The other day a friend and I were running errands around town, and he commented on my choice of radio station. I've been listening to Spirit FM (contemporary Christian) since May/June, because I like the DJs and the music. But anyway, he said that he never imagined that I'd be listening to a Christian station, or even that I was a Christian. Now, this friend is really quite new. I only started talking to him this semester, and that day was the first time we'd talked longer than 10 minutes. So I'm not entirely sure where he was getting non-Christian vibes from.
Anyway (again), when he said that, I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I can't really crunch my spiritual beliefs and reasons for them into a tiny nutshell. It's not enough for me to say "Jesus was the son of God, came to Earth to die for our sins," because that doesn't fully encompass what I believe. It is part of it, but not all of it. I doubt I could crunch my spiritual beliefs into a single blog post--hence the blog devoted to this.
I ended up saying something like, "oh, yeah, well, I converted earlier this year, though I don't think most Christians would consider me a Christian." To be honest, I barely consider myself a Christian. I did, fully. I said I was fully Christian and fully Pagan. But as time goes on, I'm feeling less and less comfortable with the Christian label and ideals. I thought I could do it. It was easy to believe, when I was reading up on Christianity every day. Now, though, it just seem awkward for me. I think because I'm trying to bend my belief systems to make them work with each other, instead of either picking one and being happy, or just letting it happen naturally. However, if I were to let it happen naturally, I'm fairly certain I would go back to being "Pagan," but with a lot of Christian influences, instead of the "fully Pagan, fully Christian" I am now.
Does this mean I'm going to give up on being Christopagan? Honestly, I don't know. And I find that very disappointing. Do I have a right for being disappointed in myself that these beliefs I chose aren't working out? For being disappointed in myself for converting in the first place? It's amusing, really, that I started this blog to help cement my beliefs. So I'd have a place to cipher through things and find a firmer footing on what I believe in. But, the majority of blogs I follow belong to fellow Witches. Why? Well, because most of the Christian bloggers I've come across follow the very exclusive teachings that I find so distasteful.
I've always hated being proven wrong. And I've seen it posted in numerous places that one can't be Christian *and* Pagan. And, while I'm still convinced that it can work out for some, maybe it's just not for me. We'll see.
12 December 2009
11 December 2009
Recipes
First and foremost, my recipe for "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Had."
Unfortunately, I couldn't find my actual recipe. :( And I couldn't find the original recipe. But I found one that's pretty close.
Cookie Recipe Link!!!
The only difference I have in mine is that they contain oatmeal. So if I were making these, I'd probably replace 1/2 cup of the flour with some quick oats. And use whole-wheat flour. ^_^
Today (Sunday, since I don't know how this editing works with the timestamp) I found the original recipe of "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Had!!!" Recipe Link The only change I make is using creamy peanut butter instead of crunchy, though they're delicious either way.
Second was my (somewhat, but not very much so) Healing Apple Bread I made on Wednesday. So far, it's gotten rid of everything but a hacking cough. lol
Healing Apple Bread Link!!!!
My changes to the recipe: not peeling the apples, grating the apples, whole wheat flour. If I make it again in the future, I will probably double the spice amounts, since the bread was a little bland to my tastes.
I hope you enjoy!
Cookie Recipe Link!!!
The only difference I have in mine is that they contain oatmeal. So if I were making these, I'd probably replace 1/2 cup of the flour with some quick oats. And use whole-wheat flour. ^_^
Today (Sunday, since I don't know how this editing works with the timestamp) I found the original recipe of "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Had!!!" Recipe Link The only change I make is using creamy peanut butter instead of crunchy, though they're delicious either way.
Second was my (somewhat, but not very much so) Healing Apple Bread I made on Wednesday. So far, it's gotten rid of everything but a hacking cough. lol
Healing Apple Bread Link!!!!
My changes to the recipe: not peeling the apples, grating the apples, whole wheat flour. If I make it again in the future, I will probably double the spice amounts, since the bread was a little bland to my tastes.
I hope you enjoy!
09 December 2009
Wishcasting Wednesday -- What is your spirit wishing for?
This week, Jamie Ridler asks us:
What is your spirit wishing for?
And today, my spirit is wishing for health! I'm just getting over a pretty nasty cold that hit me Sunday night. And this morning, Camden woke up with pink-eye in both eyes! I think I may have gotten it, too, though I'm not entirely sure. So, yeah, health is in pretty short supply around here, and my spirit is wishing for it back!
You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.
I think I'm going to make some apple bread, and work some healing into it. I'm just glad I'm feeling well enough to do something other than huddle under blankets watching episodes of The Office.
