back for more?

I cannot believe that it's been over a year since I posted here.  I kept meaning to come back and give updates, but I just never found the time.  When I last posted, I was finishing up my last semester of classes in Grad school, then spent a semester student teaching/writing a research paper/trying to find a job.  Last summer, we moved to Columbia, Missouri, I got married to my wonderful (and, at times, wonderfully annoying) man (his name is Matt), and I started working as a substitute teacher. We've made some awesome friends and had some awesome experiences so far.

One of my favorite things about COMO is  the Unitarian Universalist church.  When I was 12 or 13, a friend invited me to a Winter Solstice celebration at a UU church in SWMO, and I absolutely loved it.  I decided then that if I ever moved to a town with a UU, I would definitely be attending.  So our first weekend in town, I dragged my atheist then-fiance for a summer lay-led service.  And it was AWESOME!  So we've been going, and on December 6, 2013, we became full members. Go us!

Through the UU church, I've met some Pagans, and we're meeting on Imbolc (it just so happens to be pot-luck Sunday at the UU, so we're meeting over lunch) to discuss if it would be worth our while to create a group of sorts, and what that would mean/look like for us.  So, I'm really excited!  I started this blog when I was going through what I like to call my Christian phase.  I was trying to blend Christianity and Paganity, because I wanted to be part of something greater than myself; I wanted community.  I never found it in a Christian church.  And while I can see Christopaganism working for someone else, it never did mesh well for me.  Now, through the UU, I can have a Pagan community along with the larger UU community, all the while being true to myself and my beliefs without having to compromise.

I don't know where I'm going with this blog, if I'm going anywhere.  I haven't been active in my faith for the last year, which is probably part of the reason I haven't been posting, along with my busy life outside of the Internet.  But I am hoping to start exploring it more and practicing more, both on my own, as part of the (possible) Pagan group at church, and with my best friend here in COMO, who is also Pagan(ish).  So this blog will hopefully be going places, telling the next chapters in this witch's story.

Recital

Whelp... My recital is finally over with. Just in time, too. It went really well. My wrists held up for it (thank goodness, I think if it had been any colder they might not have) and I didn't get as nervous as I usually do. Typically, when I go to play for an audience, I get shaky and my legs tremble. My first piece, I had some trembling in my legs, but worked through it (and luckily my hands never shook). My third piece was a duet that I played with a friend, which went really really well. We didn't have any guidance on it, except for a few comments one time from our studio professor, so it's nice to know that we can throw together music and have it turn out really well. And my last piece was another marimba piece, which didn't go nearly as well as I had hoped or expected, but I'm okay with that (mostly).

On to pictures!


I did my recital with my friend Bob, who plays tuba. He ordered the cake, asking for it to say "Congratulations Sydnii and Bob" and the bakery asked if they could decorate it. (I'm assuming they were looking to practice, since they didn't charge.) Anyway, this is what we ended up with, a cake that we have jokingly named our "engagement cake."


Picture of myself and my high school (and college!) friend Cody playing our duet. I really wanted to do a duet on my recital, and I'm glad that Cody, who've I've known since he was a freshman in high school, was willing to help me out.


Playing some marimba.


Playing some more marimba, and looking fierce

My own sense of style

Today, as I walked to history class with two friends, the subject of shoes came up. One friend owns, not kidding, at least 4 pairs of TOMS shoes. And while I like the idea of TOMS (for every pair of shoes you buy, TOMS donates a pair to 3rd world country village. Everyone needs shoes), I think they're ridiculously ugly. Sorry. Of course, this is coming from a person who wore moccasin slippers during most of high school, so maybe I'm not the judge of shoe-style. However, as I was saying that I don't like the shoes, my other friend piped up that I have my own sense of style and those shoes just don't lend themselves to it. I was really pleasantly surprised and pleased by her comment. Actually, now that I think about it, she comments on my clothes quite often. And while I don't dress for other people, it still makes me happy that there is at least one person who appreciates my (usually) thrift store clothes not as simply second-hand, but as awesome finds.

I also learned today that another friend's mom is Pagan. How neat is that? She saw my tattoo, said it was cool, and that her mom had a star like it. Now, this girl is very naive, so I thought maybe her mom had a star tattoo, and not a pentacle at all, so I ask if it's exactly like it. She goes, "Yeah, well, there are moons around it." So I think, no way, and ask if they're crescent moons as I draw in the air the maiden/crone crescents. My friend nods and says yes, so I decided to take the chance and ask if her mom was pagan. ... I wonder if my friend is?

Sorry, really random post. I just thought both of these events of the day were great counterpoint to the rest of the day, and they both made me smile.

Love

Embarrassment

The other day a friend and I were running errands around town, and he commented on my choice of radio station. I've been listening to Spirit FM (contemporary Christian) since May/June, because I like the DJs and the music. But anyway, he said that he never imagined that I'd be listening to a Christian station, or even that I was a Christian. Now, this friend is really quite new. I only started talking to him this semester, and that day was the first time we'd talked longer than 10 minutes. So I'm not entirely sure where he was getting non-Christian vibes from.

Anyway (again), when he said that, I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I can't really crunch my spiritual beliefs and reasons for them into a tiny nutshell. It's not enough for me to say "Jesus was the son of God, came to Earth to die for our sins," because that doesn't fully encompass what I believe. It is part of it, but not all of it. I doubt I could crunch my spiritual beliefs into a single blog post--hence the blog devoted to this.

I ended up saying something like, "oh, yeah, well, I converted earlier this year, though I don't think most Christians would consider me a Christian." To be honest, I barely consider myself a Christian. I did, fully. I said I was fully Christian and fully Pagan. But as time goes on, I'm feeling less and less comfortable with the Christian label and ideals. I thought I could do it. It was easy to believe, when I was reading up on Christianity every day. Now, though, it just seem awkward for me. I think because I'm trying to bend my belief systems to make them work with each other, instead of either picking one and being happy, or just letting it happen naturally. However, if I were to let it happen naturally, I'm fairly certain I would go back to being "Pagan," but with a lot of Christian influences, instead of the "fully Pagan, fully Christian" I am now.

Does this mean I'm going to give up on being Christopagan? Honestly, I don't know. And I find that very disappointing. Do I have a right for being disappointed in myself that these beliefs I chose aren't working out? For being disappointed in myself for converting in the first place? It's amusing, really, that I started this blog to help cement my beliefs. So I'd have a place to cipher through things and find a firmer footing on what I believe in. But, the majority of blogs I follow belong to fellow Witches. Why? Well, because most of the Christian bloggers I've come across follow the very exclusive teachings that I find so distasteful.

I've always hated being proven wrong. And I've seen it posted in numerous places that one can't be Christian *and* Pagan. And, while I'm still convinced that it can work out for some, maybe it's just not for me. We'll see.