Do you worship any specific gods?

This is a question on a survey that's been floating around the (Pagan) blog-o-sphere. I can't think of any specific examples, since it's been a few weeks since I last saw it, but I've seen it on at least two of the blogs I follow. This question, Do you worship any specific gods? was met with, almost every time, No, but I respect and honor many/this one/the God and Goddess/etc. I want to look into that a little further.

wor·ship   [wur-ship] noun, verb, -shiped, -ship·ing or ( especially British ) -shipped, -ship·ping.
–noun
1. reverent honor and homage paid to god or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred.
2. formal or ceremonious rendering of such honor and homage: They attended worship this morning.
3. adoring reverence or regard: excessive worship of business success.
4. the object of adoring reverence or regard.
5. ( initial capital letter ) British . a title of honor used in addressing or mentioning certain magistrates and others of high rank or station (usually prec. by Your, His, or Her ).

–verb (used with object)
6. to render religious reverence and homage to.
7. to feel an adoring reverence or regard for (any person or thing).

–verb (used without object)
8. to render religious reverence and homage, as to a deity.
9. to attend services of divine worship.
10. to feel an adoring reverence or regard.

—Synonyms
3. honor, homage, adoration, idolatry. 7. honor, venerate, revere, adore, glorify, idolize, adulate.

What, I wonder, is with the hesitation to use "worship?" Is it another of those words/actions/beliefs that is so tied in with Christianity that many Pagans just prefer to use words without those connotations? (Rather like the Pagans who dismiss the male side of Deity and honor only the Goddess aspects?)

What is the difference between respecting and honoring and worshipping a god? I worship the God and Goddess (increasingly with the faces and names of Cernunnos and Danu). I believe they, and the driving power of the world which is inherent within them, are worthy of the active praise and honoring that comes with the idea of worship. Other gods, lesser gods (not that they are, in truth, lesser, but they are less important to me and my life) I respect and honor. Respect and honor just don't seem to carry with them the same... I don't know, active participation, as worship.

I respect that these other gods are about, are worshipped by other people, and honor what they teach and/or do for the world. But am I lighting candles for them? Am I calling them to my rituals? Do I say prayers to them? No. Do I worship them? No.

But for the gods who I ask into my life, to guide me and to protect me, these are the gods I worship. I ask them to participate actively in my life, and in return, I am active in honoring them and showing my respect for them.

And now that I've said the same thing about five different ways, I'd like to know why other witches/Pagans are often hesitant to use the term worship to describe their relationship to the gods they've chosen to invite into their lives. Do you have the same proscription against the use of the word worship? Warum? Why? Or do you, like me, feel that the term is entirely appropriate?

The search is on...

In my almost ten years as a witch, I've never had a permanent altar. From time to time, I would set up one on a rock outside or a wooden box if I was inside. This probably stemmed from living in a semi-hostile environment. But even after my family no longer treated me like a devil-worshipper, even after I moved out of my parents' house, I never set up a permanent altar.

But now that Camden is getting old enough to understand at least some of what is going on, I would like one. Last year I found a gorgeous faerie statue which has no face and is holding a cup/flower. (See this post to see a picture of it/my altar) I use her as my goddess-figure, and in the flower cup, I've put things to represent the elements: a shell, a cat whisker, a holey-stone, and a small feather. And I have my sun and moon candle holders, as you can see in the picture. However, I have no god-figure. I haven't really needed one, since all gods are one in the same. But, I may have to revise my beliefs (again.)

I've been hearing Cernunnos calling my name. And now I have this driving need to find a god-figure to represent him. I'm amazed at how hard this is proving! Well, it would be easier if I wasn't shopping on a budget. But unlike my goddess-figure, which I bought before I had a name/face for her, I know which god I want to represent. Which means I should probably get something in his image. Some random male statue just won't cut it. Today I saw a "jade" Buddha statue in the thrift store, and I was very excited over it, until I remembered that Buddha just won't cut it for my path. But that was the first non-angelic/little boy/Native American male statue I'd seen in a thrift store, so I'm guessing most of my excitement was over that.

