I cannot believe that it's been over a year since I posted here. I kept meaning to come back and give updates, but I just never found the time. When I last posted, I was finishing up my last semester of classes in Grad school, then spent a semester student teaching/writing a research paper/trying to find a job. Last summer, we moved to Columbia, Missouri, I got married to my wonderful (and, at times, wonderfully annoying) man (his name is Matt), and I started working as a substitute teacher. We've made some awesome friends and had some awesome experiences so far.
One of my favorite things about COMO is the Unitarian Universalist church. When I was 12 or 13, a friend invited me to a Winter Solstice celebration at a UU church in SWMO, and I absolutely loved it. I decided then that if I ever moved to a town with a UU, I would definitely be attending. So our first weekend in town, I dragged my atheist then-fiance for a summer lay-led service. And it was AWESOME! So we've been going, and on December 6, 2013, we became full members. Go us!
Through the UU church, I've met some Pagans, and we're meeting on Imbolc (it just so happens to be pot-luck Sunday at the UU, so we're meeting over lunch) to discuss if it would be worth our while to create a group of sorts, and what that would mean/look like for us. So, I'm really excited! I started this blog when I was going through what I like to call my Christian phase. I was trying to blend Christianity and Paganity, because I wanted to be part of something greater than myself; I wanted community. I never found it in a Christian church. And while I can see Christopaganism working for someone else, it never did mesh well for me. Now, through the UU, I can have a Pagan community along with the larger UU community, all the while being true to myself and my beliefs without having to compromise.
I don't know where I'm going with this blog, if I'm going anywhere. I haven't been active in my faith for the last year, which is probably part of the reason I haven't been posting, along with my busy life outside of the Internet. But I am hoping to start exploring it more and practicing more, both on my own, as part of the (possible) Pagan group at church, and with my best friend here in COMO, who is also Pagan(ish). So this blog will hopefully be going places, telling the next chapters in this witch's story.
Showing posts with label pagan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pagan. Show all posts
12 January 2014
05 May 2010
Pagan-Friendly Children's Books
Now that my Tuesday nights are free and we are no longer running helter skelter from sunup to sundown, I've started taking Camden to the library once a week. And while the public library here in the 'Ville is pretty small, it has a large enough children's section. Plus it has games and puzzles and puppets (oh my!) to play with, even though we can't check them out. But we can check out books, and we do! We've been averaging about 7 or 8 books a week, so far. Of course, we read them all the first night and then they're old for the next six days, until Tuesday rolls around again.
Tuesday night we went to a BBQ with some friends, so although we went to the library, we didn't have a chance to read through all the books. (Darn.) But! We got to read through them last night! Camden picks out most of the books, usually randomly pulling them off the shelves and saying "I want this one" or some facsimile thereof. One of the books he picked out is called Hoodwinked by Arthur Howard and is about a witch (gasp!) who is looking for a pet (familiar, perchance?), but since she likes all things creepy, it must be a creepy pet. However, all the pets she tries just don't work out for one reason or another... Until one shows up at her doorstep, one that she's convinced she does not want, until she realises that this is the perfect pet.
As we read this, I started thinking about books for children with a Pagan message. Hoodwinked is a good example of a book that contains a message, if you're looking for a message. I know there are a few books out there geared specifically towards Pagan parents who are raising their children on a Pagan path, but I don't think I'm going to find those books in my public library. The only other book that I can think of off the top of my head which contains a Pagan message (if you're looking for one) is There's No Such Place As Far Away by Richard Bach, in which a person travels with various birds to visit Little Rae on her birthday to give her a present.
What books do you read to your children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews/random kids off the street which contain the subtle coloring of Pagan ideals and beliefs? If they are your children and you're raising them to the path, do you discuss the Pagan slant one could put on the book?
Tuesday night we went to a BBQ with some friends, so although we went to the library, we didn't have a chance to read through all the books. (Darn.) But! We got to read through them last night! Camden picks out most of the books, usually randomly pulling them off the shelves and saying "I want this one" or some facsimile thereof. One of the books he picked out is called Hoodwinked by Arthur Howard and is about a witch (gasp!) who is looking for a pet (familiar, perchance?), but since she likes all things creepy, it must be a creepy pet. However, all the pets she tries just don't work out for one reason or another... Until one shows up at her doorstep, one that she's convinced she does not want, until she realises that this is the perfect pet.
As we read this, I started thinking about books for children with a Pagan message. Hoodwinked is a good example of a book that contains a message, if you're looking for a message. I know there are a few books out there geared specifically towards Pagan parents who are raising their children on a Pagan path, but I don't think I'm going to find those books in my public library. The only other book that I can think of off the top of my head which contains a Pagan message (if you're looking for one) is There's No Such Place As Far Away by Richard Bach, in which a person travels with various birds to visit Little Rae on her birthday to give her a present.
What books do you read to your children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews/random kids off the street which contain the subtle coloring of Pagan ideals and beliefs? If they are your children and you're raising them to the path, do you discuss the Pagan slant one could put on the book?
24 March 2010
My own sense of style
Today, as I walked to history class with two friends, the subject of shoes came up. One friend owns, not kidding, at least 4 pairs of TOMS shoes. And while I like the idea of TOMS (for every pair of shoes you buy, TOMS donates a pair to 3rd world country village. Everyone needs shoes), I think they're ridiculously ugly. Sorry. Of course, this is coming from a person who wore moccasin slippers during most of high school, so maybe I'm not the judge of shoe-style. However, as I was saying that I don't like the shoes, my other friend piped up that I have my own sense of style and those shoes just don't lend themselves to it. I was really pleasantly surprised and pleased by her comment. Actually, now that I think about it, she comments on my clothes quite often. And while I don't dress for other people, it still makes me happy that there is at least one person who appreciates my (usually) thrift store clothes not as simply second-hand, but as awesome finds.
