It's filled with wisdom, excellent quotes, and nifty stories about real people who live within their philosophies. Also, it gives some good ideas on how to get started backing away from the hectic life of the typical American and into a simpler life.

Dreaming

I feel as though I am living a dream. Not in the sense that my life is working out perfectly and everything is amazing; I feel as though I am drifting. My sense of time is all out of whack. My sense of focus and drive and purpose, also. Is this what happens to people who have nothing to occupy their time? Even when I try to be purposeful about something, it seems to always get pushed aside for something just a bit more whimsical. Why unpack when I could be with friends? Why organise and sort when I could be outside playing ball with Cam. Why blog when I could be reading a book?

Maybe because it's summer. Maybe because classes are over. Maybe because despite the move, this has not been a week for focusing on things outside of myself. (A yellow jacket stung my ankle Sunday morning, and my foot was quite swollen and painful up until last night.)

Tonight is the full moon. I hope that the comfort of ritual will snap me back to myself. Purpose. Drive. Direction.

What defines you?

So tonight I decided to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic because I really enjoyed the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella and was somewhat excited about seeing the movie. And it was actually really well done, except for the fact that it was set in America (books are in England.) Though, I could just be thinking that because A) I did not actually read the books (audio books for car trips) and B) it's been about a year probably since I read(listened!) to Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Anyway, in the movie, Becky's parents buy an RV because her dad has always wanted one. He offers to sell it to help her out, and she says "No. Don't you dare. It totally defines you!" Or some such. He replies, "The only things that defines me are you and your mother." And I was all like, awwww. lol

Seriously though, it made me wonder, what defines me? There are so many things and so many moments in my life that have helped shape me into who I am today; but do any of them define me? I guess, if you looked up the One Witch Sydnii in the dictionary, what would you find as my definition? Camden, obviously, for without him, I, as I am now, would not exist. The marimba. The sound it makes, the music it creates: that is a part of me.

Also, I am defined by my relationships, how I interact with and respond to people, but also how I interact with and respond to the gods. But this, I'm afraid, is less easily described as succinctly as something as concrete as a child or a thing.

And more into the realm of the abstract: am I defined by what I do not have or what I have given away or what has been taken from me? Am I defined by anything from within or must my definition always come from without? Am I truly unique or simply a melting pot for others' ideas and being?

Does it make a difference?

At the end of the day, aren't I still me?

On death and dying and the afterlife

I meant to write this post a couple of weeks ago, when it was closer to Samhain, but something always came up. I've started this post several times, but every time I either got distracted, or it just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. Oddly, though, it didn't go away. It's just been floating around in my head.

My favourite story about my infancy took place when I was was first introduced to my extended family when I was only a few days old. My Papa, who as a rule, did not like babies until they could walk and talk, told my Mom, "Give me my baby!" And he took me and held me. And from that day, much to the shock of the entire family, I was his baby. He died, I believe, a few months later. Mom always said he took to me because he knew he wouldn't have a chance later, that he knew something was going to happen to him. Even though I never knew him, I still cry thinking about him. Hell, I'm crying as I write this. I can feel his love.

As a child, when I was just an assumed Christian, because I knew nothing else existed, when I prayed to God, I would also pray to Papa. Sometimes I wouldn't even talk to God, I would just talk to Papa. I knew, with the knowledge only a child has, that Papa was in Heaven, with nothing better to do than to sit on a cloud watching his favourite grandchild and listening to her prayers.

I never dreamed that my views on the afterlife would change so drastically. I no longer believe in Heaven in the way I remember knowing it to be as a child. Heaven isn't where we go for an eternity after we die. Can you imagine how boring that would be?! Walking around on the clouds, with nothing to do?! Ew.

In the show Dead Like Me, the afterlife is personal, although you don't see what actually takes place once a person enters their afterlife: you only catch a glimpse of it. The one I remember most clearly was that of an Irishman. His afterlife was on the cliffs of (Ireland somewhere, I'm assuming) overlooking the ocean. I also remember a young girl's afterlife was an amusement park. It's an interesting concept. One can also see that concept at work in the movie (and book!) What Dreams May Come. The dead go to their own private world, while God is... out there... somewhere. They can choose to remain in their world for however long they wish, then they can return to earth and be reborn.