So yes. I'm searching for a Cernunnos/Horned God statue for my altar. Wish me luck!

Nature of God/dess

I've been pondering the nature of God/dess the last few days. I "believe" in "one god," or Deity, if you will. This Deity is usually celebrated, worshipped, etc as either the Goddess alone, or the Goddess and God together. I fall into the second category. When I pray or do rituals/spells, I call upon the Goddess and God, despite the fact that I see them as equal but opposite sides of Deity (rather like the Chinese yin and yang.)

I suppose those Christians who actually put thought into how the Holy Trinity functions as one in three and three in one feel about as mixed up as I do on the subject of Deity/God+Goddess/gods+goddesses. There is Deity, who is divided into the masculine and feminine God and Goddess, who are further divided into gods and goddesses who are associated with the differing aspects or faces of the Goddess and God. At least, that's how I see the divisions. There are the "hard polytheists" out there, who believe each and every god and goddess are their own separate deity, and may all the gods and spirits in existence help you if you say Zeus, Thor, and Jupiter are the same being! I am a "soft polytheist" as I see the lines between deities as much more blurred.

Viewing the gods in this light, it's hard for me to assign names to them. It makes little sense, in the big scheme of things. But I think calling upon the gods using specific names makes sense from time to time. Sometimes we need that extra symbolism and connotation that is associated with that name. For instance, my son is behind with his speech and language development, despite a year+ of ear tubes and speech therapy. So when we do certain activities (reading, flash cards, or other games that involve speaking on his end) I call upon Baile (BAWL-uh), the God of Blarney, who is associated with glib speech, quick speech, and verbal communication, as well as Nessa, who aids in increasing mental abilities and helps look out for the interests of children. This evening, we will be calling upon and thinking of Brigit as we make our Priapic wands (will blog about this tomorrow!) for Imbolc.

All That Is

This morning as I walked from my car into the music/art (but most importantly music :D) building on campus, I was thinking of the Goddess and the God and just Deity in general, I guess. I'm not sure there was a reason, perhaps a sugar high from the doughnut I'd just eaten... Or because it was really freaking cold *and* 7.15 in the morning. (I HATE 7.30 classes!) Anyway, I was thinking how nice it was to be able to see Her/Him/Them/It in everything there is. That She is All That Is. Who can name the Goddess (or God) knowing that name attempts definition, therefore attempting limits upon Her(Him, usw). For a long time I worried about finding "my" goddess, finding a name to call Her. But now I realise that by attempting to give Her a name, I can limit the power I perceive in Her, which in turn limits the power I have from Her. She is not Cerridwen, Hecate, Diana, etc. She is All That Is. Those names are a part of Her, but in no way, shape, or form can they encompass Her entirety.

Just that short tidbit for today, I think. Also a quick note to say that I won't be posting except once or maybe twice a week until May. I'm taking a full course load this semester plus two classes that are 0-credit (but still take up time!) so I am hella busy!

Until I see you again!

My gods

I've never liked the Roman (and Greek, for they were taught to me as the same gods, just different names) pantheon. I'd never been drawn to them in the slightest in my search for gods to call upon. I preferred Celtic and Norse gods mainly, with the occasional Egyptian and Hindu god thrown into the mix. In January or February the Goddess revealed her name to me as Gaia. Oh, the irony. But, perhaps even more ironic, a short time later I decided to convert to Christianity. More irony that after my conversion I decided to continue on as both a Christian *and* a Pagan.

My gods have again given me their names via my studies. They are Christian gods, from the Bible, Gnostic texts, and other non-canonical scriptures. God is Eloah, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit; Goddess is Sophia, Mary (Magdalene), and the Holy Soul.

Though I'm often unsure of exactly where I stand in my religion, I know the names my gods wish to be called. I say mine, because god is personal. "My" god is not the same as "your" god, even if we were to call him/her/it by the same name. My uncertainty of beliefs is not a weakness. It simply means that I will keep searching, continue my explorations, and not grow bored or jaded. How awful and lonely it must be for those who have it all figured out and have given up exploring deeper, for those who continue day after day or week after week doing what they have always done, because it is the "right" way, for those who stop feeling god during their worship.