I also learned today that another friend's mom is Pagan. How neat is that? She saw my tattoo, said it was cool, and that her mom had a star like it. Now, this girl is very naive, so I thought maybe her mom had a star tattoo, and not a pentacle at all, so I ask if it's exactly like it. She goes, "Yeah, well, there are moons around it." So I think, no way, and ask if they're crescent moons as I draw in the air the maiden/crone crescents. My friend nods and says yes, so I decided to take the chance and ask if her mom was pagan. ... I wonder if my friend is?
Sorry, really random post. I just thought both of these events of the day were great counterpoint to the rest of the day, and they both made me smile.
Love
I also learned today that another friend's mom is Pagan. How neat is that? She saw my tattoo, said it was cool, and that her mom had a star like it. Now, this girl is very naive, so I thought maybe her mom had a star tattoo, and not a pentacle at all, so I ask if it's exactly like it. She goes, "Yeah, well, there are moons around it." So I think, no way, and ask if they're crescent moons as I draw in the air the maiden/crone crescents. My friend nods and says yes, so I decided to take the chance and ask if her mom was pagan. ... I wonder if my friend is?
Sorry, really random post. I just thought both of these events of the day were great counterpoint to the rest of the day, and they both made me smile.
Love
28 December 2009
my attempt
It's ironic that my being a Christian was a phase, when my parents were convinced that I would turn away from Paganism years ago. It's been a surprisingly short phase, too, since I only started considering myself a Christian in March or April. When I told my boyfriend (and later my mother) that it just wasn't working out, both asked me why and "what about it isn't working out?" And I couldn't come up with an answer. It's like trying to tell why you prefer one food or colour or hairstyle over another.
But this is my attempt:
As a Christian, I missed god. The Christian god is supposed to be personal, but I always felt disconnected from Him. Maybe because of the traditions and connotations that come along with Christianity. You talk to God in church. You worship God in church. You praise God in church. You talk about and learn about God... in church. Christianity, to me, feels like what I want to call a "building religion." Yes, congregations will still gather together if their church building is destroyed in a disaster, but that seems like the only time anyone ever espouses the notion that a church is the congregation and not the building.
As a Pagan, I see god in everything. I worship god at every step of the day, because the simple act of living is a way to praise the gods and give thanks. "All acts of love and pleasure are my ritual" as says the Charge of the Goddess. Observing nature becomes a way of observing god. As I watch the changing of the seasons, I see the life, death, and rebirth of the gods. When I see a new plant thrusting forth from the earth, I see the promise and gift of new life. God is not contained in a book. God is not contained in a building. The gods reveal themselves in all that is around us.
It seems I truly am a witch at heart. I tried very hard to be a Christian, and I very much wanted to be one. Even knowing there were other Christopagans wasn't enough to keep me bouyed in my journey. I still lack the words to explain why I chose Paganism over Christianity and even Christiopaganism. It's just... Paganism is what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with, it's what I believe. I don't have to compromise.
I know my mother is really disappointed in me, that I've "regressed" into my witchy self. Maybe she's geniunely upset by it. I don't know how my boyfriend feels... He hasn't said anything about it since I told him. I haven't told anyone else. Like I said in an earlier post, it's slightly embarrassing, because now I have to retract all those statements of "Hey, I'm a Christian now!" It's entirely possible that I could have continued on as a "Christian." But, I prefer honesty. I have to be true to myself. And I have to be true to the world.
But this is my attempt:
As a Christian, I missed god. The Christian god is supposed to be personal, but I always felt disconnected from Him. Maybe because of the traditions and connotations that come along with Christianity. You talk to God in church. You worship God in church. You praise God in church. You talk about and learn about God... in church. Christianity, to me, feels like what I want to call a "building religion." Yes, congregations will still gather together if their church building is destroyed in a disaster, but that seems like the only time anyone ever espouses the notion that a church is the congregation and not the building.
As a Pagan, I see god in everything. I worship god at every step of the day, because the simple act of living is a way to praise the gods and give thanks. "All acts of love and pleasure are my ritual" as says the Charge of the Goddess. Observing nature becomes a way of observing god. As I watch the changing of the seasons, I see the life, death, and rebirth of the gods. When I see a new plant thrusting forth from the earth, I see the promise and gift of new life. God is not contained in a book. God is not contained in a building. The gods reveal themselves in all that is around us.
It seems I truly am a witch at heart. I tried very hard to be a Christian, and I very much wanted to be one. Even knowing there were other Christopagans wasn't enough to keep me bouyed in my journey. I still lack the words to explain why I chose Paganism over Christianity and even Christiopaganism. It's just... Paganism is what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with, it's what I believe. I don't have to compromise.
I know my mother is really disappointed in me, that I've "regressed" into my witchy self. Maybe she's geniunely upset by it. I don't know how my boyfriend feels... He hasn't said anything about it since I told him. I haven't told anyone else. Like I said in an earlier post, it's slightly embarrassing, because now I have to retract all those statements of "Hey, I'm a Christian now!" It's entirely possible that I could have continued on as a "Christian." But, I prefer honesty. I have to be true to myself. And I have to be true to the world.
