31 October 2009

Happy Samhain!

I haven't been this excited for Samhain/Halloween in a long time. Before I went to college, I lived at my parents' house, so rituals were pretty much a no-go. And after I came to college, I just didn't have the time/place. I probably still won't do much for it this year--send up a prayer and do a short meditation, probably-- because I'll be taking Camden trick-or-treating and at 8 I have to go to a recital.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that Camden will be trick-or-treating as a fireman. And I finally took a picture of him dressed up! I'm glad he's old enough to appreciate the fun of trick-or-treating and also that he can say trick-or-treat!

The pumpkin was given to us by a thrift store just down the street. The people who run it think Camden is the greatest thing since sliced bread (which he is) so they gave it to us. I planned to make a jack-o-lantern with it, but it was quite tough, so I couldn't cut it properly! Instead, I decided to use it for pumpkin puree. It made around 14.5 cups, and that was only using 2/3 of it! The worst part is that I still have two smaller "pie pumpkins" that I was planning on cooking up for puree! I guess they'll get to survive for a little bit longer in my harvest/Samhain display.

Have a wonderful Samhain!!

25 October 2009

in the spirit

As Halloween/Samhain creeps closer and closer, I've been getting more and more excited. Mainly at the idea of taking my son trick-or-treating. This year he's going to be a firefighter--his idea, not mine. I wanted him to be a dragon. I got a dragon costume for free last year at a yard sale, so that's what he was last year, and since he still fit, I had hopes of him being one again. He had other ideas. So I found him a fire-fighter hat at a thrift store, and bought him a red rain coat (which is much too big, but I figure he'll grow into it, so it's a good buy!). Now he's throwing fits about not having "fire-fighter boots." I've tried telling him that tennis shoes or his bright blue rain boots will work just as well, but he's not falling for it. lol

Today, I decided to get more into the spirit. On a run to the grocery store for eggs and milk this morning, I couldn't help but stop at the Halloween candy display. Camden picked out a metal bucket with packages of hard-candy pumpkins in it, and I picked out a few bags of candy corn mix. The bucket, which has pictures of pumpkins and ghouls(maybe?) on it, and a glass jar filled with the candy corn went onto our fall harvest display in the kitchen. I ought to get a picture of it...

Along with the festive candy, I decided to try cooking with the little pumpkins we bought a while ago. So now I have eight mini-loaves and twelve cupcakes of chocolate chip spiced pumpkin bread to eat/give to friends, as well as toasted pumpkin seeds! I love pumpkins!

Now I just have to figure out what I'll be for trick-or-treating. So many options!

23 October 2009


I am still trying to find my balance between Paganity (because I saw it written like that, and find it hilarious!) and Christianity. Sometimes I feel as though I identify as more of a Pagan, and other times, as more of a Christian. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find my balance, or if I'll be going from one end to the other. I identify fully as a Christopagan, I just tend to lean more one way than the other from time to time.

Last week I was inexplicably leaning towards the Christian side. This week I'm feeling the Pagan vibrations.

I blame the weather! The last two days have been beautiful fall weather. Cold, but not too cold, and raining! These following a gorgeous Indian Summer, which followed horrid wintery weather. I'm feeling very attuned to the earth and changing seasons, which just feels Witchy.

Mother Moon's views on god are: "sometimes my God is a she; a mother who holds me in her arms and gently sings me to sleep. Sometimes my God is a man; who helps me to see the folly of my ways and lends wisdom to help be once again walk the right path." This speaks very deeply to me. Mother the Comforter; Father the Protector. Is that what I'm feeling? Not necessarily one religion over the other, but the notion of god? Last week I needed a protector to guide me, this week I'm needing a comforter to hold me? I can see that.