And today, my spirit is wishing for health! I'm just getting over a pretty nasty cold that hit me Sunday night. And this morning, Camden woke up with pink-eye in both eyes! I think I may have gotten it, too, though I'm not entirely sure. So, yeah, health is in pretty short supply around here, and my spirit is wishing for it back!
You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.
I think I'm going to make some apple bread, and work some healing into it. I'm just glad I'm feeling well enough to do something other than huddle under blankets watching episodes of The Office.
04 December 2009
Rilke
I have long been a fan of Rainer Maria Rilke, a German poet. I first heard his poetry when I watched the movie "Awakenings" with Robin Williams. He reads "The Panther," using it as a metaphor for the catatonic patients. And while I love all of Rilke's work, my favourite is "Schwarze Katze" or "Black Cat."
Ein Gespenst ist noch wie eine Stelle,
dran dein Blick mit einem Klange stößt;
aber da, an diesem schwarzen Felle
wird dein stärkstes Schauen aufgelöst:
wie ein Tobender, wenn er in vollster
Raserei ins Schwarze stampft,
jählings am benehmenden Gepolster
einer Zelle aufhört und verdampft.
Alle Blicke, die sie jemals trafen,
scheint sie also an sich zu verhehlen,
um darüber drohend und verdrossen
zuzuschauern und damit zu schlafen.
Doch auf einmal kehrt sie, wie geweckt,
ihr Gesicht und mitten in das deine:
und da triffst du deinen Blick im geelen
Amber ihrer runden Augensteine
unerwartet wieder: eingeschlossen
wie ein ausgestorbenes Insekt
The translation that seems most popular on the interwebs is:
A ghost, though invisible, still is like a place
your sight can knock on, echoing; but here
within this thick black pelt, your strongest gaze
will be absorbed and utterly disappear:
just as a raving madman, when nothing else
can ease him, charges into his dark night
howling, pounds on the padded wall, and feels
the rage being taken in and pacified.
She seems to hide all looks that have ever fallen
into her, so that, like an audience,
she can look them over, menacing and sullen,
and curl to sleep with them. But all at once
as if awakened, she turns her face to yours;
and with a shock, you see yourself, tiny,
inside the golden amber of her eyeballs
suspended, like a prehistoric fly.
The one I prefer, though is insurmountably different. I feel it captures the essence of the original much more truly than the translation above.
A phantom, even, still presents a spot
On which your glance impinges with a stir;
But your most strenuous gazing comes to naught,
Dissolved against this coat of sable fur:
As one frenzied, at the height of madding
Rage stampeding into black,
Will abruptly at the bulky padding
Of the cell lose steam and stagger back.
All the glances ever aimed at her
She appears to hide about her fur,
Quivering over them, baneful and glum,
Even in her sleep a part of her.
Of a sudden, though, her eyes will come
Straight for yours, as if she'd just been woken:
In the amber of her eyestones then
You encounter your own gaze again,
Startlingly encapsuled like the token
Of a fly in prehistoric gum
It gives me shivers. Truly. This poem speaks to the depths of my soul, and I don't know why. A black cat--a panther, in my mind's eye--trapped forever in a cage, pacing for there is nothing else to do, always loathing those outside for their freedom, capturing them with a glance when "she" can; and, suddenly, you're there with her, in her cage, looking out past the bars, at yourself caught up in her cage.
I find it odd that the translations assume the cat is a she. "Sie" is the pronoun used in the original, which does mean "she," but, also, it means "it." Katze is feminine, and therefore takes sie as a pronoun. (I know, stupid languages with stupid genders, right?) But it makes me wonder if the translators know anything about the language, or if they're just looking up the words in a worterbuch/dictionary?
Ein Gespenst ist noch wie eine Stelle,
dran dein Blick mit einem Klange stößt;
aber da, an diesem schwarzen Felle
wird dein stärkstes Schauen aufgelöst:
wie ein Tobender, wenn er in vollster
Raserei ins Schwarze stampft,
jählings am benehmenden Gepolster
einer Zelle aufhört und verdampft.
Alle Blicke, die sie jemals trafen,
scheint sie also an sich zu verhehlen,
um darüber drohend und verdrossen
zuzuschauern und damit zu schlafen.
Doch auf einmal kehrt sie, wie geweckt,
ihr Gesicht und mitten in das deine:
und da triffst du deinen Blick im geelen
Amber ihrer runden Augensteine
unerwartet wieder: eingeschlossen
wie ein ausgestorbenes Insekt
The translation that seems most popular on the interwebs is:
A ghost, though invisible, still is like a place
your sight can knock on, echoing; but here
within this thick black pelt, your strongest gaze
will be absorbed and utterly disappear:
just as a raving madman, when nothing else
can ease him, charges into his dark night
howling, pounds on the padded wall, and feels
the rage being taken in and pacified.