12 December 2009
Embarrassment
The other day a friend and I were running errands around town, and he commented on my choice of radio station. I've been listening to Spirit FM (contemporary Christian) since May/June, because I like the DJs and the music. But anyway, he said that he never imagined that I'd be listening to a Christian station, or even that I was a Christian. Now, this friend is really quite new. I only started talking to him this semester, and that day was the first time we'd talked longer than 10 minutes. So I'm not entirely sure where he was getting non-Christian vibes from.
Anyway (again), when he said that, I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I can't really crunch my spiritual beliefs and reasons for them into a tiny nutshell. It's not enough for me to say "Jesus was the son of God, came to Earth to die for our sins," because that doesn't fully encompass what I believe. It is part of it, but not all of it. I doubt I could crunch my spiritual beliefs into a single blog post--hence the blog devoted to this.
I ended up saying something like, "oh, yeah, well, I converted earlier this year, though I don't think most Christians would consider me a Christian." To be honest, I barely consider myself a Christian. I did, fully. I said I was fully Christian and fully Pagan. But as time goes on, I'm feeling less and less comfortable with the Christian label and ideals. I thought I could do it. It was easy to believe, when I was reading up on Christianity every day. Now, though, it just seem awkward for me. I think because I'm trying to bend my belief systems to make them work with each other, instead of either picking one and being happy, or just letting it happen naturally. However, if I were to let it happen naturally, I'm fairly certain I would go back to being "Pagan," but with a lot of Christian influences, instead of the "fully Pagan, fully Christian" I am now.
Does this mean I'm going to give up on being Christopagan? Honestly, I don't know. And I find that very disappointing. Do I have a right for being disappointed in myself that these beliefs I chose aren't working out? For being disappointed in myself for converting in the first place? It's amusing, really, that I started this blog to help cement my beliefs. So I'd have a place to cipher through things and find a firmer footing on what I believe in. But, the majority of blogs I follow belong to fellow Witches. Why? Well, because most of the Christian bloggers I've come across follow the very exclusive teachings that I find so distasteful.
I've always hated being proven wrong. And I've seen it posted in numerous places that one can't be Christian *and* Pagan. And, while I'm still convinced that it can work out for some, maybe it's just not for me. We'll see.
Anyway (again), when he said that, I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I can't really crunch my spiritual beliefs and reasons for them into a tiny nutshell. It's not enough for me to say "Jesus was the son of God, came to Earth to die for our sins," because that doesn't fully encompass what I believe. It is part of it, but not all of it. I doubt I could crunch my spiritual beliefs into a single blog post--hence the blog devoted to this.
I ended up saying something like, "oh, yeah, well, I converted earlier this year, though I don't think most Christians would consider me a Christian." To be honest, I barely consider myself a Christian. I did, fully. I said I was fully Christian and fully Pagan. But as time goes on, I'm feeling less and less comfortable with the Christian label and ideals. I thought I could do it. It was easy to believe, when I was reading up on Christianity every day. Now, though, it just seem awkward for me. I think because I'm trying to bend my belief systems to make them work with each other, instead of either picking one and being happy, or just letting it happen naturally. However, if I were to let it happen naturally, I'm fairly certain I would go back to being "Pagan," but with a lot of Christian influences, instead of the "fully Pagan, fully Christian" I am now.
Does this mean I'm going to give up on being Christopagan? Honestly, I don't know. And I find that very disappointing. Do I have a right for being disappointed in myself that these beliefs I chose aren't working out? For being disappointed in myself for converting in the first place? It's amusing, really, that I started this blog to help cement my beliefs. So I'd have a place to cipher through things and find a firmer footing on what I believe in. But, the majority of blogs I follow belong to fellow Witches. Why? Well, because most of the Christian bloggers I've come across follow the very exclusive teachings that I find so distasteful.
I've always hated being proven wrong. And I've seen it posted in numerous places that one can't be Christian *and* Pagan. And, while I'm still convinced that it can work out for some, maybe it's just not for me. We'll see.
23 October 2009
Balance
I am still trying to find my balance between Paganity (because I saw it written like that, and find it hilarious!) and Christianity. Sometimes I feel as though I identify as more of a Pagan, and other times, as more of a Christian. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find my balance, or if I'll be going from one end to the other. I identify fully as a Christopagan, I just tend to lean more one way than the other from time to time.
Last week I was inexplicably leaning towards the Christian side. This week I'm feeling the Pagan vibrations.
I blame the weather! The last two days have been beautiful fall weather. Cold, but not too cold, and raining! These following a gorgeous Indian Summer, which followed horrid wintery weather. I'm feeling very attuned to the earth and changing seasons, which just feels Witchy.
Mother Moon's views on god are: "sometimes my God is a she; a mother who holds me in her arms and gently sings me to sleep. Sometimes my God is a man; who helps me to see the folly of my ways and lends wisdom to help be once again walk the right path." This speaks very deeply to me. Mother the Comforter; Father the Protector. Is that what I'm feeling? Not necessarily one religion over the other, but the notion of god? Last week I needed a protector to guide me, this week I'm needing a comforter to hold me? I can see that.
So maybe it's not that I'm feeling like more of a Pagan than a Christian at the moment, but that my view of god, at the moment, is based more in my Pagan roots. Which brings up the question, I suppose, of isn't that still feeling more like a Pagan than a Christian. Many people view religion as "If you're this, then you're not that, and if you're that, then you're not this." Perhaps my mind is still in that format, if I'm trying to justify my Witchy tendencies. I have decided that I will label myself Christopagan, but perhaps I haven't decided whether that means a blending of the two, or both of them simultaneously.