Balance

I am still trying to find my balance between Paganity (because I saw it written like that, and find it hilarious!) and Christianity. Sometimes I feel as though I identify as more of a Pagan, and other times, as more of a Christian. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find my balance, or if I'll be going from one end to the other. I identify fully as a Christopagan, I just tend to lean more one way than the other from time to time.

Last week I was inexplicably leaning towards the Christian side. This week I'm feeling the Pagan vibrations.

I blame the weather! The last two days have been beautiful fall weather. Cold, but not too cold, and raining! These following a gorgeous Indian Summer, which followed horrid wintery weather. I'm feeling very attuned to the earth and changing seasons, which just feels Witchy.

Mother Moon's views on god are: "sometimes my God is a she; a mother who holds me in her arms and gently sings me to sleep. Sometimes my God is a man; who helps me to see the folly of my ways and lends wisdom to help be once again walk the right path." This speaks very deeply to me. Mother the Comforter; Father the Protector. Is that what I'm feeling? Not necessarily one religion over the other, but the notion of god? Last week I needed a protector to guide me, this week I'm needing a comforter to hold me? I can see that.

So maybe it's not that I'm feeling like more of a Pagan than a Christian at the moment, but that my view of god, at the moment, is based more in my Pagan roots. Which brings up the question, I suppose, of isn't that still feeling more like a Pagan than a Christian. Many people view religion as "If you're this, then you're not that, and if you're that, then you're not this." Perhaps my mind is still in that format, if I'm trying to justify my Witchy tendencies. I have decided that I will label myself Christopagan, but perhaps I haven't decided whether that means a blending of the two, or both of them simultaneously.

Childhood

As a child, I had to shoulder burdens no child ought to. The day before my eighth birthday, my father was sentenced to prison for vehicular manslaughter. Even though I've now moved beyond it, I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out, the pain and the anger towards God. (For at that time, I was a "Christian" and had prayed to God to not let my dad go to prison.) This moment in time, I believe, was the beginning of the end. The beginning of my loss of faith in Christianity, the beginning of the end of a normal childhood, if my childhood could ever be said to have been normal.

Oddly, what caused me to lose my faith in Christianity caused my dad to find his. He was never a bad father, but he preferred to be not at home. I guess he had his own growing up to do. I have the deepest respect for and admiration of him, that he could find strength during such a horrible time, when all seemed, to me, hopeless.

This time began my path towards Wicca, and from Wicca to Paganism. Not to say that I began looking for new religions the year I turned eight, because I didn't know they were out there, but it opened my mind to the fact that religion wasn't just one thing. (I very much doubt my eight-year-old self had these thoughts. I am, most likely, projecting my musings onto my younger self. But, I can say with all certainty that this was when I started questioning the existence and concept of God.)

I hope beyond hope that I can spare my son the level of trauma I faced as a child. It's bad enough that he doesn't have a father, although that's an issue for another post, another time! Suffice it to say that the person who helped me create my son is not worthy of being a father for many, many reasons. I dream the American dream for my son, that he'll have a better and easier life than I did. Fortunately, though, I realise that the American dream does not necessarily need to be fulfilled through stuff. I prefer that his American dream is a life that is happy, healthy, and trusting, as opposed to owning a little pink house.

When I am with my friends, who are your typical college students, I feel absolutely ancient, though I am only a year or so older or, in some cases, younger than they. Even with my boyfriend, who is seven years older than I am, I am generally left feeling like the older person. Its very odd, because I still feel like a child at time. I don't see this as a bad thing. I think its amazing that at 22, I can still feel elation at going to a zoo, or jumping in puddles after it rains, or trying to catch lightning bugs on a summer night. (Although, I find it somewhat of a relief that I have my son and can use him as an excuse to do these things which no respectable 22 year-old would do!)

