Dreams

I've had two dreams in the last month where I woke up while trying to protect Camden from some danger or another. The first was a zombie apocalypse dream, the second was a tornado. While I realise zombies don't exist and could in no way endanger Camden, that dream really freaked me out, aside from the fact that I'm terrified of zombies. In the dream, I had just left him with some people while I went for help, and then I woke up. And all I could think was, "Oh, gods, I left Camden!" The feeling of abandoning a child is not a fun feeling. This morning I awoke from a dream that a tornado was coming and I was huddled over Camden in a closet, trying to protect him. Waking from this dream wasn't nearly as horrifying as the first, probably because I had still been with him in the dream.

And then the thought occurred to me: Do our dreams end when we wake? Yes, they end for us, but do they continue on their own? Are dreams really made up by our subconscious, or do we somehow jump into a dreamworld when we sleep? (And, yes, I realise I'm being rather silly by speculating on this. I just think it's a neat thought.) In my dreams, I can always recognize my parents' house, although it looks nothing like my parents' house in real life. And from dream to dream, year to year, the dream house does not change. In my dreams, I can recognize my high school, although it, too, is nothing like my actual high school. Other buildings and places, too, but those two stand out the most in my memory. The only time I can remember a dream being exactly like real life is during one of those moments when I realise "I've dreamed this."

But, like my parenthetical said, I'm just being silly and speculating and theorizing about something that is rather unlikely.

On a side note, I've started reading Way of the Goddess, and while some of the exercises and meditations are interesting, the rest of it is not really my cup of tea. Ah, well, I'll continue on and see if it changes. :)

Dream interpretation

So I've managed to find a place to grow a real garden, and not just a container garden. The University farm has garden plots available to students/staff/faculty, which is pretty nifty. Last night I spent some time mapping out what I want and where I want it. And, I think I have some subconscious... hesitations or uncertainties about my garden! I think I have some work to do... read on!

Last night I had a dream that I was going to pick out my spot with my friend who was in a wheel chair. She's not in a wheel chair in real life, but her legs were weak or something in the dream. I told her that they wouldn't get any stronger if she relied on the chair, and she agreed and hopped out and walked just fine! So we started off to the farm. The walk started out just fine, but soon we began to climb a mountain side that had lots of train tracks, or maybe mining cart tracks? We came to where the garden plots were supposed to be, which ended up being a HUGE wooden door in the side of the mountain.

Turns out my garden was supposed to be in a prison for dragons and demons. :( There was a bit more to the dream, but those are the main things that stand out in my mind, the things that I can remember.

Dreammoods.com suggests:

+that my friend in a wheelchair means that she needs my help.
+that climbing the mountain signifies my determination and ambition (to have a garden?)
+that mountains signify obstacles and challenges to overcome and also denote a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.
+that seeing a railroad signifies that I have laid out a set track toward achieving your goals
+that entering through the door symbolises my desire for inner exploration and self-discovery.
+that seeing the "convicts," ie the dragons and demons, indicates that an aspect of myself is unable to freely express itself
+that seeing dragons signifies that I let myself get carried away by my passion.
+that seeing demons dreams represents ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to one's better judgment.

I have to say that this seems to be a very telling dream! Perhaps the dream is not about gardening at all, but about my quest for spiritual fulfillment and betterment. I entered the door to my inner self and faced my darker side. And to be honest, it scared me! I ran away and left those negative emotions in their mountainside prison. The interpretation says that I'm not allowing my passion, ignorance, negativity, etc free expression, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. I confronted it, saw it, and said "No, thank you!" (in my dream at least.) Dreammoods.com suggests that seeing gardens in dreams mirrors your spiritual health. I don't know what to think that my "garden" was up the side of a mountain, in a prison, and surrounded by dragons and demons. I suppose I will have to face my demons in a more direct way than I did in the dream (um.. turn tail and run) before I can begin nurturing my spiritual growth.

What defines you?

So tonight I decided to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic because I really enjoyed the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella and was somewhat excited about seeing the movie. And it was actually really well done, except for the fact that it was set in America (books are in England.) Though, I could just be thinking that because A) I did not actually read the books (audio books for car trips) and B) it's been about a year probably since I read(listened!) to Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Anyway, in the movie, Becky's parents buy an RV because her dad has always wanted one. He offers to sell it to help her out, and she says "No. Don't you dare. It totally defines you!" Or some such. He replies, "The only things that defines me are you and your mother." And I was all like, awwww. lol

Seriously though, it made me wonder, what defines me? There are so many things and so many moments in my life that have helped shape me into who I am today; but do any of them define me? I guess, if you looked up the One Witch Sydnii in the dictionary, what would you find as my definition? Camden, obviously, for without him, I, as I am now, would not exist. The marimba. The sound it makes, the music it creates: that is a part of me.

Also, I am defined by my relationships, how I interact with and respond to people, but also how I interact with and respond to the gods. But this, I'm afraid, is less easily described as succinctly as something as concrete as a child or a thing.

And more into the realm of the abstract: am I defined by what I do not have or what I have given away or what has been taken from me? Am I defined by anything from within or must my definition always come from without? Am I truly unique or simply a melting pot for others' ideas and being?

Does it make a difference?

At the end of the day, aren't I still me?

Precognition

I love moments of deja vu; I find them incredibly fascinating. My deja vu moments are always something I have dreamed. The very first I remember was when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I went with a friend of mine and her mom to look at a house. (Maybe they were thinking of buying it, I don't remember) As we walked up the yard, I was struck with the familiarity of the place, and when we stepped into the kitchen, it hit me like a rock. I'd been there before. I dreamed it. I was able to lead them straight to the stairs that I knew led to a loft bedroom with an old-fashioned quilt on the bed. Other times that this has happened, this knowledge of how things will go, was during a track meet in 7th/8th grade, my geometry class in 9th grade, and once with my boyfriend in the last year. These aren't the only times, but for whatever reason, they're the ones that stand out in my mind.

There's always this moment of "I've done this" immediately after which, I say to myself, "Should I deviate from the plan?" I never do, though. I'm always too engrossed with the line "Oh, gods, I know what's going to happen!" running on repeat on my head to actually concentrate on changing what I know will happen. Sadly, these moments only last for 15-20 seconds at most, and I never get anything as fulfilling as winning lottery numbers. Haha! And of course, there's the fact that I never remember having the dream until I am reliving it. Granted, only my repetitive and fantastical dreams (such as being chased by zombies) stick with me for longer than the minute or three it takes me to wake up. Honestly, who wants to remember a dream where one is sitting in geometry or wrapping an ankle on the football field?

(And of course, I get a phone call in the middle of my post... and I am now horribly distracted by a youtube video of an ensemble piece which I'm part of this semester. FYI, I play the same part as the guy just to the right of center! Minimalism rawks) Okay, where was I?

It seems as though my dreamy precognition happened more often and was more detailed when I was younger. In that first instance, with the house, I knew it like it was my own home. I knew that there would be little blue bottles (perfume or some such) in a window, and there were! Now, though, when it does happen, I'm lucky to remember how a conversation will go for ten seconds. The instance with my boyfriend, for example. I was talking to him (face to face or over the phone, I can't remember) and suddenly it hit me that I'd dreamed it. The knowledge of how it would go only lasted for another ten seconds, if that long, after that awareness. Is that because my dream ended at that point, or because I'm just not properly utilizing my skills? Perhaps it's time for me to leave behind the "Oh, gods, I know what he's going to say, how exciting" and begin moving on to "He said this, and then I said that, and it turned out like such... Is that how I want it to turn out, given this opportunity to change the (predetermined?) future?