Freeing Secrets

I had a secret. I carried it with me and kept it close to my heart. I shared it once, with one of my first boyfriends. I was convinced he was the one for me, and I could be safe telling him. I told him and he drew away from me. I learned then, that maybe this secret was too much for anyone else to bear. So I carried it with me and kept it close to my heart. I kept it safe and never told a soul. It was my secret, my burden, my shame. It was my cross to carry (haha). Over time, I was able to forgive myself for the secret. I was able to forgive (or just not care enough to carry the grudge) the others involved. It became just a secret, not shameful, not a burden. Just a secret I carried and kept close to my heart.

In April I met David. We've been dating for three months now. It feels like so much longer. I feel as though I've known him forever. But a few weeks ago, I told him my secret. Part of my secret. My secret comes in parts. He did not turn away from me. Now he shared my secret.

We were talking yesterday about... something. I don't remember. Our conversations don't follow a very logical track sometimes, because we are both think in associations. What starts out as a conversation about dinner ends as a conversation about the merits of one couch over another, with gods only know what other topics in between. Our conversation yesterday ended with me talking about the two people who have betrayed my trust to such an extent that I couldn't forgive them. Not yet. And David asked the most amazing question: Has anyone betrayed your trust before? Did you forgive them? Yes, and yes. My secret. It was a betrayal of trust. And I forgave. I told him the other part of my secret. He knows all of it. And still he didn't turn away.

I had a secret. I carried it with me and held it close to my heart. But yesterday, I set it free. And it feels as though I can breathe for the first time in my life. Perhaps it is still a secret, shared between David and I (and the others invovled), and perhaps I carry it with me still. But perhaps it has decided to just float away and enjoy its freedom elsewhere.

I had a secret; I carried it with me and held it close to my heart. But now, I am free.