Last week I was inexplicably leaning towards the Christian side. This week I'm feeling the Pagan vibrations.
I blame the weather! The last two days have been beautiful fall weather. Cold, but not too cold, and raining! These following a gorgeous Indian Summer, which followed horrid wintery weather. I'm feeling very attuned to the earth and changing seasons, which just feels Witchy.
Mother Moon's views on god are: "sometimes my God is a she; a mother who holds me in her arms and gently sings me to sleep. Sometimes my God is a man; who helps me to see the folly of my ways and lends wisdom to help be once again walk the right path." This speaks very deeply to me. Mother the Comforter; Father the Protector. Is that what I'm feeling? Not necessarily one religion over the other, but the notion of god? Last week I needed a protector to guide me, this week I'm needing a comforter to hold me? I can see that.
So maybe it's not that I'm feeling like more of a Pagan than a Christian at the moment, but that my view of god, at the moment, is based more in my Pagan roots. Which brings up the question, I suppose, of isn't that still feeling more like a Pagan than a Christian. Many people view religion as "If you're this, then you're not that, and if you're that, then you're not this." Perhaps my mind is still in that format, if I'm trying to justify my Witchy tendencies. I have decided that I will label myself Christopagan, but perhaps I haven't decided whether that means a blending of the two, or both of them simultaneously.
07 October 2009
Dream (post recovery)
I have to say, I love this dream that I had. The surreal feeling and, probably more so, the meaning I have attached to it.
I'm glad that I realised my well-being in religious terms is more important than making Dan (my boyfriend) happy. Just after I wrote this post was when I really started looking into Christopaganism (Christopaganity? lol), or looking for others who felt the same way I did. Those who felt like Christians and Witches/Pagans. I even found some. A blog or two, some websites, some groups on Yahoo! but most of these were talking about those coming from Christian backgrounds. I guess Christians want to be Witches more than Witches want to be Christians?
I still try to fit God into the Christian boundaries. Heavenly Father, God, He. Not Mother, Goddess, She, which are terms I used as an exclusive Pagan. On this blog I've been writing God/dess and S/He, which I will probably continue to use, but thinking about God, it is He, God. I worry sometimes about losing the Goddess, because if I don't think about god in terms of Goddess, it seems that nurturing quality is gone. The femininity is displaced. Christians live in such a small box, only once have I heard a Christian refer to God as Father and Mother, but for most others it is only God as Father. God couldn't possibly be Mother, too. For me, something is just innately wrong with that picture.
17-08-2009
When I was about thirteen, I had a dream where I was walking in the rain through the woods near my home towards a pond. As I neared the pond, I noticed a rather nondescript man in an overcoat, staring out over the water. I approached him, and he turned to me. He gave no greeting but stated, "it's raining."
"Yeah, I know" I told him.
"I'm going to go," he says, and begins to leave down a road. He's off the bank when he turns and asks, "Aren't you coming?"
"No," I say, "I'll just go back the way I came."
And the dream changes to a completely different plot-line. I actually had this dream a few times. I never knew what it meant, if it meant anything. Even now, I can only guess.
At that time, I was converting to Wicca. I either already had, or would soon after. I can't exactly remember. Looking back, I see the man in my dream as Jesus. I turned from Him, and chose to go my own way. And He was okay with it.
I bring this up, because it's raining today. And I was out walking in the rain, and it reminded me of this dream. The rain, a surreal feeling, it was very similar to how the dream felt those eight or nine years ago. And I couldn't help but wonder where and who I would be if I chose to follow that man all those years ago.
Christianity as most churches teach it is not a perfect fit for me. It's barely even a fit. I cannot believe in a God who is love eternal, who damns all to Hell for not accepting Him. I cannot believe that the people of Islam or Hinduism or Paganism are anymore likely to be spending eternity in Hell than their Christian brothers and sisters.
I feel so disconnected from god. There are so many stereotypes and such in this religion that I feel lost. I did this for Dan. No, I did this for myself, so that I could experience the happiness and love I knew I would have with Dan. And I have that, but at what cost? I've abandoned the gods and myths and stories and magics that I loved for a god I can't relate to. For a god who makes me feel as though I have to prove my worth. For a god who I cannot see in nature.
But... It's not the god I have a problem with, for I knew God as a witch and loved him. Though I called Him Goddess, and saw Her in all that I did and all that I saw. It's not the God, it's the religion. I can't talk to anyone about my religion, without being named a doubter, a sinner, a witch. I would like to talk about it with Dan, but he still believes so differently than do I.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a liar, wearing a Christian facade over my Witchy interior. If I reject Christianity, then I lose the man I love. But if I reject my nature as a Witch, then I lose myself. I believe I could combine them, be a witch and still accept Jesus... But I fear that path would also lead to me losing the man I love. And if I do it and don't tell him, then I am lying to him.
I'm glad that I realised my well-being in religious terms is more important than making Dan (my boyfriend) happy. Just after I wrote this post was when I really started looking into Christopaganism (Christopaganity? lol), or looking for others who felt the same way I did. Those who felt like Christians and Witches/Pagans. I even found some. A blog or two, some websites, some groups on Yahoo! but most of these were talking about those coming from Christian backgrounds. I guess Christians want to be Witches more than Witches want to be Christians?