So maybe it's not that I'm feeling like more of a Pagan than a Christian at the moment, but that my view of god, at the moment, is based more in my Pagan roots. Which brings up the question, I suppose, of isn't that still feeling more like a Pagan than a Christian. Many people view religion as "If you're this, then you're not that, and if you're that, then you're not this." Perhaps my mind is still in that format, if I'm trying to justify my Witchy tendencies. I have decided that I will label myself Christopagan, but perhaps I haven't decided whether that means a blending of the two, or both of them simultaneously.

21 October 2009

Wishcasting Wednesday

Jamie Ridler over at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us this Wednesday:

What do you wish to say yes to?

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I wish to say yes to life's simple pleasures. My tendency is to stress out about every little thing, without relishing the moments that aren't so stressful. So yes to the first sip of an ice cold mountain dew. Yes to playing in the leaves with my son. Yes to feeling the sun on my face and the wind on my hair. And, most importantly (not really), yes to pumpkin cheesecake ice cream!

16 October 2009


As a child, I had to shoulder burdens no child ought to. The day before my eighth birthday, my father was sentenced to prison for vehicular manslaughter. Even though I've now moved beyond it, I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out, the pain and the anger towards God. (For at that time, I was a "Christian" and had prayed to God to not let my dad go to prison.) This moment in time, I believe, was the beginning of the end. The beginning of my loss of faith in Christianity, the beginning of the end of a normal childhood, if my childhood could ever be said to have been normal.

Oddly, what caused me to lose my faith in Christianity caused my dad to find his. He was never a bad father, but he preferred to be not at home. I guess he had his own growing up to do. I have the deepest respect for and admiration of him, that he could find strength during such a horrible time, when all seemed, to me, hopeless.

This time began my path towards Wicca, and from Wicca to Paganism. Not to say that I began looking for new religions the year I turned eight, because I didn't know they were out there, but it opened my mind to the fact that religion wasn't just one thing. (I very much doubt my eight-year-old self had these thoughts. I am, most likely, projecting my musings onto my younger self. But, I can say with all certainty that this was when I started questioning the existence and concept of God.)

I hope beyond hope that I can spare my son the level of trauma I faced as a child. It's bad enough that he doesn't have a father, although that's an issue for another post, another time! Suffice it to say that the person who helped me create my son is not worthy of being a father for many, many reasons. I dream the American dream for my son, that he'll have a better and easier life than I did. Fortunately, though, I realise that the American dream does not necessarily need to be fulfilled through stuff. I prefer that his American dream is a life that is happy, healthy, and trusting, as opposed to owning a little pink house.

When I am with my friends, who are your typical college students, I feel absolutely ancient, though I am only a year or so older or, in some cases, younger than they. Even with my boyfriend, who is seven years older than I am, I am generally left feeling like the older person. Its very odd, because I still feel like a child at time. I don't see this as a bad thing. I think its amazing that at 22, I can still feel elation at going to a zoo, or jumping in puddles after it rains, or trying to catch lightning bugs on a summer night. (Although, I find it somewhat of a relief that I have my son and can use him as an excuse to do these things which no respectable 22 year-old would do!)

My childhood was robbed of happiness. But I am making up for that by living my life with child-like abandon. I find it both amazing and ridiculous how excited I get by some things, like going to a zoo, because I'm "adult" who is more excited than most children. I advise it to you.

Live like a child, taking utter joy from life's simple pleasures. See the wonder in a line of ants passing by with their food, without worrying that they're contaminating your kitchen. Dance in the rain. Colour with crayons. Open yourself to these experiences and you will see the magic that resides in them.

12 October 2009

Apple Breakfast Bread... sort of


* 1/2 cup butter
* 1 cup sugar
* 2 eggs
* 2 cups all-purpose flour
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
* 2 apples - peeled, cored and chopped


1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease an 8x4 inch loaf pan.
2. In a bowl, mix the butter and sugar until smooth and creamy. Beat in the eggs.
3. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and cloves. Mix into the butter mixture until moistened. Fold in the apples. Transfer to the prepared loaf pan.
4. Bake 1 hour in the preheated oven, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 15 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

This is the basic recipe I started with. I decided on apple bread because I bought Cam a granny smith apple that he decided not to eat, probably because it was soo sour!! Anyway, as you can see, the recipe calls for two apples, and I only had one. :( But! I had half a zucchini left over from dinner earlier! Apple and zucchini. Life just does not get any better than that! I also left out the cloves because I didn't have any. And I grated the the apple and zucchini. But those are the only changes! Scouts honor!

