pantheist? non-theist? atheist?

"But as I continue developing my spiritual practice, the feelings it evokes reminds me that I am engaging in this ritual, in this reverence, for the very reason that I am not entirely an atheist. For me, I feel the Cosmos to be divine. I feel a divinity in its mystery, its vastness, its connectedness, in the very fact of its being. But I have yet to define for myself what this concept of the divine really means for me – and if the reverence and connectedness I feel can be called theism of any kind." Áine W., The Spinning of the Wheel

For such a long time I've identified with the term pantheism.  If you don't know, pantheism is the idea that the Divine is in everything, everything is Divine.  God or Deity or Whomever can be found in rocks, trees, stars, plastics, buildings, shoes.  Everything.  So I always said I was a pantheist.  Or I thought it, at the very least.  God, for me, was never personal, which is a large part of why I didn't continue with Christopaganism, or whatever I may have been calling it at the start of this blog.  The Christian god is supposed to be personal. And even in Paganism, with polytheism abound, choosing pantheons or choosing fitting gods from one culture or another always seemed like a large part of celebrating the Divine.  Gods have personalities; it makes them personable.  

But I never felt that.  Praying to Gaia felt no different than praying to Cernunnos. So when I stumbled across this term, pantheism, I ran with it.  It was awesome.  I felt... comfortable with the Divine, although I think the word comfortable is wrong here.  It felt sensible to me, at any rate.

As the years went by and I stepped away from the Pagan path (not to any other particular path except maybe secularism), I began losing pantheism.  It became muddied in my mind.  I would laughingly joke that I was an atheist pagan because god, for me, was all and nothing at the same time.  Could I really claim to be a pagan if my view of god was so broad that I lost any sense of the divine?  

I always hated trying to define my beliefs, because it always came down to, "Well, I'm a Pagan... kinda.  Maybe I'm an atheist... but not really.  It's complicated."  And it is complicated. Like Áine, in the quote above, I am still hammering out my definition of what god is and means to me.  It's something I'll probably still be hammering away at when I am on my deathbed, if I am still lucid.  But I like what Áine says, that the divinity of existence is in its vastness and (inter)connectedness.  

So. Pantheist? Non-theist? Atheist?

I'm a Pagan, and I view god through pantheist eyes.  God is the energy that moves the universe and moves through the universe.  God is impersonal, despite the fact that I sometimes give it a face and a name for my own comfort.  I feel the Divine whether I am lighting incense and saying a prayer, cleaning a stream, or hugging a tree, because the Divine is in all there is.  The Wiccan Goddess saying "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals" describes my view of god, because the energy moving through the universe is love and acts of love bring us closer to experiencing the Divine.

Little pick-me-ups

I like to do things for myself that make me smile. Generally these things are a bit more, and a bit less, than buying myself a candy bar.

I don't have a printer at home. So when I need something printed, say a paper or some music I've been working on, I'll email the file to myself and print it at school. (Yes, I have a junk drive. Sometimes, though, I can't find it or I think I'll forget it, as I seem to do quite often, so I email. Much safer!) Anyway, it's really boring getting an email from yourself that contains nothing but a file to download. So I write to myself. lol Nothing too in depth or lengthy, because I know how my day is going/has gone. But always a little note that says something along the lines of:

You're beautiful.

Have a wonderful day!

You're better than you think you are.

Smile, because it makes you about ten times as lovely.

You're well on your way to making your dreams come true.

While I generally know what my email is going to say (sometimes, I do forget!) it's still nice. I tell myself these things because they make me smile, and they make me feel good. I also have a habit of telling these things/similar things to my friends or other people that I know well enough to talk to.

So, dear readers. How do you brighten your day? How do you brighten the day of others?

Yardsale!

Hi, my name is Sydnii, and I'm a yardsale addict.

And I just so happened to come across a HUGE one yesterday. It was actually more of a rummage sale, but that's only if you're being nit-picky. I'm glad I stopped by. I found two flower pots (because I really needed some /sarcasm), a skirt, a cute summer dress, some candle plates, a book for Camden, and an audio book for Camden when he's a bit older (it would be awesome if I could find the print version for him, too.)

And, why, exactly, am I blogging about the yardsale I found? Well, because it was sponsored by a pro-life group. And I am vehemently pro-choice. So from the time I heard about the sale (about Wednesday night thanks to a local Yahoo group I'm a member of) to the time I actually decided to go, I did a lot of flip-flopping on the decision of whether I should go or not. Because, as woman who believes in having control over her body, wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to give my money to a group who, in general, prefers to disallow women to make their own choices?

No. I don't think so. Because I remembered back to four years ago, when I *ahem* made the choice to be a mother. During my pregnancy, I went to a pregnancy support center once a week to take "pregnancy/parenting" classes. I got points for various things, usually "homework," which I got to then spend in their store area, which had baby clothes, blankets, maternity clothes, etc. It was really an invaluable resource for me during that time. And after I had Camden, I often donated his old clothes to the center. The support center was very pro-life. And yet they still helped me, if only because I chose to be a mother.