I still try to fit God into the Christian boundaries. Heavenly Father, God, He. Not Mother, Goddess, She, which are terms I used as an exclusive Pagan. On this blog I've been writing God/dess and S/He, which I will probably continue to use, but thinking about God, it is He, God. I worry sometimes about losing the Goddess, because if I don't think about god in terms of Goddess, it seems that nurturing quality is gone. The femininity is displaced. Christians live in such a small box, only once have I heard a Christian refer to God as Father and Mother, but for most others it is only God as Father. God couldn't possibly be Mother, too. For me, something is just innately wrong with that picture.
17-08-2009
When I was about thirteen, I had a dream where I was walking in the rain through the woods near my home towards a pond. As I neared the pond, I noticed a rather nondescript man in an overcoat, staring out over the water. I approached him, and he turned to me. He gave no greeting but stated, "it's raining."
"Yeah, I know" I told him.
"I'm going to go," he says, and begins to leave down a road. He's off the bank when he turns and asks, "Aren't you coming?"
"No," I say, "I'll just go back the way I came."
And the dream changes to a completely different plot-line. I actually had this dream a few times. I never knew what it meant, if it meant anything. Even now, I can only guess.
At that time, I was converting to Wicca. I either already had, or would soon after. I can't exactly remember. Looking back, I see the man in my dream as Jesus. I turned from Him, and chose to go my own way. And He was okay with it.
I bring this up, because it's raining today. And I was out walking in the rain, and it reminded me of this dream. The rain, a surreal feeling, it was very similar to how the dream felt those eight or nine years ago. And I couldn't help but wonder where and who I would be if I chose to follow that man all those years ago.
Christianity as most churches teach it is not a perfect fit for me. It's barely even a fit. I cannot believe in a God who is love eternal, who damns all to Hell for not accepting Him. I cannot believe that the people of Islam or Hinduism or Paganism are anymore likely to be spending eternity in Hell than their Christian brothers and sisters.
I feel so disconnected from god. There are so many stereotypes and such in this religion that I feel lost. I did this for Dan. No, I did this for myself, so that I could experience the happiness and love I knew I would have with Dan. And I have that, but at what cost? I've abandoned the gods and myths and stories and magics that I loved for a god I can't relate to. For a god who makes me feel as though I have to prove my worth. For a god who I cannot see in nature.
But... It's not the god I have a problem with, for I knew God as a witch and loved him. Though I called Him Goddess, and saw Her in all that I did and all that I saw. It's not the God, it's the religion. I can't talk to anyone about my religion, without being named a doubter, a sinner, a witch. I would like to talk about it with Dan, but he still believes so differently than do I.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a liar, wearing a Christian facade over my Witchy interior. If I reject Christianity, then I lose the man I love. But if I reject my nature as a Witch, then I lose myself. I believe I could combine them, be a witch and still accept Jesus... But I fear that path would also lead to me losing the man I love. And if I do it and don't tell him, then I am lying to him.
06 October 2009
Jumbly thoughts (Post recovery)
This is quite the interesting post! It really is just a jumble of my thoughts on the subject, when I'm still fairly green to the idea of Christianity. I can see my feet starting to turn down the conjoined path of a Christopagan. "I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible."
I also raise some (pretty good, in my opinion!) questions about the nature of Heaven and afterlife. Before I believed that we just kind of hang out in Summerland (or wherever) until we choose to be reborn. That we choose to be reborn, not to correct past indiscretions or even to learn (reaching Nirvana), but because of our love of life, our love of living. Christian heaven is where we spend eternity with God. But doing what? Are we just zombies on that plane, because, really, what is there to do?! At the moment (for a long while, really), my view of the afterlife is based on the book and movie What Dreams May Come. More on this later!
I also go into pantheism. Not all pagans are pantheist; many probably don't even know what it means. But I was/am. God/dess exists fully in everything, and yet S/He is still separate and apart from everything. One of those contradictions all religions are so fond of. I see science and reason as the revealing of God/dess. A scavenger hunt, I called it in this post. Every thing we discover about our natural world takes us one step closer to discovering God/dess, and that makes seeking intelligence holy.
16-04-2009
I am unsure where I am in my life and where I am headed. I don't know what I believe. I know what I want to believe, but I'm not sure that I can without changing it into something else. Something more like me. I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible. Life is messy and messy is supposedly fun. And my contradictions are most definitely messy and most definitely not fun. I feel God, the Ultimate Supreme Being, when I'm in church. No, when I'm in Dan's church. I didn't feel Him at Dad's. I still hold a pantheistic world view. As a Christian. Hah! But God isn't some, no, God CAN'T be some separate person. God is within us all. Within everything. The Holy Spirit, if you will. I have a chunk of God within me, yet it's more than that. God is infinite, and in His infinity, He is within me. I don't have just a chunk of God, but ALL of God. All of God is in you, and the next person and the next. Even non-believers. Even Eric, who chooses science/reason as victors in this battle between two ideals that go hand in hand. Science and reason simply reveal to us God's plans. For thousands of years, people didn't know enough about how things worked to understand evolution. Now we do. We discover God in everything we do. It's like a scavenger hunt! How much can we discover about this world of His, of ours, before we leave it? Does he send us back to learn more? Do I have to stay in Heaven for eternity? What is there to do? It has been my suffering which has made me the person I am, the person I love. There is no suffering in heaven, no trials, no sadness, no pain. So... What's the point? It is these things that create the fulfillment of life. Shouldn't my afterlife be just as fulfilling? Moreso even?