I find it amusing that my theology of the afterlife is based off of this show and this movie/book. But those views fit in with what I believe, what I've believed for a long time. In one of my books about Wicca/Paganism, the author states that as Witches, we are not reborn in order to learn lessons and "progress," but, rather, because we enjoy living. We enjoy life. This sentiment really speaks to me. Would eternity of no worries or stress really be that awesome? Wouldn't happily ever after become redundant?

After I die, I don't know what great adventures I will have. I don't know that I'll get to have any. But I can only hope that they offer challenges that will sustain my drive to overcome. Perhaps I will get the chance to be reborn. Perhaps the life after this will be in its own place and time, another stepping stone to where ever my soul is headed. But I sincerely hope that whatever it is, it isn't boring!

Wishcasting Wednesday

What do you wish to experience?

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I wish to experience a point in time where I think to myself: I can do this! In general, I have faith in myself, but that faith is tempered by doubts about the future, my overall abilities, and worries about how others will perceive me. Just one time, I would love to experience an all-consuming confidence in myself and in my life, with nothing dampening it.

I wish to continue experiencing the joy in knowing that in a few years I will be doing what I love most. The joy in knowing I am making a career in music and will be gainfully employed. (haha)

Clarification ([last] post recovery)

I'm putting my recovered post first, this time. My comments and amendments will be below it.

19-08-2009
So, in no uncertain terms, this is what I believe:

God the Father, Yeshua the Son, the Holy Spirit(possibly as the feminine side of God?)

Yeshua is God's Son, His Flesh on Earth, sent to teach us, guide us, Save us (from what, I don't know. Bad harvest?)

The Bible is most definitely NOT infallible. It was written by MEN in a different time, a different place. It serves as a good guide book, as good as, but no better or worse, than the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, etc. It has been CHANGED since originally written 1500-2000 years ago.

Hell does not exist, at least not in the form mostly thought of. No fire, no brimstone, no devil. I don't know what it might be. I don't know what Heaven might be either.

"God," what we call god is both male and female, singular and plural. Which is how we get the Trinity, three in one, one in three. [Completely random side note, A Memory of Light is like its own holy trinity, three books in one, one book in three. Haha!] God also has many names, including Allah, YHWH, Eloah, Jupiter, Zues, Brigit, Thor, etc.

----

So, basically, I'm a pagan worshipping the Christian pantheon. Which technically makes me a Christian. Take that! Really, I don't see it as any big difference; no bigger than the difference between Protestant and Catholic Christianities, anyway. Is this another great schism coming along? Probably not. I doubt Christopaganism will ever become mainstream: too many people on both sides claiming it to be impossible. Perhaps another way of seeing it is that my religion is Christianity while my spirituality is paganism. It's not the "what" I'm questioning, it's the "how." I'm not changing "what" I believe, just the "how" I believe it. You can't stick a Protestant into a Catholic church and expect them to be comfortable with how things go down, even though God, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit are all there. Why should I be any different?

I'd be interested to know what you, my readers (are you there?!), think. Am I just blowing smoke? Should I pick one or the other and stick with it? Or are my points valid (as I think they are!)? Am I any less a Christian than the person who never goes to church? For me, the "what" isn't enough. Or maybe I'm just crazy

How do I say this... I don't know EXACTLY what it is I believe in, religious-wise or any other sort of -wise. I probably never will. I'll always have a general idea, but I feel beliefs are very fluid things with the potential to change. Take my mother: When she learned I was Wiccan oh so many years ago, she was crushed because she had no idea what it meant, but she BELIEVED it was horribly, horribly wrong! With time, she realised I was still a good person, I still worshipped god (in my own way), and it became okay with her. People BELIEVED the Earth was flat. Amusing, no? My point is this: beliefs change, they evolve as more information becomes available or as public morals change (i.e. Women's suffrage).