And let me say, this was delicious! Even better than banana bread. The best part was that Cam helped me mix everything. Even though he tends to make about ten times the mess I do, I love having him help me cook, and I think he enjoys doing it. Except that he doesn't like eating what we cook! I really can't figure it out. He was all sorts of excited about the bread until it came out of the oven and cooled enough that we could eat it. Then I barely got him to try one bite! Oh, the fickleness of children! It's almost as bad as the fickleness of adults.

And now I have to go, because he's trying to make a grilled cheese. lol

11 October 2009


In the last few days, I've had the worst luck with my car! Nothing serious, but I have spent/will be spending a few hundred dollars more on it this year than I expected.

Thursday night Cam and I were leaving to go to ensemble rehearsal, and as I'm throwing our bag of necessities into the backseat, I become aware of a hissing noise. Behold, a nail in my tire! At the time, I was just glad I found it before my tire went completely flat! But sadly, a $10 job turned into buying two new tires. Seems the alignment is off on my car, and the tires I had just bought in February were almost completely bald on the inside. Once again, I was just happy I found out then and not when one of my tires exploded on the highway. Though, needless to say, I wasn't happy about shelling out the two hundred bucks!

Today, as I'm driving home from church (I go to one 30min away), my check engine light comes on. No problem, I'll just check my oil levels. Both oil and transmission fluid are normal. I ended up taking it to AutoZone to get a diagnostic ran (they do it for free!) where they told me either my thermostat is faulty, or the coolant gauge-thing in my engine is faulty.

So tomorrow I'll be calling mechanics to fix my car on Tuesday, since I have a 3 1/2 hour drive to my parents' Wednesday night.

This always seems to happen. Whenever I'm excited (or not) that I'll have an extra couple hundred dollars left over at the end of the semester, something always goes catastrophically wrong that needs fixing, and just happens to cost the same as the couple hundred dollars I'd have left over. This summer I was planning on having some money left from my job, but my financial aid got screwed up, so that money went to paying rent/buying food. Last year I had to fix my computer.

Okay, spirits of Finance, I would love to know what the H I'm doing wrong, that you're taking all my potential savings! Gimme a break! (Break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar!)

10 October 2009


Two years ago I knitted the alien illusion scarf found in Stitch'n'Bitch. It's been ridiculously cold the last week or so, so I've been wearing my alien scarf. A friend saw it and asked me to knit him one, too! But he doesn't want aliens. So instead, I'm going to knit him one with a treble clef on one end and an eighth note on the other. Normally these are done in two-row stripes, but I think after each design, I'm going to make the stripes wider an wider, so I don't have to continue switching colors after every two rows. Lazy, I know.

While I was shopping for yarn for his scarf, I found some gorgeous blue. (Ocean Mist by Simply Soft Eco) Now I want a scarf!! I've started twice on a scarf from ScarfStyle, but failed miserably both times... lol It's been a VERY long time since I've knitted anything from a pattern--or even knitted anything. I'm unsure right now what sort of scarf I want to knit. I guess it will be a surprise!! I also need to finish up Cam's llama hat, not that he'll wear it, but at least he'll have it.

Originally, my only plans for this blog was as a place to talk about religion, specifically my path of Christopaganism. But I think that would get boring, and besides that, my (probably non-existent) readers wouldn't know who I am, which seems very important as validating my views. I'm actually getting return readers! I'm sure half the hits I'm seeing are just me checking out my blog, but that still means that some people are coming back. And that's pretty exciting to me. No followers, yet, though. In time!