I know this is rambly and not well-thought-out at all. Didn't really have a plan coming into it. So it's just my thoughts, I suppose... So many thoughts just tumbling around. It's no wonder I'm confused. ^.^
I also raise some (pretty good, in my opinion!) questions about the nature of Heaven and afterlife. Before I believed that we just kind of hang out in Summerland (or wherever) until we choose to be reborn. That we choose to be reborn, not to correct past indiscretions or even to learn (reaching Nirvana), but because of our love of life, our love of living. Christian heaven is where we spend eternity with God. But doing what? Are we just zombies on that plane, because, really, what is there to do?! At the moment (for a long while, really), my view of the afterlife is based on the book and movie What Dreams May Come. More on this later!
I also go into pantheism. Not all pagans are pantheist; many probably don't even know what it means. But I was/am. God/dess exists fully in everything, and yet S/He is still separate and apart from everything. One of those contradictions all religions are so fond of. I see science and reason as the revealing of God/dess. A scavenger hunt, I called it in this post. Every thing we discover about our natural world takes us one step closer to discovering God/dess, and that makes seeking intelligence holy.
16-04-2009
I am unsure where I am in my life and where I am headed. I don't know what I believe. I know what I want to believe, but I'm not sure that I can without changing it into something else. Something more like me. I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible. Life is messy and messy is supposedly fun. And my contradictions are most definitely messy and most definitely not fun. I feel God, the Ultimate Supreme Being, when I'm in church. No, when I'm in Dan's church. I didn't feel Him at Dad's. I still hold a pantheistic world view. As a Christian. Hah! But God isn't some, no, God CAN'T be some separate person. God is within us all. Within everything. The Holy Spirit, if you will. I have a chunk of God within me, yet it's more than that. God is infinite, and in His infinity, He is within me. I don't have just a chunk of God, but ALL of God. All of God is in you, and the next person and the next. Even non-believers. Even Eric, who chooses science/reason as victors in this battle between two ideals that go hand in hand. Science and reason simply reveal to us God's plans. For thousands of years, people didn't know enough about how things worked to understand evolution. Now we do. We discover God in everything we do. It's like a scavenger hunt! How much can we discover about this world of His, of ours, before we leave it? Does he send us back to learn more? Do I have to stay in Heaven for eternity? What is there to do? It has been my suffering which has made me the person I am, the person I love. There is no suffering in heaven, no trials, no sadness, no pain. So... What's the point? It is these things that create the fulfillment of life. Shouldn't my afterlife be just as fulfilling? Moreso even?
I know this is rambly and not well-thought-out at all. Didn't really have a plan coming into it. So it's just my thoughts, I suppose... So many thoughts just tumbling around. It's no wonder I'm confused. ^.^
04 October 2009
Progressive
In my search for a "brand" of Christianity that I could fit into, I found instead a movement that spoke to me: progressive Christianity. It is a very accepting movement, one with people who realise that the path of Yeshua is not necessarily for everyone. That Christ's supper should be shared with all, not simply believers (or, like some churches, only members of that church/denomination). I love this movement, because I know that these progressive Christians would accept me as a Witch or as a Christian. I don't know that they'll accept me as a Christopagan, but I've come to the point where I realize my religious choices are ultimately between myself and God(dess). Being a Witch/Pagan allows me to feel closer to God than being a Christian alone. I have so many ideas and assumptions associated with what it means to be a Christian; embracing a Pagan world-view allows me to look beyond those assumptions and embrace the Divine. It allows me to look beyond the judgment and hostility I've felt from the Christian community and into the eyes of God to see the future S/He's set before me.
I embraced the progressive Christian movement, because it was the most liberal idea of Christianity I could find. It allowed me to embrace that witchy side of myself (subconsciously.) Now that I am identifying as a Christopagan, and fully embracing both the "Christian" and "Pagan" parts of myself, I still fully agree with the Eight Points of the progressive movement (especially the 6th!) I am now, obviously, a Christian out loud as well as in my heart.
31-3-09
"I am a Christian who has found an approach to God through the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.
I am a Christian who recognizes the faithfulness of other people who have other names for the way to God's realm, and acknowledge that their ways are true for them, as my way is true for me.
I am a Christian who understands the sharing of bread and wine in Jesus' name to be a representation of an ancient vision of God's feast for all peoples.
I am a Christian who invites all people to participate in my community and worship life without insisting that they become like me in order to be acceptable
I am a Christian who knows that the way I behave toward other people is the fullest expression of what I believe.
I am a Christian who who finds more grace in the search for meaning than in absolute certainty, in the questions than in the answers.
I am a Christian who believes in communities dedicated to equipping one another for the work we feel called to do: striving for peace and justice among all people, protecting and restoring the integrity of all God's creation, and bringing hope to those Jesus called the least of his sisters and brothers.
I am a Christian who recognizes that being a follower of Jesus is costly, and entails selfless love, conscientious resistance to evil, and renunciation of privilege."
I am a Christian, in my heart if not out loud.
I embraced the progressive Christian movement, because it was the most liberal idea of Christianity I could find. It allowed me to embrace that witchy side of myself (subconsciously.) Now that I am identifying as a Christopagan, and fully embracing both the "Christian" and "Pagan" parts of myself, I still fully agree with the Eight Points of the progressive movement (especially the 6th!) I am now, obviously, a Christian out loud as well as in my heart.
31-3-09
"I am a Christian who has found an approach to God through the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.
I am a Christian who recognizes the faithfulness of other people who have other names for the way to God's realm, and acknowledge that their ways are true for them, as my way is true for me.
I am a Christian who understands the sharing of bread and wine in Jesus' name to be a representation of an ancient vision of God's feast for all peoples.