"It's not the "what" I'm questioning, it's the "how." I'm not changing "what" I believe, just the "how" I believe it."

I tend to use Pagan in a very general form. (I also use Witch and Pagan interchangeably, though I know that for many they aren't. I've always described myself as a Witch or a Pagan, so, for me, they are one in the same. For me. Not necessarily for you.) Earth-worshipper, I suppose. I know I can't speak for all Pagans, but I see it as a way of life that sees god in everything there is and everything we do. In Christianity, it's taught that God is not of this world; though we live in this world, we should not be of it. I don't think that's a good teaching. Of course God is of this world, he made it. Whenever you make something, part of yourself goes into it! And God made everything, therefore God is part of everything. This is probably a big part of why I call myself a Christopagan. I see God as a Force, as an Entity, not necessarily as a sentient Being watching over us. God doesn't "answer" our prayers, we send our wanting energies out into the universe, and that supreme force (aka God!) oftentimes sends those energies back in a way that encapsulates our desires.

All religions have their contradictions. Why should mine be any different? I'm still fond of my description that spirituality-wise I'm a Pagan, but religion-wise I'm a Christian. I know many people would say I must be one or the other. That if I want to convert, I should just do it. But it seems to me that it's entirely possible to worship two seemingly opposing religions side by side or adopt attributes from one religion into another. That, my friends, is how religions are formed! Just look at everything Christianity stole from Judaism. Religions evolve, they grow, they prosper, they die out, they change. That's how we have so many denominations of Christianity, why there are so many Neo-pagan paths. How many Pagans out there are following a century old tradition? How many are basically making it up as they go along (those who use gods/goddesses from different pantheons/cultures, who celebrate the turning of the Wheel differently than others, usw)?

It shouldn't matter to Pagans, I would think, what religion someone else is, because they should know its the same god. Isn't that correct? That all the names we attribute to those we call gods are really just naming the one supreme force of everything? What should it matter to Christians, who need to get the plank out of their eye before they even bother with my measly little splinter. What makes you think I hold my beliefs any less close to my heart than you hold yours? Are Christians who are discovering writings on Sophia/Wisdom and deciding to worship Her alongside God/YHWH any less Christian? Are Pagans who decide to only worship a "singe" god any less Pagan?

I believe God/dess(supreme ultimate being, if you will) leads us all down the paths we take. Or, barring that, leaves little signposts and hints and clues pointing to the paths we should be on. And, well, I'm where God/dess wants me for now. Or I'm just making things up.

Random notes

Since I am lacking a flash drive (*gasp* I know! The horror), the easiest way to get files from my computer to other computers is to email them to myself. It seems I've been doing this on a regular basis since the semester started in August. Every email I send to myself, I always write a little uplifting tidbit that I know will make me smile. Yes, I know it's cheesy! And, yes, I know that I already know what I said. But it's still nice. I tell myself that I'm beautiful, or wonderful, or I remind myself that I'm going to kick ass at whatever I want to do. It really brightens my day. I just think it's a fun way to incorporate some self-love into my life.

When I was a teenager, I hated myself. I hated my body and my mind. I thought I was fat and ugly. After I had Camden, though, I made a pact with myself to be a better person. I decided to A) love myself, however I was B) find the beauty in others and C) always be honest. Maybe something else, but that was almost three years ago! Of those I've succeeded most at loving myself and finding the beauty in others. I'm still struggling with the being honest. I'm not saying I'm a compulsory liar or anything like that, but it's hard for me to be honest about my feelings to myself and to others. I knowingly shortchange myself.

My "Rules for Life" were based off of my views of Paganism at the time. But they also fit in with my (now) Christian views, too. Love thy neighbor and all that. It really does make life easier, if you actively search for the good/beauty in yourself and in others. It enables you to see past small faults to the person within.

I tell my friends they're beautiful. Sometimes I tell people I don't know very well at all that they're beautiful. Always, they laugh or brush it off as me being odd. But, honestly, they are beautiful, and it saddens me that some people don't see it.