09 October 2009

Clarification ([last] post recovery)

I'm putting my recovered post first, this time. My comments and amendments will be below it.

So, in no uncertain terms, this is what I believe:

God the Father, Yeshua the Son, the Holy Spirit(possibly as the feminine side of God?)

Yeshua is God's Son, His Flesh on Earth, sent to teach us, guide us, Save us (from what, I don't know. Bad harvest?)

The Bible is most definitely NOT infallible. It was written by MEN in a different time, a different place. It serves as a good guide book, as good as, but no better or worse, than the Bhagavad Gita, the Koran, etc. It has been CHANGED since originally written 1500-2000 years ago.

Hell does not exist, at least not in the form mostly thought of. No fire, no brimstone, no devil. I don't know what it might be. I don't know what Heaven might be either.

"God," what we call god is both male and female, singular and plural. Which is how we get the Trinity, three in one, one in three. [Completely random side note, A Memory of Light is like its own holy trinity, three books in one, one book in three. Haha!] God also has many names, including Allah, YHWH, Eloah, Jupiter, Zues, Brigit, Thor, etc.


So, basically, I'm a pagan worshipping the Christian pantheon. Which technically makes me a Christian. Take that! Really, I don't see it as any big difference; no bigger than the difference between Protestant and Catholic Christianities, anyway. Is this another great schism coming along? Probably not. I doubt Christopaganism will ever become mainstream: too many people on both sides claiming it to be impossible. Perhaps another way of seeing it is that my religion is Christianity while my spirituality is paganism. It's not the "what" I'm questioning, it's the "how." I'm not changing "what" I believe, just the "how" I believe it. You can't stick a Protestant into a Catholic church and expect them to be comfortable with how things go down, even though God, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit are all there. Why should I be any different?

I'd be interested to know what you, my readers (are you there?!), think. Am I just blowing smoke? Should I pick one or the other and stick with it? Or are my points valid (as I think they are!)? Am I any less a Christian than the person who never goes to church? For me, the "what" isn't enough. Or maybe I'm just crazy

How do I say this... I don't know EXACTLY what it is I believe in, religious-wise or any other sort of -wise. I probably never will. I'll always have a general idea, but I feel beliefs are very fluid things with the potential to change. Take my mother: When she learned I was Wiccan oh so many years ago, she was crushed because she had no idea what it meant, but she BELIEVED it was horribly, horribly wrong! With time, she realised I was still a good person, I still worshipped god (in my own way), and it became okay with her. People BELIEVED the Earth was flat. Amusing, no? My point is this: beliefs change, they evolve as more information becomes available or as public morals change (i.e. Women's suffrage).

"It's not the "what" I'm questioning, it's the "how." I'm not changing "what" I believe, just the "how" I believe it."

I tend to use Pagan in a very general form. (I also use Witch and Pagan interchangeably, though I know that for many they aren't. I've always described myself as a Witch or a Pagan, so, for me, they are one in the same. For me. Not necessarily for you.) Earth-worshipper, I suppose. I know I can't speak for all Pagans, but I see it as a way of life that sees god in everything there is and everything we do. In Christianity, it's taught that God is not of this world; though we live in this world, we should not be of it. I don't think that's a good teaching. Of course God is of this world, he made it. Whenever you make something, part of yourself goes into it! And God made everything, therefore God is part of everything. This is probably a big part of why I call myself a Christopagan. I see God as a Force, as an Entity, not necessarily as a sentient Being watching over us. God doesn't "answer" our prayers, we send our wanting energies out into the universe, and that supreme force (aka God!) oftentimes sends those energies back in a way that encapsulates our desires.