She seems to hide all looks that have ever fallen
into her, so that, like an audience,
she can look them over, menacing and sullen,
and curl to sleep with them. But all at once
as if awakened, she turns her face to yours;
and with a shock, you see yourself, tiny,
inside the golden amber of her eyeballs
suspended, like a prehistoric fly.
The one I prefer, though is insurmountably different. I feel it captures the essence of the original much more truly than the translation above.
A phantom, even, still presents a spot
On which your glance impinges with a stir;
But your most strenuous gazing comes to naught,
Dissolved against this coat of sable fur:
As one frenzied, at the height of madding
Rage stampeding into black,
Will abruptly at the bulky padding
Of the cell lose steam and stagger back.
All the glances ever aimed at her
She appears to hide about her fur,
Quivering over them, baneful and glum,
Even in her sleep a part of her.
Of a sudden, though, her eyes will come
Straight for yours, as if she'd just been woken:
In the amber of her eyestones then
You encounter your own gaze again,
Startlingly encapsuled like the token
Of a fly in prehistoric gum
It gives me shivers. Truly. This poem speaks to the depths of my soul, and I don't know why. A black cat--a panther, in my mind's eye--trapped forever in a cage, pacing for there is nothing else to do, always loathing those outside for their freedom, capturing them with a glance when "she" can; and, suddenly, you're there with her, in her cage, looking out past the bars, at yourself caught up in her cage.
I find it odd that the translations assume the cat is a she. "Sie" is the pronoun used in the original, which does mean "she," but, also, it means "it." Katze is feminine, and therefore takes sie as a pronoun. (I know, stupid languages with stupid genders, right?) But it makes me wonder if the translators know anything about the language, or if they're just looking up the words in a worterbuch/dictionary?
03 December 2009
Traditions
I saw an article the other day (http://www.bib-arch.org/e-features/christmas.asp if you're curious) about why December 25 was chosen for the Christmas celebration. Interestingly enough, it didn't support the idea that the 25th was chosen to aid in the conversion of pagans. It says that Judaism belief that great things are expected to occur on the same day year after year. The great things in Christianity? Obviously, the crucifixion of Christ and salvation of humanity. What led to the resurrection? The birth of Yeshua. These two things supposedly happened on the same day: the 25 of March. Coincidentally, nine months after March 25 is December 25, ergo, the birth of Christ. (Other dates support April 6 as the Passion date, and therefore, January 6 as the birth date. Some cultures still put emphasis on January 6 as an important holiday)
It was quite an interesting read, if I may say so, but it made me start thinking of Winter traditions. I don't have any of my own, aside from going to my parents' to celebrate with presents and Christmas dinner. This year Camden talked me into buying a little tree from a thrift store, and we've decorated it. But that's about the extent of our winter-y decorating, although I would like to do more, if only for his sake.
My parents like to push the Santa issue, even though I don't want to go through that with Cam. I don't remember ever suffering the trauma of finding out Santa isn't real, but I know many people have. Do I want that possibility for Camden? Do I want him to expect expensive presents from a magical being, even though I may not be able to afford those presents for him? A few people I've talked to about it have said I'm denying him the full experience of Christmas... Or something like that. But I say I'm protecting him from the possible let down of finding out there's no Santa (in a literal sense), and I'm also protecting myself from the pressure of buying him what he asked Santa for, even though it's out of my budget, just to keep up the charade. And hopefully, without expecting tons and tons of presents from Santa, it will be easy to avoid much of the commercialism of the Christmas season. And he'll be able to show gratitude to the people who actually bought the presents for him.
Is it odd that I believe in magic, magical beings, and magical beasts, but not Santa?
It was quite an interesting read, if I may say so, but it made me start thinking of Winter traditions. I don't have any of my own, aside from going to my parents' to celebrate with presents and Christmas dinner. This year Camden talked me into buying a little tree from a thrift store, and we've decorated it. But that's about the extent of our winter-y decorating, although I would like to do more, if only for his sake.
My parents like to push the Santa issue, even though I don't want to go through that with Cam. I don't remember ever suffering the trauma of finding out Santa isn't real, but I know many people have. Do I want that possibility for Camden? Do I want him to expect expensive presents from a magical being, even though I may not be able to afford those presents for him? A few people I've talked to about it have said I'm denying him the full experience of Christmas... Or something like that. But I say I'm protecting him from the possible let down of finding out there's no Santa (in a literal sense), and I'm also protecting myself from the pressure of buying him what he asked Santa for, even though it's out of my budget, just to keep up the charade. And hopefully, without expecting tons and tons of presents from Santa, it will be easy to avoid much of the commercialism of the Christmas season. And he'll be able to show gratitude to the people who actually bought the presents for him.