I like to imagine that the money I spent at this yard sale is going to a center like the one I went to. One that helps girls and women who have no idea what to do with themselves, one that gives shelter to teenagers who have made mistakes that their parents can't or won't accept. And I can only hope to the gods that my money is not going to help fund a group that stoops to murdering doctors who perform abortions.

(Hypothetical) Fire

If a catastrophe struck and you had to leave your home in a hurry (and never return), what items would you grab in your last ten minutes, and why?

I saw this prompt on Livejournal today, and it made me think. I did an exercise like this during Nerd Camp in '04, where we had to save four things from a fire, and then we proceeded to "give" them away to others in the group. It was a really emotional exercise, mostly because we had to think about what we were giving away, to whom we were giving it, and why. It was the why that got me. One of my items was my Forrest Bear, an army bear I got on my birthday two days (or so) after my dad was sentenced to prison for x number of years. I opened it while on the phone with him. After I "saved" it, I gave it to a girl whose father had died... Because I kinda knew what it was like, not having a dad around when you needed him. She, in turn, gave me something of her dad's that she'd "saved." ... See? I'm getting all teary eyed just thinking about it now.

Back to this prompt: What would I save (from a fire, just to make it like the one I did before)? I'm adding the condition that all people make it out alive and well. Of course, I would save my computer, because it has almost all of my pictures, many important school files, and my grimoire files. I would also grab my file box which holds tax papers, birth certificates, and music. Finally, I would grab all of the books I could find, starting with the drawer that holds my Wheel of Time, Earth's Children, and other series books, followed by the drawer with my non-series books (Watership Down, About a Boy, Onion Girl, and others. Also, I would make a grab at the quilt my mom made for me a couple of years ago.

And what am I leaving to burn? Clothes, toys, furniture. (I doubt I could get my bed taken apart and out of my apartment before it burned down around me. Oh, well.) My collection of dragons. Any/all of my ritual items, including my beautiful faerie/goddess figurine. My Wii, which I generally think of as a waste of money, anyway, so that's no big loss.

What does it say that half of what I save is for practical reasons? I save my books because A) I love my books and B) the thought of almost any book burning up in a fire makes me cringe and sends waves of panic through me (maybe not V.C. Andrews and a few others, though; they can burn!) I don't even know how set I am on saving the blanket. Yes, I love it and yes, I'd be sad if I lost it, but it wouldn't be such a huge loss. My mum could always make me a new one. Perhaps I would save the quilt I'm working on instead; I have much more invested in that.

What about you, dear reader? What would you save, assuming all pets and people made it out alive and well?

On my life

“A butterfly that flaps its wings in China can cause a hurricane in Kansas.”

I don't feel that I'm special. I don't think I'm doing something that is impossible for anyone else. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, sometimes it sucks. But in the last three or four years, so many possibilities have opened up for me that I don't think would have been there otherwise. Also, it doesn't hurt that I enjoy being a mom. :)

I've heard from two separate sources this week that I'm amazing for doing what I do. In the past I've had trouble accepting compliments, and though I still do to some extent, it's much easier now. This, however, I can't help but try to shrug off. I don't think I'm doing anything special; I'm just doing what I have to do. I'm simply refusing to allow the butterfly to dictate every moment of my life. Would they not do the same? They're in college now; if they had a baby right out of high school, could they really not find the will to continue their education? I find it hard to believe.

I'm not doing anything miraculous. I don't have a debilitating disease. I'm not trying to accomplish the impossible. I'm just securing a future for myself, my son, and my future family. Yeah, I have a few more hills and obstacles to climb, but it's not as hard as everyone seems to think it is.

What defines you?

So tonight I decided to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic because I really enjoyed the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella and was somewhat excited about seeing the movie. And it was actually really well done, except for the fact that it was set in America (books are in England.) Though, I could just be thinking that because A) I did not actually read the books (audio books for car trips) and B) it's been about a year probably since I read(listened!) to Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Anyway, in the movie, Becky's parents buy an RV because her dad has always wanted one. He offers to sell it to help her out, and she says "No. Don't you dare. It totally defines you!" Or some such. He replies, "The only things that defines me are you and your mother." And I was all like, awwww. lol

Seriously though, it made me wonder, what defines me? There are so many things and so many moments in my life that have helped shape me into who I am today; but do any of them define me? I guess, if you looked up the One Witch Sydnii in the dictionary, what would you find as my definition? Camden, obviously, for without him, I, as I am now, would not exist. The marimba. The sound it makes, the music it creates: that is a part of me.

Also, I am defined by my relationships, how I interact with and respond to people, but also how I interact with and respond to the gods. But this, I'm afraid, is less easily described as succinctly as something as concrete as a child or a thing.

And more into the realm of the abstract: am I defined by what I do not have or what I have given away or what has been taken from me? Am I defined by anything from within or must my definition always come from without? Am I truly unique or simply a melting pot for others' ideas and being?