All religions have their contradictions. Why should mine be any different? I'm still fond of my description that spirituality-wise I'm a Pagan, but religion-wise I'm a Christian. I know many people would say I must be one or the other. That if I want to convert, I should just do it. But it seems to me that it's entirely possible to worship two seemingly opposing religions side by side or adopt attributes from one religion into another. That, my friends, is how religions are formed! Just look at everything Christianity stole from Judaism. Religions evolve, they grow, they prosper, they die out, they change. That's how we have so many denominations of Christianity, why there are so many Neo-pagan paths. How many Pagans out there are following a century old tradition? How many are basically making it up as they go along (those who use gods/goddesses from different pantheons/cultures, who celebrate the turning of the Wheel differently than others, usw)?

It shouldn't matter to Pagans, I would think, what religion someone else is, because they should know its the same god. Isn't that correct? That all the names we attribute to those we call gods are really just naming the one supreme force of everything? What should it matter to Christians, who need to get the plank out of their eye before they even bother with my measly little splinter. What makes you think I hold my beliefs any less close to my heart than you hold yours? Are Christians who are discovering writings on Sophia/Wisdom and deciding to worship Her alongside God/YHWH any less Christian? Are Pagans who decide to only worship a "singe" god any less Pagan?

I believe God/dess(supreme ultimate being, if you will) leads us all down the paths we take. Or, barring that, leaves little signposts and hints and clues pointing to the paths we should be on. And, well, I'm where God/dess wants me for now. Or I'm just making things up.

08 October 2009

Random notes

Since I am lacking a flash drive (*gasp* I know! The horror), the easiest way to get files from my computer to other computers is to email them to myself. It seems I've been doing this on a regular basis since the semester started in August. Every email I send to myself, I always write a little uplifting tidbit that I know will make me smile. Yes, I know it's cheesy! And, yes, I know that I already know what I said. But it's still nice. I tell myself that I'm beautiful, or wonderful, or I remind myself that I'm going to kick ass at whatever I want to do. It really brightens my day. I just think it's a fun way to incorporate some self-love into my life.

When I was a teenager, I hated myself. I hated my body and my mind. I thought I was fat and ugly. After I had Camden, though, I made a pact with myself to be a better person. I decided to A) love myself, however I was B) find the beauty in others and C) always be honest. Maybe something else, but that was almost three years ago! Of those I've succeeded most at loving myself and finding the beauty in others. I'm still struggling with the being honest. I'm not saying I'm a compulsory liar or anything like that, but it's hard for me to be honest about my feelings to myself and to others. I knowingly shortchange myself.

My "Rules for Life" were based off of my views of Paganism at the time. But they also fit in with my (now) Christian views, too. Love thy neighbor and all that. It really does make life easier, if you actively search for the good/beauty in yourself and in others. It enables you to see past small faults to the person within.

I tell my friends they're beautiful. Sometimes I tell people I don't know very well at all that they're beautiful. Always, they laugh or brush it off as me being odd. But, honestly, they are beautiful, and it saddens me that some people don't see it.

07 October 2009

What do you wish to complete?

Jamie Ridler over at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us today:

What do you wish to complete?

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

I wish to complete the cleaning of my apartment! This place is such a disaster area!

I wish to complete No Screws Required, a marimba piece I began a month ago. Hope to have this one ready to go somewhatly by Thanksgiving and completely by January/February.

I wish to complete college without changing my major too many more times. Deadline for this one is hopefully May 2011, though if I switch to Music-Ed, I may be going a bit longer.

I think those are all my wishes for now. ^_^

Dream (post recovery)

I have to say, I love this dream that I had. The surreal feeling and, probably more so, the meaning I have attached to it.

I'm glad that I realised my well-being in religious terms is more important than making Dan (my boyfriend) happy. Just after I wrote this post was when I really started looking into Christopaganism (Christopaganity? lol), or looking for others who felt the same way I did. Those who felt like Christians and Witches/Pagans. I even found some. A blog or two, some websites, some groups on Yahoo! but most of these were talking about those coming from Christian backgrounds. I guess Christians want to be Witches more than Witches want to be Christians?

