01 October 2009

How far I've come (post recovery)

It's so interesting for me to read through these posts from earlier in the year, and just see the evolution of my beliefs. I don't have this from when I first converted to Wicca, and I think it would be a fantastic read if I did. Except for the fact that I was thirteen. ^_^ Anyway, about this entry:

I said I was firmly rooted in the Christian faith, but I just didn't see the world in the usual Christian way. Maybe because I was looking through the eyes of a Witch? I didn't realise at that point that I can be both a Christian and a Pagan and fully embrace both. I think my biggest mistake in all of this was thinking that my values had to change, just because I adopted a few beliefs.


I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself as well as finding a part of myself. It's an odd feeling. I'm losing my connection to nature, to the world. Someone said (don't know who, don't know where... Maybe the tower?) that it doesn't matter how you find God, be it in a church, in your home, or in a field, what matters is that you find Him. But, honestly, I still feel as though I'd already found God. I found the One who breathed life in to the nothingness, and I followed the One with love in my heart, love for Him/Her, love for me, love for my fellow journeymen, and love for my journey and the path I was taking.

I guess the real dilemma is that I'm trying to just adopt Jesus Christ into this relationship. And I WANT to. But I'm afraid everything I've known to be true will be said to be false. Is it blasphemous that I believe God is everyone's God? That He sets on the course we are to follow? And if that path doesn't meet up with Jesus Christ, then it's okay, He still loves his children.

As a Christian, I accept that Jesus Christ was sent to Earth by God to sacrifice himself for our sins, so that we may be forgiven and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But from what I know, this isn't the only way to get into Heaven. What about those who perished before Jesus came? Are they in Hell now? Those before the Jewish people? The first homo sapiens who had not yet developed religion? Which brings up another question for me: Can I truly believe in a religion, any religion, knowing that it's something humans created? (Maybe inspired to create? Hrm...)

Dan wants to hook me up with his pastor, so I can talk to him. And on one hand, I love the idea! But on the other hand, I know that I have so many ideas that aren't exactly agreeable with the Christian doctrine. Such as my journey as a Witch being in God's plans for me. :p

They say it's Grace that saves a person. Not believing in Jesus, not asking for forgiveness, not going to church every Sunday and Wednesday and holiday. It's by the Grace of God that we're saved. He loves us so much, that it doesn't matter we're flawed, or maybe it's because of our flaws He loves us. Does it really matter to Him that some of His children call him by a different name and worship Him through different rituals, as long as they're doing the best they can?

I don't see myself going back to being Pagan. I feel firmly rooted in the Christian faith. But the way I see the world is not the usual Christian way. Where I stand on many issues is not where most Christians stand. ...Does that mean I can't be a Christian? Does that mean I'm not a true Christian?

I choose to love God in my own way. If that's not the way this church or that church says it's how I should love him, does it really make me wrong?

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