I am a Christian who invites all people to participate in my community and worship life without insisting that they become like me in order to be acceptable
I am a Christian who knows that the way I behave toward other people is the fullest expression of what I believe.
I am a Christian who who finds more grace in the search for meaning than in absolute certainty, in the questions than in the answers.
I am a Christian who believes in communities dedicated to equipping one another for the work we feel called to do: striving for peace and justice among all people, protecting and restoring the integrity of all God's creation, and bringing hope to those Jesus called the least of his sisters and brothers.
I am a Christian who recognizes that being a follower of Jesus is costly, and entails selfless love, conscientious resistance to evil, and renunciation of privilege."
I am a Christian, in my heart if not out loud.
01 October 2009
How far I've come (post recovery)
It's so interesting for me to read through these posts from earlier in the year, and just see the evolution of my beliefs. I don't have this from when I first converted to Wicca, and I think it would be a fantastic read if I did. Except for the fact that I was thirteen. ^_^ Anyway, about this entry:
I said I was firmly rooted in the Christian faith, but I just didn't see the world in the usual Christian way. Maybe because I was looking through the eyes of a Witch? I didn't realise at that point that I can be both a Christian and a Pagan and fully embrace both. I think my biggest mistake in all of this was thinking that my values had to change, just because I adopted a few beliefs.
28-03-2009
I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself as well as finding a part of myself. It's an odd feeling. I'm losing my connection to nature, to the world. Someone said (don't know who, don't know where... Maybe the tower?) that it doesn't matter how you find God, be it in a church, in your home, or in a field, what matters is that you find Him. But, honestly, I still feel as though I'd already found God. I found the One who breathed life in to the nothingness, and I followed the One with love in my heart, love for Him/Her, love for me, love for my fellow journeymen, and love for my journey and the path I was taking.
I guess the real dilemma is that I'm trying to just adopt Jesus Christ into this relationship. And I WANT to. But I'm afraid everything I've known to be true will be said to be false. Is it blasphemous that I believe God is everyone's God? That He sets on the course we are to follow? And if that path doesn't meet up with Jesus Christ, then it's okay, He still loves his children.
As a Christian, I accept that Jesus Christ was sent to Earth by God to sacrifice himself for our sins, so that we may be forgiven and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But from what I know, this isn't the only way to get into Heaven. What about those who perished before Jesus came? Are they in Hell now? Those before the Jewish people? The first homo sapiens who had not yet developed religion? Which brings up another question for me: Can I truly believe in a religion, any religion, knowing that it's something humans created? (Maybe inspired to create? Hrm...)
Dan wants to hook me up with his pastor, so I can talk to him. And on one hand, I love the idea! But on the other hand, I know that I have so many ideas that aren't exactly agreeable with the Christian doctrine. Such as my journey as a Witch being in God's plans for me. :p
They say it's Grace that saves a person. Not believing in Jesus, not asking for forgiveness, not going to church every Sunday and Wednesday and holiday. It's by the Grace of God that we're saved. He loves us so much, that it doesn't matter we're flawed, or maybe it's because of our flaws He loves us. Does it really matter to Him that some of His children call him by a different name and worship Him through different rituals, as long as they're doing the best they can?
I don't see myself going back to being Pagan. I feel firmly rooted in the Christian faith. But the way I see the world is not the usual Christian way. Where I stand on many issues is not where most Christians stand. ...Does that mean I can't be a Christian? Does that mean I'm not a true Christian?
I choose to love God in my own way. If that's not the way this church or that church says it's how I should love him, does it really make me wrong?
I said I was firmly rooted in the Christian faith, but I just didn't see the world in the usual Christian way. Maybe because I was looking through the eyes of a Witch? I didn't realise at that point that I can be both a Christian and a Pagan and fully embrace both. I think my biggest mistake in all of this was thinking that my values had to change, just because I adopted a few beliefs.
28-03-2009
I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself as well as finding a part of myself. It's an odd feeling. I'm losing my connection to nature, to the world. Someone said (don't know who, don't know where... Maybe the tower?) that it doesn't matter how you find God, be it in a church, in your home, or in a field, what matters is that you find Him. But, honestly, I still feel as though I'd already found God. I found the One who breathed life in to the nothingness, and I followed the One with love in my heart, love for Him/Her, love for me, love for my fellow journeymen, and love for my journey and the path I was taking.
I guess the real dilemma is that I'm trying to just adopt Jesus Christ into this relationship. And I WANT to. But I'm afraid everything I've known to be true will be said to be false. Is it blasphemous that I believe God is everyone's God? That He sets on the course we are to follow? And if that path doesn't meet up with Jesus Christ, then it's okay, He still loves his children.
As a Christian, I accept that Jesus Christ was sent to Earth by God to sacrifice himself for our sins, so that we may be forgiven and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But from what I know, this isn't the only way to get into Heaven. What about those who perished before Jesus came? Are they in Hell now? Those before the Jewish people? The first homo sapiens who had not yet developed religion? Which brings up another question for me: Can I truly believe in a religion, any religion, knowing that it's something humans created? (Maybe inspired to create? Hrm...)
Dan wants to hook me up with his pastor, so I can talk to him. And on one hand, I love the idea! But on the other hand, I know that I have so many ideas that aren't exactly agreeable with the Christian doctrine. Such as my journey as a Witch being in God's plans for me. :p
They say it's Grace that saves a person. Not believing in Jesus, not asking for forgiveness, not going to church every Sunday and Wednesday and holiday. It's by the Grace of God that we're saved. He loves us so much, that it doesn't matter we're flawed, or maybe it's because of our flaws He loves us. Does it really matter to Him that some of His children call him by a different name and worship Him through different rituals, as long as they're doing the best they can?