I still try to fit God into the Christian boundaries. Heavenly Father, God, He. Not Mother, Goddess, She, which are terms I used as an exclusive Pagan. On this blog I've been writing God/dess and S/He, which I will probably continue to use, but thinking about God, it is He, God. I worry sometimes about losing the Goddess, because if I don't think about god in terms of Goddess, it seems that nurturing quality is gone. The femininity is displaced. Christians live in such a small box, only once have I heard a Christian refer to God as Father and Mother, but for most others it is only God as Father. God couldn't possibly be Mother, too. For me, something is just innately wrong with that picture.


When I was about thirteen, I had a dream where I was walking in the rain through the woods near my home towards a pond. As I neared the pond, I noticed a rather nondescript man in an overcoat, staring out over the water. I approached him, and he turned to me. He gave no greeting but stated, "it's raining."

"Yeah, I know" I told him.

"I'm going to go," he says, and begins to leave down a road. He's off the bank when he turns and asks, "Aren't you coming?"

"No," I say, "I'll just go back the way I came."

And the dream changes to a completely different plot-line. I actually had this dream a few times. I never knew what it meant, if it meant anything. Even now, I can only guess.

At that time, I was converting to Wicca. I either already had, or would soon after. I can't exactly remember. Looking back, I see the man in my dream as Jesus. I turned from Him, and chose to go my own way. And He was okay with it.

I bring this up, because it's raining today. And I was out walking in the rain, and it reminded me of this dream. The rain, a surreal feeling, it was very similar to how the dream felt those eight or nine years ago. And I couldn't help but wonder where and who I would be if I chose to follow that man all those years ago.

Christianity as most churches teach it is not a perfect fit for me. It's barely even a fit. I cannot believe in a God who is love eternal, who damns all to Hell for not accepting Him. I cannot believe that the people of Islam or Hinduism or Paganism are anymore likely to be spending eternity in Hell than their Christian brothers and sisters.

I feel so disconnected from god. There are so many stereotypes and such in this religion that I feel lost. I did this for Dan. No, I did this for myself, so that I could experience the happiness and love I knew I would have with Dan. And I have that, but at what cost? I've abandoned the gods and myths and stories and magics that I loved for a god I can't relate to. For a god who makes me feel as though I have to prove my worth. For a god who I cannot see in nature.

But... It's not the god I have a problem with, for I knew God as a witch and loved him. Though I called Him Goddess, and saw Her in all that I did and all that I saw. It's not the God, it's the religion. I can't talk to anyone about my religion, without being named a doubter, a sinner, a witch. I would like to talk about it with Dan, but he still believes so differently than do I.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a liar, wearing a Christian facade over my Witchy interior. If I reject Christianity, then I lose the man I love. But if I reject my nature as a Witch, then I lose myself. I believe I could combine them, be a witch and still accept Jesus... But I fear that path would also lead to me losing the man I love. And if I do it and don't tell him, then I am lying to him.

06 October 2009

Jumbly thoughts (Post recovery)

This is quite the interesting post! It really is just a jumble of my thoughts on the subject, when I'm still fairly green to the idea of Christianity. I can see my feet starting to turn down the conjoined path of a Christopagan. "I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible."

I also raise some (pretty good, in my opinion!) questions about the nature of Heaven and afterlife. Before I believed that we just kind of hang out in Summerland (or wherever) until we choose to be reborn. That we choose to be reborn, not to correct past indiscretions or even to learn (reaching Nirvana), but because of our love of life, our love of living. Christian heaven is where we spend eternity with God. But doing what? Are we just zombies on that plane, because, really, what is there to do?! At the moment (for a long while, really), my view of the afterlife is based on the book and movie What Dreams May Come. More on this later!

I also go into pantheism. Not all pagans are pantheist; many probably don't even know what it means. But I was/am. God/dess exists fully in everything, and yet S/He is still separate and apart from everything. One of those contradictions all religions are so fond of. I see science and reason as the revealing of God/dess. A scavenger hunt, I called it in this post. Every thing we discover about our natural world takes us one step closer to discovering God/dess, and that makes seeking intelligence holy.