Does it make a difference?

At the end of the day, aren't I still me?

To be, or not to be... in the closet!

This is a question that troubles many of our fellow Witches and Pagans. Should we keep our beliefs hidden, or shout it to the world what we know to be true... or something in between? I came to Paganism when I was thirteen(ish). At that time, I was actively, if not openly, searching for a religion or non-religion that could hold up to my world view in ways that Christianity, and my understanding of it, could not. I tried many: atheism, Satanism, Buddhism, and finally Wicca for many years before becoming a generally-whatever-goes Pagan.

I remember quite clearly one instant in my first days of Wicca. I was studying it, as one does, when my mom came home. Now, I wasn't trying to hide it, because I saw nothing wrong with it. So, it was very much a surprise when she FREAKED OUT about seeing a pentacle on the computer screen. I was so excited to have found a religion that worked for me, and I wanted to share it with her. And what did she do? She banned me from it. And as all teenagers do, I studiously followed her wishes completely ignored her! Even after that, it never occurred to me that I shouldn't tell a soul I was no longer Christian. I was quite open about it at school, though I knew better than to say anything at home. Eventually, my mom found out anyway, and she finally came to accept me. My brother and dad never said much about it, and after my then-god-fearing sister gave me the cold shoulder for several years, we are now very close and she very much accepts that my beliefs are right for me.

Since those first days I've never tried to hide the fact that I'm a Pagan. I never really advertised (aside from openly wearing my pentacle on a regular basis) but I didn't hide it, either. Yes, I experienced confrontations, from friends as well as complete strangers. (Yes, creepy guy eating Chinese food, I am reading a book called Celtic Myth and Magic. No I don't want to talk to you about your God who supposedly hates everything not directly under his power.) But I've never actually worried about what my being Pagan might mean. At the moment, it means the end of a relationship, because my boyfriend cannot/will not accept that part of me. However, I've also started worrying about my career. I want to be an elementary music teacher (or maybe middle school/beginning band teacher), and I have only two years until I start looking for a job in that field. What effect will my being Pagan have on my ability to find a job? I'm not going to put on my application/resume, "Hey, I'm an Earth-worshipping witchy Pagan," but at some point, it will surely come to be known. And, of course, this is on top of the fact that I'm a single mother.

I hope, though, that I will end up either in an area with a relatively high number of pagans (Southwestern MO seems to have quite a few, especially compared to the ~10 to be found in NEMO), or in a metro area where keeping my social life separate from my work life will be relatively easy. So, it seems I shall remain outside of the dusty broom closet (because who dusts the broom closet?!) And hopefully, I will pave the way for future Pagan teachers in this primarily Christian world.

Embarrassment

The other day a friend and I were running errands around town, and he commented on my choice of radio station. I've been listening to Spirit FM (contemporary Christian) since May/June, because I like the DJs and the music. But anyway, he said that he never imagined that I'd be listening to a Christian station, or even that I was a Christian. Now, this friend is really quite new. I only started talking to him this semester, and that day was the first time we'd talked longer than 10 minutes. So I'm not entirely sure where he was getting non-Christian vibes from.

Anyway (again), when he said that, I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I can't really crunch my spiritual beliefs and reasons for them into a tiny nutshell. It's not enough for me to say "Jesus was the son of God, came to Earth to die for our sins," because that doesn't fully encompass what I believe. It is part of it, but not all of it. I doubt I could crunch my spiritual beliefs into a single blog post--hence the blog devoted to this.

I ended up saying something like, "oh, yeah, well, I converted earlier this year, though I don't think most Christians would consider me a Christian." To be honest, I barely consider myself a Christian. I did, fully. I said I was fully Christian and fully Pagan. But as time goes on, I'm feeling less and less comfortable with the Christian label and ideals. I thought I could do it. It was easy to believe, when I was reading up on Christianity every day. Now, though, it just seem awkward for me. I think because I'm trying to bend my belief systems to make them work with each other, instead of either picking one and being happy, or just letting it happen naturally. However, if I were to let it happen naturally, I'm fairly certain I would go back to being "Pagan," but with a lot of Christian influences, instead of the "fully Pagan, fully Christian" I am now.

Does this mean I'm going to give up on being Christopagan? Honestly, I don't know. And I find that very disappointing. Do I have a right for being disappointed in myself that these beliefs I chose aren't working out? For being disappointed in myself for converting in the first place? It's amusing, really, that I started this blog to help cement my beliefs. So I'd have a place to cipher through things and find a firmer footing on what I believe in. But, the majority of blogs I follow belong to fellow Witches. Why? Well, because most of the Christian bloggers I've come across follow the very exclusive teachings that I find so distasteful.

I've always hated being proven wrong. And I've seen it posted in numerous places that one can't be Christian *and* Pagan. And, while I'm still convinced that it can work out for some, maybe it's just not for me. We'll see.