I don't see myself going back to being Pagan. I feel firmly rooted in the Christian faith. But the way I see the world is not the usual Christian way. Where I stand on many issues is not where most Christians stand. ...Does that mean I can't be a Christian? Does that mean I'm not a true Christian?
I choose to love God in my own way. If that's not the way this church or that church says it's how I should love him, does it really make me wrong?
Excitement (post recovery)
I feel somewhat bad that I'm not really posting new (to me) stuff, but I think it is important that you, my reader, know where I'm coming from. It's taken me six months to come to a comfortable combination of Christianity and Paganism, but I still find it amazing how quickly I was able to convert to Christianity, if not the "Christian" world-view. Yes, I think I was converting to help develop my relationship with Dan, but now I don't think that matters because I truly believe in Christianity--in my own way. I'm not sure if it's Christianity with a dash of Paganism or Paganism with a dash of Christianity, but either way, it is what it is.
24-03-2009
I am as excited about Christianity today as I was about Wicca nine years ago. I've defined myself and my thinking as Pagan for so long now, that it is odd to find myself a Christian. I'm amazed I can accept Jesus into my heart, after denying Him and His teachings. But, his teachings are the same as what the Goddess taught me. I don't know that I can truly call myself a Christian, because I still believe the Christian God (my God!) is the same as the Goddess I've been following. He just knew he had to show me a different side of Himself, knowing I would come back. (Or maybe I'm just making things up... But that is how I feel)
24-03-2009
I am as excited about Christianity today as I was about Wicca nine years ago. I've defined myself and my thinking as Pagan for so long now, that it is odd to find myself a Christian. I'm amazed I can accept Jesus into my heart, after denying Him and His teachings. But, his teachings are the same as what the Goddess taught me. I don't know that I can truly call myself a Christian, because I still believe the Christian God (my God!) is the same as the Goddess I've been following. He just knew he had to show me a different side of Himself, knowing I would come back. (Or maybe I'm just making things up... But that is how I feel)
28 September 2009
First post!
While this blog is just starting out, I'm not new to the blogging world. Well, that's not really true, I guess! I've had an online journal for about three years and though I'd like to call it a blog, its not. Just a diary, really. But I'm going through some spiritual transformations that I'd like to share apart from my regular journal.
So a little back history on me:
I lost the little faith I had in Jesus Christ and the Christian God when I was eight. My dad had been in a car accident and was charged with vehicular manslaughter. I asked God to keep him out of prison. No answer. Four or five years later I began researching different religions and found Wicca. I identified as a Wiccan for many years before deciding to label myself as a Pagan.
At twenty I was very strong in my Pagan faith. I began sleeping with a friend of mine, not planning anything to come of it, but, alas, feelings developed. Only one problem: he was a Christian and told me he couldn't date a non-Christian. Have amazing sex with a non-Christian, yes, but be involved in a serious relationship, no. So in April, I decided to give Christianity a shot. And found, to my surprise, that I rather liked it. I love being able to worship with other people, singing praises to God, and the feeling of community a church offered. (I had never found a coven or even a fellow Pagan in my area.)
So I converted! It took about a month as a Christian to realise it wasn't quite working out the way I'd hoped. I missed the feminine aspect of God (Goddess). I missed the holidays I'd fallen in love with and come to know in the past nine years as a Pagan. I wanted those back. But... I also fully enjoyed church and walking with Jesus.
So my search for my true path was on! I found out that other people were having these same issues, though usually they were Christians coming to Paganism and not the other way around!! The term Christopagan took form in my head and hasn't really left since that moment.
So in essence, Witch in Church is about my journey as a Christopagan. My finding Yeshua as a Pagan, but doing more than just accepting Him into my pantheon.
Over the next few days, I'll move posts over from my journal/blog that are about my finding my path.
So a little back history on me:
I lost the little faith I had in Jesus Christ and the Christian God when I was eight. My dad had been in a car accident and was charged with vehicular manslaughter. I asked God to keep him out of prison. No answer. Four or five years later I began researching different religions and found Wicca. I identified as a Wiccan for many years before deciding to label myself as a Pagan.
At twenty I was very strong in my Pagan faith. I began sleeping with a friend of mine, not planning anything to come of it, but, alas, feelings developed. Only one problem: he was a Christian and told me he couldn't date a non-Christian. Have amazing sex with a non-Christian, yes, but be involved in a serious relationship, no. So in April, I decided to give Christianity a shot. And found, to my surprise, that I rather liked it. I love being able to worship with other people, singing praises to God, and the feeling of community a church offered. (I had never found a coven or even a fellow Pagan in my area.)
So I converted! It took about a month as a Christian to realise it wasn't quite working out the way I'd hoped. I missed the feminine aspect of God (Goddess). I missed the holidays I'd fallen in love with and come to know in the past nine years as a Pagan. I wanted those back. But... I also fully enjoyed church and walking with Jesus.
So my search for my true path was on! I found out that other people were having these same issues, though usually they were Christians coming to Paganism and not the other way around!! The term Christopagan took form in my head and hasn't really left since that moment.
So in essence, Witch in Church is about my journey as a Christopagan. My finding Yeshua as a Pagan, but doing more than just accepting Him into my pantheon.
Over the next few days, I'll move posts over from my journal/blog that are about my finding my path.
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