I am unsure where I am in my life and where I am headed. I don't know what I believe. I know what I want to believe, but I'm not sure that I can without changing it into something else. Something more like me. I'm a Witch who believes in Jesus. A Christian who would throw out the Bible. Life is messy and messy is supposedly fun. And my contradictions are most definitely messy and most definitely not fun. I feel God, the Ultimate Supreme Being, when I'm in church. No, when I'm in Dan's church. I didn't feel Him at Dad's. I still hold a pantheistic world view. As a Christian. Hah! But God isn't some, no, God CAN'T be some separate person. God is within us all. Within everything. The Holy Spirit, if you will. I have a chunk of God within me, yet it's more than that. God is infinite, and in His infinity, He is within me. I don't have just a chunk of God, but ALL of God. All of God is in you, and the next person and the next. Even non-believers. Even Eric, who chooses science/reason as victors in this battle between two ideals that go hand in hand. Science and reason simply reveal to us God's plans. For thousands of years, people didn't know enough about how things worked to understand evolution. Now we do. We discover God in everything we do. It's like a scavenger hunt! How much can we discover about this world of His, of ours, before we leave it? Does he send us back to learn more? Do I have to stay in Heaven for eternity? What is there to do? It has been my suffering which has made me the person I am, the person I love. There is no suffering in heaven, no trials, no sadness, no pain. So... What's the point? It is these things that create the fulfillment of life. Shouldn't my afterlife be just as fulfilling? Moreso even?

I know this is rambly and not well-thought-out at all. Didn't really have a plan coming into it. So it's just my thoughts, I suppose... So many thoughts just tumbling around. It's no wonder I'm confused. ^.^

04 October 2009


In my search for a "brand" of Christianity that I could fit into, I found instead a movement that spoke to me: progressive Christianity. It is a very accepting movement, one with people who realise that the path of Yeshua is not necessarily for everyone. That Christ's supper should be shared with all, not simply believers (or, like some churches, only members of that church/denomination). I love this movement, because I know that these progressive Christians would accept me as a Witch or as a Christian. I don't know that they'll accept me as a Christopagan, but I've come to the point where I realize my religious choices are ultimately between myself and God(dess). Being a Witch/Pagan allows me to feel closer to God than being a Christian alone. I have so many ideas and assumptions associated with what it means to be a Christian; embracing a Pagan world-view allows me to look beyond those assumptions and embrace the Divine. It allows me to look beyond the judgment and hostility I've felt from the Christian community and into the eyes of God to see the future S/He's set before me.

I embraced the progressive Christian movement, because it was the most liberal idea of Christianity I could find. It allowed me to embrace that witchy side of myself (subconsciously.) Now that I am identifying as a Christopagan, and fully embracing both the "Christian" and "Pagan" parts of myself, I still fully agree with the Eight Points of the progressive movement (especially the 6th!) I am now, obviously, a Christian out loud as well as in my heart.


"I am a Christian who has found an approach to God through the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.

I am a Christian who recognizes the faithfulness of other people who have other names for the way to God's realm, and acknowledge that their ways are true for them, as my way is true for me.

I am a Christian who understands the sharing of bread and wine in Jesus' name to be a representation of an ancient vision of God's feast for all peoples.

I am a Christian who invites all people to participate in my community and worship life without insisting that they become like me in order to be acceptable

I am a Christian who knows that the way I behave toward other people is the fullest expression of what I believe.

I am a Christian who who finds more grace in the search for meaning than in absolute certainty, in the questions than in the answers.

I am a Christian who believes in communities dedicated to equipping one another for the work we feel called to do: striving for peace and justice among all people, protecting and restoring the integrity of all God's creation, and bringing hope to those Jesus called the least of his sisters and brothers.

I am a Christian who recognizes that being a follower of Jesus is costly, and entails selfless love, conscientious resistance to evil, and renunciation of privilege."

I am a Christian, in my heart if not out loud.