Is it odd that I believe in magic, magical beings, and magical beasts, but not Santa?
28 November 2009
Things to be thankful for...
I only missed Thanksgiving by two days. Not bad, considering that on Thanksgiving day I felt I had little to be thankful for. Monday, I had two teeth taken out. Both were the upper back molars on either side of my mouth (not wisdom teeth, though they might as well have been.) I'm still recovering from that, and on Thursday, my not-teeth still hurt! And that hurt was compounded by a cold that developed Wednesday night. A bruised chipmunk mouth + runny nose + sore throat + cough does not = a happy Thanksgiving! Let me tell you!
So I'm making up for my general bah-humbug attitude on Thanksgiving by writing up a list of things in my life I'm thankful for:
1. A healthy, happy, beautiful son
2. A generally healthy, generally happy, and always beautiful me! (Also known as I'm thankful for my well-being... because I'm not vain. Not at all. Just amazing)
3. A family who supports me in my endeavors
4. Friends who are willing to go out of their way for lunch on very short notice
5. Natural abilities and talent that enable me to pursue a career that I will enjoy (if I don't decide to join up with the Peace Corps instead!)
6. Amazing books by amazing authors, most notably the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan (and now Brandon Sanderson) which I have been following since I was 12 or 13
7. My understanding that god reveals Him/Herself slowly, in unexpected ways, always showing a new side or revelation
8. "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Tasted" recipe (and the ability to bake them *drool*)
I could probably go on for ages, but I think this list covers the basics, including family, friends, health, and food. I am always thankful for these things in my life, though maybe not always as consciously as on Thanksgiving (or two days after, in this case). Happy belated Thanksgiving!
So I'm making up for my general bah-humbug attitude on Thanksgiving by writing up a list of things in my life I'm thankful for:
1. A healthy, happy, beautiful son
2. A generally healthy, generally happy, and always beautiful me! (Also known as I'm thankful for my well-being... because I'm not vain. Not at all. Just amazing)
3. A family who supports me in my endeavors
4. Friends who are willing to go out of their way for lunch on very short notice
5. Natural abilities and talent that enable me to pursue a career that I will enjoy (if I don't decide to join up with the Peace Corps instead!)
6. Amazing books by amazing authors, most notably the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan (and now Brandon Sanderson) which I have been following since I was 12 or 13
7. My understanding that god reveals Him/Herself slowly, in unexpected ways, always showing a new side or revelation
8. "The Best Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chunk Cookies You've Ever Tasted" recipe (and the ability to bake them *drool*)
I could probably go on for ages, but I think this list covers the basics, including family, friends, health, and food. I am always thankful for these things in my life, though maybe not always as consciously as on Thanksgiving (or two days after, in this case). Happy belated Thanksgiving!
22 November 2009
My gods
I've never liked the Roman (and Greek, for they were taught to me as the same gods, just different names) pantheon. I'd never been drawn to them in the slightest in my search for gods to call upon. I preferred Celtic and Norse gods mainly, with the occasional Egyptian and Hindu god thrown into the mix. In January or February the Goddess revealed her name to me as Gaia. Oh, the irony. But, perhaps even more ironic, a short time later I decided to convert to Christianity. More irony that after my conversion I decided to continue on as both a Christian *and* a Pagan.
My gods have again given me their names via my studies. They are Christian gods, from the Bible, Gnostic texts, and other non-canonical scriptures. God is Eloah, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit; Goddess is Sophia, Mary (Magdalene), and the Holy Soul.
Though I'm often unsure of exactly where I stand in my religion, I know the names my gods wish to be called. I say mine, because god is personal. "My" god is not the same as "your" god, even if we were to call him/her/it by the same name. My uncertainty of beliefs is not a weakness. It simply means that I will keep searching, continue my explorations, and not grow bored or jaded. How awful and lonely it must be for those who have it all figured out and have given up exploring deeper, for those who continue day after day or week after week doing what they have always done, because it is the "right" way, for those who stop feeling god during their worship.
My gods have again given me their names via my studies. They are Christian gods, from the Bible, Gnostic texts, and other non-canonical scriptures. God is Eloah, Yeshua, and the Holy Spirit; Goddess is Sophia, Mary (Magdalene), and the Holy Soul.
Though I'm often unsure of exactly where I stand in my religion, I know the names my gods wish to be called. I say mine, because god is personal. "My" god is not the same as "your" god, even if we were to call him/her/it by the same name. My uncertainty of beliefs is not a weakness. It simply means that I will keep searching, continue my explorations, and not grow bored or jaded. How awful and lonely it must be for those who have it all figured out and have given up exploring deeper, for those who continue day after day or week after week doing what they have always done, because it is the "right" way, for those who stop feeling god during their worship.
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