My childhood was robbed of happiness. But I am making up for that by living my life with child-like abandon. I find it both amazing and ridiculous how excited I get by some things, like going to a zoo, because I'm "adult" who is more excited than most children. I advise it to you.

Live like a child, taking utter joy from life's simple pleasures. See the wonder in a line of ants passing by with their food, without worrying that they're contaminating your kitchen. Dance in the rain. Colour with crayons. Open yourself to these experiences and you will see the magic that resides in them.

Dream (post recovery)

I have to say, I love this dream that I had. The surreal feeling and, probably more so, the meaning I have attached to it.

I'm glad that I realised my well-being in religious terms is more important than making Dan (my boyfriend) happy. Just after I wrote this post was when I really started looking into Christopaganism (Christopaganity? lol), or looking for others who felt the same way I did. Those who felt like Christians and Witches/Pagans. I even found some. A blog or two, some websites, some groups on Yahoo! but most of these were talking about those coming from Christian backgrounds. I guess Christians want to be Witches more than Witches want to be Christians?

I still try to fit God into the Christian boundaries. Heavenly Father, God, He. Not Mother, Goddess, She, which are terms I used as an exclusive Pagan. On this blog I've been writing God/dess and S/He, which I will probably continue to use, but thinking about God, it is He, God. I worry sometimes about losing the Goddess, because if I don't think about god in terms of Goddess, it seems that nurturing quality is gone. The femininity is displaced. Christians live in such a small box, only once have I heard a Christian refer to God as Father and Mother, but for most others it is only God as Father. God couldn't possibly be Mother, too. For me, something is just innately wrong with that picture.

17-08-2009

When I was about thirteen, I had a dream where I was walking in the rain through the woods near my home towards a pond. As I neared the pond, I noticed a rather nondescript man in an overcoat, staring out over the water. I approached him, and he turned to me. He gave no greeting but stated, "it's raining."

"Yeah, I know" I told him.

"I'm going to go," he says, and begins to leave down a road. He's off the bank when he turns and asks, "Aren't you coming?"

"No," I say, "I'll just go back the way I came."

And the dream changes to a completely different plot-line. I actually had this dream a few times. I never knew what it meant, if it meant anything. Even now, I can only guess.

At that time, I was converting to Wicca. I either already had, or would soon after. I can't exactly remember. Looking back, I see the man in my dream as Jesus. I turned from Him, and chose to go my own way. And He was okay with it.

I bring this up, because it's raining today. And I was out walking in the rain, and it reminded me of this dream. The rain, a surreal feeling, it was very similar to how the dream felt those eight or nine years ago. And I couldn't help but wonder where and who I would be if I chose to follow that man all those years ago.

Christianity as most churches teach it is not a perfect fit for me. It's barely even a fit. I cannot believe in a God who is love eternal, who damns all to Hell for not accepting Him. I cannot believe that the people of Islam or Hinduism or Paganism are anymore likely to be spending eternity in Hell than their Christian brothers and sisters.

I feel so disconnected from god. There are so many stereotypes and such in this religion that I feel lost. I did this for Dan. No, I did this for myself, so that I could experience the happiness and love I knew I would have with Dan. And I have that, but at what cost? I've abandoned the gods and myths and stories and magics that I loved for a god I can't relate to. For a god who makes me feel as though I have to prove my worth. For a god who I cannot see in nature.

But... It's not the god I have a problem with, for I knew God as a witch and loved him. Though I called Him Goddess, and saw Her in all that I did and all that I saw. It's not the God, it's the religion. I can't talk to anyone about my religion, without being named a doubter, a sinner, a witch. I would like to talk about it with Dan, but he still believes so differently than do I.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a liar, wearing a Christian facade over my Witchy interior. If I reject Christianity, then I lose the man I love. But if I reject my nature as a Witch, then I lose myself. I believe I could combine them, be a witch and still accept Jesus... But I fear that path would also lead to me losing the man I love. And if I do it and don't tell him, then I am lying to him.