01 October 2009

How far I've come (post recovery)

It's so interesting for me to read through these posts from earlier in the year, and just see the evolution of my beliefs. I don't have this from when I first converted to Wicca, and I think it would be a fantastic read if I did. Except for the fact that I was thirteen. ^_^ Anyway, about this entry:

I said I was firmly rooted in the Christian faith, but I just didn't see the world in the usual Christian way. Maybe because I was looking through the eyes of a Witch? I didn't realise at that point that I can be both a Christian and a Pagan and fully embrace both. I think my biggest mistake in all of this was thinking that my values had to change, just because I adopted a few beliefs.


I feel as though I'm losing a part of myself as well as finding a part of myself. It's an odd feeling. I'm losing my connection to nature, to the world. Someone said (don't know who, don't know where... Maybe the tower?) that it doesn't matter how you find God, be it in a church, in your home, or in a field, what matters is that you find Him. But, honestly, I still feel as though I'd already found God. I found the One who breathed life in to the nothingness, and I followed the One with love in my heart, love for Him/Her, love for me, love for my fellow journeymen, and love for my journey and the path I was taking.

I guess the real dilemma is that I'm trying to just adopt Jesus Christ into this relationship. And I WANT to. But I'm afraid everything I've known to be true will be said to be false. Is it blasphemous that I believe God is everyone's God? That He sets on the course we are to follow? And if that path doesn't meet up with Jesus Christ, then it's okay, He still loves his children.

As a Christian, I accept that Jesus Christ was sent to Earth by God to sacrifice himself for our sins, so that we may be forgiven and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But from what I know, this isn't the only way to get into Heaven. What about those who perished before Jesus came? Are they in Hell now? Those before the Jewish people? The first homo sapiens who had not yet developed religion? Which brings up another question for me: Can I truly believe in a religion, any religion, knowing that it's something humans created? (Maybe inspired to create? Hrm...)

Dan wants to hook me up with his pastor, so I can talk to him. And on one hand, I love the idea! But on the other hand, I know that I have so many ideas that aren't exactly agreeable with the Christian doctrine. Such as my journey as a Witch being in God's plans for me. :p

They say it's Grace that saves a person. Not believing in Jesus, not asking for forgiveness, not going to church every Sunday and Wednesday and holiday. It's by the Grace of God that we're saved. He loves us so much, that it doesn't matter we're flawed, or maybe it's because of our flaws He loves us. Does it really matter to Him that some of His children call him by a different name and worship Him through different rituals, as long as they're doing the best they can?

I don't see myself going back to being Pagan. I feel firmly rooted in the Christian faith. But the way I see the world is not the usual Christian way. Where I stand on many issues is not where most Christians stand. ...Does that mean I can't be a Christian? Does that mean I'm not a true Christian?

I choose to love God in my own way. If that's not the way this church or that church says it's how I should love him, does it really make me wrong?

Excitement (post recovery)

I feel somewhat bad that I'm not really posting new (to me) stuff, but I think it is important that you, my reader, know where I'm coming from. It's taken me six months to come to a comfortable combination of Christianity and Paganism, but I still find it amazing how quickly I was able to convert to Christianity, if not the "Christian" world-view. Yes, I think I was converting to help develop my relationship with Dan, but now I don't think that matters because I truly believe in Christianity--in my own way. I'm not sure if it's Christianity with a dash of Paganism or Paganism with a dash of Christianity, but either way, it is what it is.


I am as excited about Christianity today as I was about Wicca nine years ago. I've defined myself and my thinking as Pagan for so long now, that it is odd to find myself a Christian. I'm amazed I can accept Jesus into my heart, after denying Him and His teachings. But, his teachings are the same as what the Goddess taught me. I don't know that I can truly call myself a Christian, because I still believe the Christian God (my God!) is the same as the Goddess I've been following. He just knew he had to show me a different side of Himself, knowing I would come back. (Or maybe I'm just making things up... But that is how I feel)
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